"Underneath this ftone doth lie
"As much virtue as cou'd die;
"Which when alive did vigour give
"To as much beauty as cou'd live."
'I am, Sir,

N° 34.

Your most humble lervant,
'R. B.'

Juv. Sat. xv. 159.
From spotted skins the leopard does refrain,
HE club of which I am a member, is very

Cognatis maculis fimilis fera------

gaged in different ways of life, and deputed as it were out of the moft confpicuous claffes of mankind; by this means I am furnished with the greateft variety of hints and materials, and know every thing that paffes in the different quarters and divifions, not only of this great city, but of the whole kingdom. My readers too have the fatisfaction to find that there is no rank or degree among them who have not their reprefentative in this club, and that there is always fomebody prefent who will take care of their refpective interests, that nothing may be written or published to the prejudice or infringement of their just right and privileges.

I laft night fat very late in company with this felect body of friends, who entertained me with feveral remarks which they and others had made upon these my fpeculations, as alfo with the various fuccefs which they had met with among their feveral ranks and degrees of readers. Will Honey comb told me, in the fofteft manner he could, that there were fome ladies (but for your comfort, fays Will, they are not thofe of the moft wit) that were offended at the liberties I had taken with the opera and the puppet-fhow; that fome of them were likewife very much furprised, that I fhould think fuch ferious points as the drefs and equipage of perfons of quality, proper subjects for raillery.

He was going on when Sir Andrew Freeport took him up fhort, and told him, that the papers he hinted at had done great good in the city, and that all their wives and daughters were the better for them; and farther added, that the whole city thought themselves very much obliged to me for declaring my generous intentions to fcourge vice and folly as they appear in a multitude, without condefcending to be a publisher of particular intrigues and cuckoldoms. In fhort, fays Sir Andrew, if you avoid that foolish beaten road of falling upon aldermen and citizens, and employ your pen upon the vanity and luxury of courts, your paper muft needs be of general use.

Upon this my friend the Templar told Sir Andrew, that he wondered to hear a man of his fenfe talk after that manner; that the city had always been the province for fatire; and that the wits of king Charles's time jefted upon nothing elfe during his whole reign. He then fhewed, by the examples of Horace, Juvenal, Boileau, and the best writers of every age, that the follies of the flate and court had never been accounted too facred for ridicule, how great foever the perfons might be that patronized them. But after all, fays he, I think your

raillery has made too great an excurfion, in attack ing several perfons of the Inns of Court; and I do not believe you can fhew me any precedent for your behaviour in that particular.

My good friend Sir Roger de Coverley, who had faid nothing all this while, began his fpeech with a pish! and told us, that he wondered to fee fo inany men of fense so very serious upon fooleries. Let our good friend, fays he, attack every one that deferves it; I would only advife you, Mr. Specta® tor, applying himself to me, to take care how you meddle with country fquires'; they are the ornaments of the English nation; men of good heads and found bodies! and let me tell you, fome of them take it ill of you, that you mention foxhunters with fo little refpect,

Captain Sentry fpoke very fparingly on this be cafion. What he faid was only to commend my the army,

advifed me to continue to act difcreetly in that point.

By this time I found every fubject of my fpecu lations was taken away from me, by one or other of the club; and began to think myself in the condition of the good man that had one wife who took diflike to his grey hairs, and another to his black, 'till by their picking out what each of theni had an averfion to, they left his head altogether bald and naked.

While I was thus mufing with myself, my wor thy friend the clergyman, who, very luckily for me was at the club that night, undertook my caufe. He told us, that he wondered any order of perfons fhould think themfelves too confidera ble to be advised; that it was not quality, but innocence, which exempted men from reproof; that vice and folly ought to be attacked wherever they could be met with, and efpecially when they were placed in high and confpicuous ftations of life. He further added, that my paper would only ferve to aggravate the pains of poverty, if it chiefly expofed those who are already depreffed, and in fome measure turned into ridicule by the meanness of their conditions and circumftances. He afterwards proceeded to take notice of the great use this paper might be of to the public, by reprehending thofe vices which are too trivial for the chaftifement of the law, and too fantastical for the cognifance of the pulpit. He then advised me to profecute my undertaking with chearfulnefs, and affured me, that whoever might be difpleafed with me, I fhould be approved by all thofe whofe praifes do honour to the perfons on whom they are bestowed.

The whole club pays a particular deference to the difcourfe of this gentleman, and are drawn into what he fays, as much by the candid ingenuous manner with which he delivers himself, as by the ftrength of argument and force of reafon which he makes ufe of. Will Honeycomb immediately agreed, that what he had faid was right; and that for his part, he would not infift upon the quarter which he had demanded for the ladies. Sir Andrew gave up the city with the fame frankness. The Templar would not ftand out; and was followed by Sir Roger and the Captain; who all agreed that I fhould be at liberty to carry the war into what quarter I pleased; provided I continued to combat with criminals in a body, and to affault the vice without hurting the perfon..

This debate, which was held for the good of mankind, put me in miad of that which the Ro


man triumvirate were formerly engaged in, for their deftruction. Every man at firft ftood hard for his friend, 'till they found that by this means they should fpoil their profcription; and at length, making a facrifice of all their acquaintance and relations, furnished out a very decent execution. Having thus taken my refolutions to march on boldly in the caufe of virtue and good fenfe, and to annoy there adverfaries in whatever degree or rånk of men they may be found; I fhall be deaf for the future to all the remonftrances that shall be made to me on this account. If Punch grows extravagant, I fhall reprimand him very freely: if the stage becomes a nursery of folly and impertinence, I fhall not be afraid to animadvert upon it. In short, if I meet with any thing in city, court, or country, that fhocks modefty or good-manners, I fhall ufe my utmost endeavours to make an example of it. I must however intreat every particular perfon, who does me the honour to be a reader of this paper, never to think himself, or any one of his friends or enemies, aimed at in what is faid: for I promise him, never to draw a faulty character which does not fit at least a thoufand people; or to publish a fingle paper, that is not written in the spirit of benevolence, and with a love to mankind.

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ving incoherent pieces, which are often fpread among us, under odd chimerical titles, are rather the offsprings of a distempered brain, than works of humour.

It is indeed much easier to defcribe what is not humour, than what is; and very difficult to define it otherwife than, as Cowley has done wit, by negatives. Were I to give my own notions of it, I would deliver them after Plato's manner, in a kind of allegory, and by fuppofing humour to be a perfon, deduce to him all his qualifications, according to the following genealogy. Truth was the founder of the family, and the father of Good Senfe. Good Senfe was the father of Wit, married a lady of a collateral line called Mirth, by whom he had iffue Humour. Humour therefore being the youngest of this illuftrious family, and defcended from parents of fuch different difpofitions, is very various and unequal in his temper; fometimes you fee him putting on grave looks and a folemn habit, fometimes airy in his behaviour and fantaftic in his drefs; infomuch that at dif ferent times he appears as ferious as a judge, and as jocular as a Merry-Andrew. Put as he has a great deal of the mother in his conftitution, whatever mood he is in, he never fails to make his comCpany laugh.

MONG all kinds of writing, there is none in which authors are more apt to mifcarry than in works of humour, as there is none in which they are more ambitious to excel. It is not an imagination that teems with monsters, an head that is filled with extravagant conceptions, which is capable of furnishing the world with diverfions of this nature; and yet if we look into the productions of feveral writers, who fet up for men of humour, what wild irregular fancies, what natural diftortions of thought, do we meet with? If they speak nonfenfe, they believe they are talking humour; and when they have drawn together a fcheme of abfurd inconfiftent ideas, they are not able to read it over to themfelves without laughing. Thefe poor gentlemen endeavour to gain themfelves the reputation of wits and humourifts, by fuch monftrous conceits as almoft qualify them for Bedlam; not confidering that humour fhould always lie under the check of reason, and that it requires the direction of the niceft judgment, by fo much more as it indulges itself in the moft boundless freedoms. There is a kind of nature that is to be obferved in this fort of compofitions, as well as in all other; and a certain regularity of thought which must discover the writer to be a man of sense, at the fame time that he appears altogether given up to caprice. For my part, when I read the delirious mirth of an unfkilful author, I cannot be fo barbarous as to divert myself with it, but am rather apt to pity the man, than to laugh at any thing he writes.

The deceafed Mr. Shadwell, who had himself a great deal of the talent which I am treating of, reprefents an empty rake, in one of his plays; as very much furprized to hear one say that breakine of windows was not humour: and I question not but feveral Erglish readers will be as much ftartled to hear me affirm, that many of thofe ra

But fince there is an impoftor abroad, who takes upon him the name of this young gentleman, and would willingly pafs for him in the world; to the end that well-meaning perfons may not be impofed upon by cheats, I would defire my readers, when they meet with this pretender, to look into his parentage, and to examine him ftrictly, whether or no he be remotely allied to the Truth, and lineally defcended from Good Senfe; if not, they may conclude him a counterfeit. They may likewife diftinguifh him by a loud and exceffive laughter, in which he feldom gets his company to join with him. For as True Humour generally looks ferious, while every body laughs about him. Falfe Humour is always laughing, whilft every body about him looks ferious. I fhall only add, if he has not in him a mixture of both parents, that is, if he would pass for the offspring of Wit without Mirth, or Mirth without Wit, you may conclude him to be altogether fpurious, and a cheat.

The impoftor of whom I am fpeaking, defcends originally from Falfhood, who was the mother of Nonfenfe, who was brought to bed of a son called Frenzy, who married one of the daughters of Folly, commonly known by the name of Laughter, on whom he begot that monftrous infant of which I have been here fpeaking. I fhall fet down at length the genealogical table of Falfe Humour, and, at the fame time, place under it the genealogy of True Humour, that the reader may at one view behold their different pedigrees and relations.

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might in particular enumerate the many fons and daughters which he has begot in this ifland. But as this would be a very invidious task, I fhall only obferve in general, that Falfe Humour differs from the True, as a monkey does from a man.

First of all, He is exceedingly given to little apifh tricks and buffoonries.

Secondly, He fo much delights in mimickry, that it is all one to him whether he expofes by it vice and folly, luxury and avarice; or on the contrary, virtue and wisdom, pain and poverty.

Thirdly, He is wonderfully unlucky, infomuch that he will bite the hand that feeds him, and endeavour to ridicule both friends and foes indifferently. For having but small talents, he must be merry where he can, not where he should.

Fourthly, Being intirely void of reafon, he purfues no point either of morality or inftruction, but is ludicrous only for the fake of being fo.

Fifthly, Being incapable of any thing but mock-reprefentations, his ridicule is always perfonal, and aimed at the vicious man, or the writer; not at the vice, or at the writing.,

I have here only pointed at the whole fpecies of falfe humourifts; but as one of my principal defigns to this paper is to beat down that malignant fpirit, which discovers itself in the writings of the prefent age, I fhall not fcruple, for the future, to fingle out any of the fmall wits, that infest the world with fuch compofitions as are ill-natured, immoral, and abfurd. This is the only exception which I fhall make to the general rule I have prefcribed myself, of attacking Multitudes: fince every honest man ought to look upon himself as in a natural ftate of war with the libeller and lampooner, and to annoy them wherever they fall in his way. This is but retaliating upon them, and treating them as they treat others.


--Immania monftra



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animated utenfils to your projector. The hangings you formerly mentioned are run away; as 6 are likewife a fet of chairs, each of which was met upon two legs going through the Rofe tavern at two this morning. We hope, Sir, you will give proper notice to the town that we are endeavouring at these regulations; and that we intend for the future to fhew no monfters, but men who are converted into fuch by their own industry and affectation. If you will please to be at the house to-night, you will fee me do my ⚫ endeavour to fhew fome unnatural appearances which are in vogue among the polite and wellbred, I am to reprefent, in the character of a fine lady dancing, all the diftortions which are frequently taken for graces in mien and gesture. This, Sir, is a fpecimen of the method we shall 'take to expofe the monsters which come within the notice of a regular theatre; and we defire nothing more grofs may be admitted by you fpectators for the future. We have cashiered three companies of theatrical guards, and design our kings fhall for the future make love, and fit in council, without an army; and wait only 'your directions whether you will have them reinforce King Porus, or join the troops of Macedon. Mr. Penkethman refolves to confult his 'Pantheon of heathen gods in oppofition to the oracle of Delphos, and doubts not but he shall < turn the fortunes of Porus, when he perfonates him. I am defired by the company to inform you, that they submit it to your cenfures; and 'fhall have you in greater veneration than Her, 'cules was in of old, if you can drive monsters from the theatre; and think your merit will be as much greater than his, as to convince is more than to conquer, I am, Sir.

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Your most obedient fervant,

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HEN I acquaint you with the great and unexpected viciffitudes of my fortune, I doubt not but I fhall obtain your pity and fa- ́ I have for many years laft paft been thunderer to the play-house; and have not only VIRG. Æn. iii. 583, 'made as much noife out of the clouds as any Things the most out of nature we endure. ' predeceffor of mine in the theatre that ever bore that character, but also have defcended and Shall not put myfelf to any farther pains for 'fpoke on the ftage as the bold thunder in the Rethis day's entertainment, than barely to pub-hearfal. When they got me down thus low, lifh the letters and titles of petitions from the playhoufe, with the minutes I have made upon the latter for my conduct in relation to them.

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they thought fit to degrade me further, and make 'me a ghost. I was contented with this for thefe two laft winters; but they carry their ty· ranny ftill further, and not fatisfied that I am Drury-Lane, April the cth. banished from above ground, they have given reading the project which is set forth me to understand that I am wholly to depart in one of your late papers, of making 'their dominions, and take from me even my an alliance between all the bulls, bears, ele-fubterraneous employment. Now, Sir, what I phants, and licns, which are feparately expo'ed to public view in the cities of London and Westminster; together with the other wonders, fhows, and monsters, whereof you made refpective mention in the faid fpeculation; We, the chief ators of this play-houfe, met and fat upon the faid defign. It is with great delight, that we expect the execution of this work; and in order to contribute to it, we have given warning to all our ghofts to get their livelihoods where they can, and not to appear among us after day

break of the 16th inftant. We are refolved to take this opportunity to part with every thing which does not contribute to the reprefentation of human life; and shall make a free gift of all

'defire of you is, that if your undertaker thinks 'fit to ufe fire-arms, as other authors have done, in the time of Alexander, I may be a cannon againft Porus, or else provide for me in the burning of Perfepolis, or what other method you shall think fit.

SALMONEUs of Covent-Garden.'

in behalf of themfelves and families, fetting forth The petition of all the devils of the play-houfe their expulfion from thence, with certificates of their good life and converfation, and praying re


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The petition of the grave-digger in Hamlet, to command the pioneers in the expedition of Alexander.


rected to a certain lady whom I fhall here call by the name of Leonora, and, as it contained matters of confequence, defired me to deliver it to her with my own hand. Accordingly I waited upon

The petition of William Bullock, to be He- her ladyship pretty early in the morning, and was phestion to Penkethman the Great.

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A widow gentlewoman, well born both by fa'ther and mother's fide, being the daughter of • Thomas Prater, once an eminent practitioner in the law, and of Letitia Tattle, a family well known in all parts of this kingdom, having ⚫ been reduced by misfortunes to wait on feveral great perfons, and for fome time to be teacher at a boarding-school of young ladies, giveth notice to the public, that the hath lately taken a ⚫ house near Bloomsbury-Square, commodioufly ⚫ fituated next the fields in a good air; where the teaches all forts of birds of the loquacious kinds, as parrots, ftarlings, magpies, and others, to ⚫ imitate human voices in greater perfection than · ever yet was practifed. They are not only in• ftructed to pronounce words diftinctly, and in a proper tone and accent; but to fpeak the language with great purity and volubility of tongue, together with all the fashionable phrafes and 'compliments now in ufe either at tea-tables or vifiting-days. Those that have good voices may ⚫ be taught to fing the newest opera-airs, and, if required, to fpeak either Italian or French, paying fomething extraordinary above the common rates. They whofe friends are not able to pay 'the full prices may be taken as half-boarders. She teaches fuch as are defigned for the diverfion ⚫ of the public, and to act in enchanted woods on the theatres, by the great. As fhe has often ob'ferved with much concern how indecent an edu'cation is usually given these innocent creatures ⚫ which in some measure is owing to their being placed in rooms next the street, where, to the great offence of chafte and tender ears, they learn ribaldry, obfcene fongs, and immodeft expreffions from paffengers, and idle people, as also to cry fish, and card-matches, with other ufelefs parts of learning to birds who have rich friends; The has fitted up proper and neat apartments for ⚫ them in the back part of her said houfe; where the fuffers none to approach them but herself, and a fervant-maid who is deaf and dumb, and 'whom she provided on purpose to prepare their food and cleanfe their cages; having found by 'long experience how hard a thing it is for those to keep filence who have the use of speech, and the dangers her scholars are exposed to by the ftrong impreffions that are made by harsh founds ⚫ and vulgar dialects. In fhort, if they are birds of any parts or capacity, fhe will undertake to render them fo accomplished in the compafs of a twelve-month, that they fhall be fit converfa⚫tion for fuch ladies as love to choose their friends and companions out of this fpecies.'

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defired by her woman to walk into her lady's li-
brary, 'till fuch time as he was in a readiness to
receive me. The very found of a Lady's Library
gave me a great curiofity to fee it; and as it was
fome time before the lady came to me, I had an
opportunity of turning over a great many of her
books, which were ranged together in a very beau-
tiful order. At the end of the Folios, which were
finely bound and gilt, were great jars of China
placed one above another in a very noble piece of
architecture. The Quartos were feparated from
the Octavos by a pile of fmaller veffels, which rofe
The Octavos were
in a delightful pyramid.
bounded by tea-dishes of all fhapes, colours, and
fizes, which were fo difpofed on a wooden frame,
that they looked like one continued pillar indent-
ed with the finest ftrokes of sculpture, and stained
with the greatest variety of dyes. That part of
the library which was defigned for the reception
of plays and pamphlets, and other loofe papers,
was inclofed in a kind of fquare, confifting of one
of the prettieft grotesque works that ever I faw,

and made up of fcaramouches, lions, monkies, mandarines, trees, fhells, and a thoufand other odd figures in China-ware. In the midst of the room was a little Japan-table, with a quire of gilt paper upon it, and on the paper a filver-fnuff-box made in the shape of a little book. I found there were feveral other counterfeit books upon the upper shelves, which were carved in wood, and ferved only to fill up the number like faggots in the mufter of a regiment. I was wonderfully pleased with fuch a mixt kind of furniture, as feemed very fuitable both to the lady and the fcholar, and did not know at first whether I should fancy myself in a grotto, or in a library.

Upon my locking into the books, I found there were fome few which the lady had bought for her own ufe, but that most of them had been got together, either because she had heard them praised, or becaufe fhe had feen the authors of them. Among feveral that I examined, I very well remember these that follow:

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Sherlock upon Death.

The Fifteen Comforts of Matrimony.

Sir William Temple's Effays.

Father Malbranche's Search after Truth, tranf lated into English.

A Book of Novels.

The Academy of Compliments.

Culpepper's Midwifery.

The Ladies Calling,


Tales in Verfe, by Mr. Durfey. bound in red leather, gilt on the back, and doubled down in feveral places.

All the Claffic Authors in wood.

A fet of Elzevirs by the fame hand.

of her fex, who employ themselves in diversions that are lefs reasonable, though more in fashion? What improvements would a woman have made, who is fo fufceptible of impreffions from what she reads, had the been guided to fuch books as have

Clelia which opened of itfelf in the place that a tendency to enlighten the understanding and recdefcribes two lovers in a bower.

Baker's Chronicle,

Advice to a daughter,

The New Atalantis, with a key to it.

Mr. Steele's Christian Hero.

A prayer Book; with a bottle of Hungary water by the fide of it.

Dr. Sacheverell's Speech.
Fielding's Trial.

Seneca's Moral's.

Taylor's Holy Living and dying.

La Ferte's Inftructions for Country Dances.

I was taking a catalogue in my pocket-book of thefe, and feveral other authors, when Leonora entered, and upon my prefenting her with the letter from the knight, told me, with an unspeakable grace, that the hoped Sir Roger was in good health: I anfwered Yes, for I hate long speeches,

and after a bow or two retired.

Leonora was formerly a celebrated beauty, and is ftill a very lovely woman. She has been a widow for two or three years, and, being unfortunate in her first marriage, has taken a refolution never to venture upon a fecond. She has no children to take care of, and leaves the management of her eftate to my good friend Sir Roger. Eut as the mind naturally finks into a kind of lethargy, and falls afleep, that is not agitated by fome favourite pleasures and purfuits, Leonora has turned all the paffions of her fex into a love of books and retirement. She converfes chiefly with men, as the has often faid herfelf, but it is only in their writings; and admits of very few male-vifitants, except my friend Sir Roger, whom the hears with great pleasure, and without scandal. As her reading has lain very much among romances, it has given her a very particular turn of thinking, and difcovers itself even in her house, her gardens, and her furniture. Sir Roger has enterta ned me an hour together with a defcription of her country-feat, which is fituated in a kind of wilderness, about an hundred miles diftant from London, and looks like a little enchanted palace. The rocks about her are shaped into artificial grottoes covered with wood-bines and jeffamines. The woods are cut into fhady walks, twisted into bowers, and filled with cages of turtles. The springs are made to run among pebbles, and by that means taught to murmur very agreeably. They are likewife collected into a beautiful lake, that is inhabited by a couple of fwans, and empties itself by a little rivulet which runs through a green meadow, and is known in the family by the name of The Purling Stream. The knight likewife tells me, that this lady preferves her game better than any of the gentlemen in the country, not, fays Sir Roger, that the fets fo great a value upon her partridges and pheasants, as upon her laiks and nightingales. For the fays that every bird which is killed upon her ground, will spoil a concert, and that she fhall certainly miss him the next year.

When I think how oddly this lady is improved by learning, I look upon her with a mixture of admiration and pity. Amidft thefe innocent entertainments which he has formed to herfelf, how much more valuable does the appear than thofe

tify the paffions, as well as to thofe which are of little more use than to divert the imagination?

But the manner of a lady's employing herself ufefully in reading fhall be the fubject of another paper, in which I defign to recommend fuch particular books as may be proper for the improvement of the fex, And as this is a fubject of a very nice nature, I fhall defire my correfpondents to give me their thoughts upon it.

No. 38. FRIDAY, APRIL 13.

----Cupius non placuisse nimis.

One wou'd not please too much.


Late converfation which I fell into, gave me A an opportunity of observing a great deal of beauty in a very handsome woman, and as much wit in an ingenious man, turned into deformity in the one, and abfurdity in the other, by the mere force of affectation. The fair one had fomething in her perfon upon which her thoughts were fixed, that the attempted to fhew to advantage in every look, word, and gesture. The gentleman was as diligent to do juftice to his fine parts, as the lady to her beauteous form: you might fee his imagina- ~ tion on the ftretch to find out fomething uncommon, and what they call bright, to entertain her; while fhe writhed herself into as many different postures to engage him. When he laughed, her lips were to fever at a greater diftance than ordinary, to fhew her teeth; her fan was to point to fomewhat at a distance, that in the reach the may discover the roundness of her arm; then she is utterly mistaken in what she saw, falls back, smiles at her own folly, and is fo wholly difcompofed, that her tucker is to be adjusted, her bofom expofed, and the whole woman put into new airs and graces. While fhe was doing all this, the gallant had time to think of fomething very pleasant to fay next to her, or make fome unkind obfervation on fome other lady to feed her vanity. These unhappy effects of affectation, naturally led me to look into that strange state of mind, which fo generally difcolours the behaviour of most people we meet with.

The learned Dr. Burnet, in his theory of the earth, takes occafion to obferve, that every thought is attended with confcioufnefs and reprefentativenefs; the mind has nothing prefented to it but what is immediately follow'd by a reflection or confcience, which tells you whether that which was fo prefented is graceful or unbecoming. This act of the mind difcovers itself in the gefture, by a proper behaviour in those whofe confcioufnefs goes no further than to direct them in the juft progrefs of their prefent thought or action; but betrays an interruption in every fecond thought, when the confcioufnefs is employed in tco fondly approving a man's own conceptions; which fort of confciotfnefs is what we call affectation.

As the love of praife is implanted in our befoms as a ftrong incentive to worthy actions, it is a very difficult task to get above a defire of it for things that fhould be wholly indifferent. Women, whofe hearts are fixed upon the pleasure


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