common actions of life, which is usually so visible among gentlemen of the army, and which a campaign or two would infallibly have given him. 'You will easily guess, Sir, by this my panegyric upon a military education, that I am myself a soldier; and indeed I am so. I remember, within three years after I had been in the army, I was ordered into the country a-recruiting. I had very particular success in this part of the service, and was over and above assured, at my going away, that I might have taken a young lady, who was the most considerable fortune in the country, along with me. I preferred the pursuit of fame at that time to all other considerations; and, though I was not absolutely bent on a wooden leg, resolved at least to get a scar or two for the good of Europe. I have at present as much as I desire of this sort of honour, and if you could recommend me effectually, should be well enough contented to pass the remainder of my days in the arms of some dear kind creature, and upon a pretty estate in the country. This, as I take it, would be following the example of Lucius Cincinnatus, the old Roman dictator, who, at the end of a war, left the camp to follow the plough. I am, Sir, with all imaginable respect, Your most obedient, Mr. SPECTATOR, • humble servant, I AM an half-pay officer, and am at present with a friend in the country. Here is a rich widow in the neighbourhood, who has made fools of all the fox-hunters within fifty miles of her. She declares she intends to marry, but has not yet been asked by the man she could like. She usually admits her humble admirers to an audience or two; but, after she has once given them deniał, will never see them more. I am assured by a female relation that I shall have fair play at her; but as my whole success depends on my first approaches, I desire your advice, whether I had best storm, or proceed by way of sap. "I am, Sir, yours, &c.' < P. S. I had almost forgot to tell you that I have already carried one of her out-works, that is, secured her maid." • Mr. SPECTATOR, I HAVE assisted in several sieges in the Low Countries, and being still willing to employ my talents as a soldier and engineer, lay down this morning at seven o'clock before the door of an obstinate female, who had for some time refused me admittance. I made a lodgment in an outer parlour about twelve: the enemy retired to her bed-chamber, yet I still pursued, and about two o'clock this afternoon she thought fit to capitulate. Her demands are indeed somewhat high, in relation to the settlement of her fortune. But, being in possession of the house, I intend to insist upon carte blanche, and am in hopes, by keeping off all other pretenders for the space of twentyfour hours, to starve her into a compliance. I beg your speedy advice, and am, 'SIR, yours, PETER PUSH.' From my camp in Red-lion-square, Saturday, four in the afternoon.' No. 567. WEDNESDAY, JULY 14, 1714. -Inceptus clamor frustratur hiantes. VIRG. Æn. vi. ver. 493. The weak voice deceives their gasping throats. DRYDEN. I HAVE received private advice from some of my correspondents, that if I would give my paper a general turn, I should take care to season it with scandal. I have indeed observed of late that few writings sell which are not filled with great names and illustrious titles. The reader generally casts his eye upon a new book, and, if he finds several letters separated from one another by a dash, he buys it up, and peruses it with great satisfaction. An M and an h, a T and an r*, with a short line between them, * M and an h means Marlborough, and a T and an r means Treasurer. has sold many insipid pamphlets. Nay, I have known a whole edition go off by virtue of two or three well-written &c s. A sprinkling of the words faction, Frenchman, papist, plunderer,' and the like significant terms, in an Italic character, have also a very good effect upon the eye of the purchaser; not to mention scribbler, liar, rogue, rascal, knave, and villain,' without which it is impossible to carry on a modern controversy. Our party-writers are so sensible of the secret virtue of an innuendo to recommend their productions, that of late they never mention the Q- -n or Pt at length, though they speak of them with honour, and with that deference which is due to them from every private person. It gives a secret satisfaction to a peruser of those mysterious works, that he is able to decipher them without help, and, by the strength of his own natural parts, to fill up a blank space, or make out a word that has only the first or last letter to it. Some of our authors indeed, when they would be more satirical than ordinary, omit only the vowels of a great man's name, and fall most unmercifully upon all the consonants. This way of writing was first of all introduced by T-m Br-wn*, of facetious memory, who, after having gutted a proper name of all its intermediate vowels, used to plant it in his works, and make as free with it as he pleased, without any danger of the statute. That I may imitate these celebrated authors, and publish a paper which shall be more taking than ordinary, I have here drawn up a very curious libel, in which a reader of penetration will find a great deal of concealed satire, and, if he be acquainted with the present posture of affairs, will easily discover the meaning of it. If there are four persons in the nation who endeavour to bring all things into confusion, and ruin their native country, I think every honest Englishman ought to be upon his guard. That there are such, every one will agree with me, who hears me name *** with his first friend and favourite ***, not to mention *** ***. nor These people may cry ch-rch, ch-rch, as long as they please; but, to make the use of a homely proverb, "The proof of the *Tom Brown, p-dd-ng is in the eating." This I am sure of, that if a certain prince should concur with a certain prelate, (and we have monsieur Z-n's word for it) our posterity would be in a sweet p-ckle. Must the British nation suffer, forsooth, because my lady Q-p-t-s has been disobliged? Or it is reasonable that our English fleet, which used to be the terror of the ocean, should lie windbound for the sake of a ? I love to speak out, and declare my mind clearly, when I am talking for the good of my country. I will not make my court to an ill man, though he were a B- -y or a Tt. Nay, I would not stick to call so wretched a politician a traitor, an enemy to his country a bl-n-d-rb-ss, &c. &c.' The remaining part of this political treatise, which is written after the manner of the most celebrated authors in Great Britain, I may communicate to the public at a more convenient season. In the mean while, I shall leave this with my curious reader, as some ingenious writers do their enigmas; and, if any sagacious person can fairly unriddle it, I will print his explanation, and, if he pleases, acquaint the world with his name. I hope this short essay will convince my readers it is not for want of abilities that I avoid state tracts, and that, if I would apply my mind to it, I might in a little time be as great a master of the political scratch as any the most eminent writer of the age. I shall only add, that in order to outshine all this modern race of syncopists, and thoroughly content my English readers, I intend shortly to publish a Spectator that shall not have a single vowel in it, ADDISON. No. 568. FRIDAY, JULY 16, 1714.. -Dum recitas, incipit esse tuus. Reciting makes it thine. MART. Epig. 39. l. 1. I WAS yesterday in a coffee-house not far from the Royal Exchange, where I observed three persons in close conference over a pipe of tobacco; upon which, having filled 6 This one for my own use, I lighted it at the little wax candle that stood before them; and, after having thrown in two or three whiffs amongst them, sat down and made one of the company. I need not tell my reader, that lighting a man's pipe at the same candle is looked upon among brother smokers as an overture to conversation and friendship. As we here laid our heads together in a very amicable manner, being entrenched under a cloud of our own raising, I took up the last Spectator, and casting my eye over it, The Spectator,' says I, is very witty to day;' upon which a lusty lethargic old gentleman, who sat at the upper end of the table, having gradually blown out of his mouth a great deal of smoke which he had been collecting for some time before, Ay,' says he, ‹ more witty than wise, I am afraid.' His neighbour, who sat at his right hand, immediately coloured, and, being an angry politician, laid down his pipe with so much wrath that he broke it in the middle, and by that means furnished me with a tobacco-stopper. I took it up very sedately, and, looking him full in the face, made use of it from time to time all the while he was speaking: fellow,' says he, can't for his life keep out of politics. Do you see how he abuses four great men here?' I fixed my eye very attentively on the paper, and asked him if he meant those who were represented by asterisks. Asterisks,' says he, do you call them? they are all of them stars he might as well have put garters to them. Then pray do but mind the two or three next lines: Ch-rch and p-dd-ng in the same sentence! Our clergy are very much beholden to him! Upon this the third gentleman, who was of a mild disposition, and, as I found a whig in his heart, desired him not to be too severe upon the Spectator neither; for,' says he, you find he is very cautious of giving offence, and has therefore put two dashes into his pudding. A fig for his dash,' says the angry politician; in his next sentence he gives a plain innuendo that our posterity will be in a sweet pickle? What does the fool mean by his pickle! Why does he not write it at length, if he means honestly?' I have read over the whole sentence,' says I; but I look upon the parenthesis in the belly of it to be the most dangerous part, and as full of insinuations as it can hold. But who,' says I, is my lady Q-p-t-s?' Ay, answer that if you can, Sir,' says the fu |