Pagina-afbeeldingen
PDF
ePub

tlemen who had before perused it, to get up into the auction-pulpit, and read it to the whole room, that if any one would own it, they might. The boy accordingly mounted the pulpit, and with a very audible voice read as follows:

MINUTES.

Sir Roger de Coverley's Country Seat-Yes, for I hate long speeches-Query, if a good Christian may be a Conjurer-Childermas-day, Saltseller, House-Dog, Screech-Owl, Cricket-Mr. Thomas Inkle of London, in the good ship called the Achilles, Yarico-Ægrescitque medendo - GhostsThe Lady's Library - Lion by Trade a TailorDromedary called Bucephalus - Equipage the Lady's fummum bonum - Charles Lillie to be taken notice of Short face a relief to envy-Redundancies in the three professions - King Latinus a recruit-Jew devouring an ham of bacon-West minster-Abbey-Grand Cairo-ProcrastinationApril Fools-Blue Boars, Red Lions, Hogs in Armour-Enter a King and two Fiddlers folus-Admiffion into the Ugly Club-Beauty, how improveable-Families of true and false HumourThe Parrot's School-Mistress-Face half Pict half British-No Man to be an hero of a Tragedy under fix feet-Club of Sighers-Letters from Flower-pots, Elbow-chairs, Tapestry - figures, Lion, Thunder-The Bell rings to the Puppet-showOld-Woman with a beard married to a smockfaced boy-My next coat to be turned up with blue-Fable of Tongs and Gridiron-Flower Dyers-The Soldier's Prayer-Thank ye for nothing, says the Gally-pot-Pactolus in Stockings, with golden clocks to them-Bamboos, Cudgels, Drumsticks-Slip of my Landlady's eldest DaughterThe black mare with a star in her forehead-The Barber's Pole Will Honeycomb's coat-pocketCæfar's behaviour and my own in parallel circumstances-Poem in Patch-work-Nulli gravis eft percuffus Achilles - The Female ConventiclerThe Ogle-Master.

viour during this whole transaction, raised a very loud laugh on all fides of me; but as I had escaped all fufpicion of being the author, I was very well fatisfied; and applying myfelf to my pipe and the Postman, took no farther notice of any thing that passed about me.

My reader will find, that I have already made use of above half the contents of the foregoing paper; and will easily suppose, that those subjects which are yet untouched, were such provisions as I had made for his future entertainment. But as I have been unluckily prevented by this accident, I shall only give him the letters which relate to the two last hints. The first of them I should not have published, were I not informed that there is many an husband who fuffers very much in his private affairs by the indiscreet zeal of fuch a partner as is hereafter mentioned; to whom I may apply the barbarous inscription quoted by the Bishop of Salisbury in his travels; Dum nimis pia eft, facta est impia: Through too much piety the became impious.'

[blocks in formation]

AM one of those unhappy men that are plagued with a gospel-gossip, so common among • Dissenters, especially friends. Lectures in the morning, church-meetings at noon, and preparation-sermons at night, take up so much of her ' time, it is very rare she knows what we have for ' dinner, unless when the preacher is to be at it.

[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]

With him come a tribe, all brothers and sisters ' it seems; while others, really such, are deemed ' no relations. If at any time I have her company alone, she is a mere fermon popgun, repeating and discharging texts, proofs, and appli'cations, so perpetually, that however weary I may go to-bed, the noise in my head will not let ' me fleep 'till towards morning. The misery of my cafe, and great numbers of such fufferers, plead your pity and speedy relief, otherwise must expect, in a little time, to be lectured, preached, and prayed into want, unless the happiness of ' being fooner talked to death prevent it.

• I am, &c.

R. G.

The second letter relating to the Ogling-Master,

runs thus:

I

Mr. SPECTATOR,

AM an Irish gentleman, that have travelled many years for my improvement; during ' which time I have accomplished myself in the whole art of ogling, as it is at present practifed ' in all the polite nations of Europe. Being thus qualified I intend, by the advice of my friends, ' to fet up for an ogling-master. I teach the church-ogle in the morning, and the play-house ogle by candle-light. I have also brought over with me a new flying ogle fit for the Ring; which I teach in the dusk of the evening, or in any hour of the day by darkening one of my • windows. I have a manuscript by me called

The reading of this paper made the whole coffeehouse very merry; some of them concluded it was written by a madman, and others by somebody that had been taking notes out of the Spectator. One who had the appearance of a very substantial citizen, told us, with several politic winks and nods, that he wished there was no more in the paper than what was expressed in it: that for his part, he looked upon the dromedary, the gridiron, and the barber's pole, to signify something more than what was usually meant by those words; and that he thought the coffee-man could not do better than to carry the paper to one of the secretaries of state. He further added, that he did not like the name of the outlandish man with the golden clock in his stockings. A young Oxford scholar, who chanced to be with his uncle at the coffee-house, discovered to us who this Pactolus was; and by that means turned the whole scheme of this worthy citizen into ridicule. While they were making their several conjectures upon this innocent paper, I reached out my arm to the boy, as The Complete Ogler, which I shall be ready to he was coming out of the pulpit, to give it me; 'shew you upon any occafion. In the mean time, which he did accordingly. This drew the eyes • I beg you will publish the substance of this letter of the whole company upon me; but after having in an advertisement, and you will very much cast a cursory glance over it, and shook my head ' oblige, twice or thrice at the reading of it, I twisted it C into a kind of match, and lit my pipe with it. My profound filence, together with the steadiness of my countenance, and the gravity of my beha

• Your, &c."

No

N° 47. TUESDAY, APRIL 24.

M

Ride, fi fapis

Laugh, if you're wife.

[blocks in formation]

R. Hobbes, in his discourse of human nature, which in my humble opinion, is much the best of all his works, after some very curious obfervations upon laughter, concludes thus: 'The passion of laughter is nothing else but • fudden glory arifing from some sudden concep⚫tion of some eminency in ourselves, by comparifon with the infirmity of others, or with our • own formerly; for men laugh at the follies of ⚫ themselves past, when they come suddenly to re• membrance, except they bring with them any present dishonour.'

According to this author therefore, when we hear a man laugh exceffively, instead of faying he is very merry, we ought to tell him he is very proud. And indeed, if we look into the bottom of this matter, we shall meet with many observations to confirm us in his opinion. Every one laughs at somebody that is in an inferior state of folly to himself. It was formerly the custom for every great house in England to keep a tame fool dressed in petticoats, that the heir of the family might have an opportunity of joking upon him and diverting himself with his absurdities. For the fame reason idiots are still in request in most of the courts of Germany, where there is not a prince of any great magnificence, who has not two or three dressed, diftinguished, undisputed fools in his retinue, whom the rest of the courtiers are always breaking their jests upon.

The Dutch, who are more famous for their industry and application, than for wit and humour, hang up in several of their streets what they call the fign of the Gaper, that is, the head of an idiot dressed in a cap and bells, and gaping in a most immoderate manner: this is a standing jest at Amsterdam.

Thus every one diverts himself with some perfon or other that is below him in point of understanding, and triumphs in the fuperiority of his genius, whilft he has such objects of derifion before his eyes. Mr. Dennis has very well expressed this in a couple of humorous lines, which are part of a tranflation of a fatire in Monfieur Boileau.

Thus one fool lolls his tongue out at another,
And shakes his empty noddle at his brother.

Mr. Hobbes's reflection gives us the reason why the infignificant people abovementioned are stirrers-up of laughter among men of a gross taste; but as the more understanding part of mankind do not find their risibility affected by fuch ordinary objects, it may be worth the while to examine into the feveral provocatives of laughter in men of fuperior sense and knowledge.

In the first place I must observe, that there is a fet of merry drolls, whom the common people of all countries admire, and seem to love so well, that they could eat them, according to the old proverb; I mean those circumforaneous wits whom every nation calls by the name of that dish of meat which it loves best. In Holland they are termed Pickled Herrings; in France, Jean Pottages; in Italy, Maccaronies; and in Great-Eritain, Jack Puddings. These merry wags, from whatsoever food they receive their titles, that they may make their audiences laugh, always appear

But this little triumph of the understanding, under the disguise of laughter, is no where more visible than in that custom which prevails every where among us on the first day of the present month, when every body takes it in his head to make as many fools as he can. In proportion as there are more follies discovered, so there is more laughter raised on this day than on any other in the whole year. A neighbour of mine, who is a haberdasher by trade, and a very shallow conceited fellow, makes his boasts that for these ten years successively he has not made less than an hundred April fools. My landlady had a falling out with him about a fortnight ago, for sending every one of her children upon fome fleeveless errand, as the terms it. Her eldest son went to buy an halfpenny worth of incle at a shoemaker's; the eldest daughter was dispatched half a mile to fee a monfter; and in short, the whole family of innocent children made April fools. Nay my landlady herself did not escape him. This empty fellow has laughed upon these conceits ever fince.

This art of wit is well enough, when confined to one day in a twelve month; but there is an ingenious tribe of men sprung up of late years, who are for making April fools every day in the year. These gentlemen are commonly diftinguished by the name of Biters; a race of men that are perpetually employed in laughing at those mistakes which are of their own production.

Thus we see, in proportion as one man is more refined than another, he chooses his fool out of a lower or higher class of mankind; or, to speak in a more philofophical language, that fecret elation and pride of heart, which is generally called laughter, arises in him, from his comparing himfelf with an object below him, whether it so happens that it be a natural or an artificial fool, It is indeed very possible, that the persons we laugh at may in the main of their characters be much wifer men than ourselves; but if they would have us laugh at them, they must fall short of us in those respects which stir up this paffion.

I am afraid I shall appear too abstracted in my speculations, if I shew that when a man of wit makes us laugh, it is by betraying some oddness or infirmity in his own character, or in the reprefentation which he makes of others; and that when we laugh at a brute or even at an inanimate thing, it is at some action or incident that bears a remote analogy to any blunder or absurdity in reasonable creatures.

But to come into common life; I shall pass by the confideration of those stage coxcombs that are able to shake a whole audience, and take notice of a particular fort of men who are such provokers of mirth in conversation, that it is impoffible for a club or merry-meeting to subsist without them; I mean those honest gentlemen that are always exposed to the wit and raillery of their well-wishers and companions; that are pelted by men, wemen, and children, friends and foes, and, in a word, stand as Butts in conversation, for every one to shoot at that pleases. I know several of these Butts who are men of wit and sense, though by some odd turn of humour, some unlucky cast in their person or behaviour, they have always the "misfortune to make the company merry. The truth of it is, a man is not qualified for a Butt, who

who has not a good deal of wit and vivacity, even on the ridiculous side of his character. A stupid Butt is only fit for the conversation of ordinary people; men of wit require one that will give them play, and bestir himself in the abfurd part of his

. behaviour. A Butt with these accomplishments frequently gets the laugh of his side, and turns the ridicule upon him that attacks him. Sir John Falstaff was an hero of this species, and gives a good description of himself in his capacity of a Butt, after the following manner; "Men of all forts," says that merry knight, "take a pride to "gird at me. The brain of man is not able to "invent any thing that tends to laughter more "than I invent, or is invented on me. I am not "only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is "in other men."

C

[blocks in formation]
[ocr errors]

up my own failures, by introducing and recom' mending to the club persons of more undoubted < qualifications than I can pretend to. I shall ✔ next week come down in the stage-coach, in or' der to take my feat at the board; and shall bring * with me a candidate of each sex. The perfons • I shall present to you, are an old beau and a modern Pict. If they are not so eminently gift'ed by nature as our assembly expects, give me leave to say their acquired ugliness is greater than any that has ever appeared before you. The beau has varied his dress every day of his life for these thirty years last past, and still added to the ' deformity he was born with. The Pict has • still greater merit toward us, and has, ever fince • she came to years of difcretion, deserted the handsome, party, and taken all possible pains ' to acquire the face in which I shall present her ' to your confideration and favour. I am, ' Gentlemen,

• Your most obliged humble servant,
• The Spectator.

P. S. I defire to know whether you admit * people of quality.'

[blocks in formation]

' If my own word will not be taken, though in ' this cafe a woman's may. I can bring credible ' witness of my qualifications for their company,

whether they infist upon hair, forehead, eyes, 'cheeks, or chin; to which I must add, that I ' find it easier to lean to my left fide, than my right. I hope I am in all respects agreeable; and for humour and mirth, I'll keep up to the 'prefident himself. All the favour I'll pretend to is, that as I am the first woman that has ap'peared defirous of good company and agreeable conversation, I may take and keep the upper end ' of the table. And indeed I think they want a 'carver, which I can be after as ugly a manner as they can wish. I defire your thoughts of my claim as foon as you can. Add to my features • the length of my face, which is full half-yard; 'though I never knew the reason of it till you gave ' one for the shortness of yours. If I knew a ' name ugly enough to belong to the above-de'scribed face, I would feign one: but, to my un' speakable misfortune, my name is the only dif

[ocr errors]

agreeable prettiness about me; so pr'ythee make ' one for me that fignifies all the deformity in the world. You understand Latin, but be sure bring it in with my being, in the fincerity of my $ heart,

Your most frightful admirer,
' and servant,

[blocks in formation]

'HECATISSA.

Read your discourse upon affectation, and from the remarks made in it examined my ' own heart so strictly, that I thought I had found ' out its most secret avenues, with a resolution to 'be aware of you for the future. But alas! to

[ocr errors]

my forrow I now understand, that I have feveral 'follies which I do not know the root of. I am ' an old fellow, and extremely troubled with the 'gout: but having always a strong vanity to'wards being pleasing in the eyes of women, I

6

never have a moment's ease, but I am mounted in high-heel'd shoes with a glazed wax-leather 'instep. Two days after a severe fit I was invi'ted to a friend's house in the city, where I believed I should fee ladies; and with my usual complaisance crippled myself to wait upon 'them. A very sumptuous table, agreeable company, and kind reception, were but fo many ' importunate additions to the torment I was in. A gentleman of the family observed my condi'tion; and, foon after the queen's health, he in ' the presence of the whole company, with his ' own hands, degraded me into an old pair of his 'own shoes. This operation, before fine ladies, ' to me, who am by nature a coxcomb, was fuffer'ed with the same reluctance as they admit the ' help of men in their greatest extremity. The re' turn of ease made me forgive the rough obliga'tion laid upon me, which at that time relieved ⚫ my body from a distemper, and will my mind ' for ever from a folly. For the charity received, I return my thanks this way.

[ocr errors]

'SIR,

W

'Your most humble servant.'

Epping, April 18.

E have your papers here the morning they come out, and we have been very ⚫ well entertained with your last, upon the falfe • ornaments of persons who represent heroes in a tragedy. What made your speculation come very seasonable among us is, that we have now

1

at this place a company of strollers, who are very • far from offending in the impertinent splendor ⚫ of the drama. They are so far from falling into thefe false gallantries, that the stage is here in • its original fituation of a cart. Alexander the • Great was acted by a fellow in a paper cravat. The next day, the earl of Effex seemed to have no distress but his poverty: and my lord Foppington the fame morning wanted any better • means to thew himself a fop, than by wearing • stockings of different colours. In a word, though they have had a full barn for many days together, our itinerants are still fo wrerchedly poor, that without you can prevail to send us the furnitute you forbid at the play-house, the ⚫ heroes appear only like sturdy beggars, and the heroines gipfies. We have had but one part • which was performed and dressed with propriety, and that was justice Clodpate. This was fo • well done, that it offended Mr. Justice Overdo, who, in the midst of our whole audience, was, ⚫ like Quixote in the puppet-show, so highly provok'd, that he told them, if they would move compaffion, it should be in their own persons, and not in the characters of distressed princes ⚫ and potentates: he told them, if they were fo • good at finding the way to people's hearts, they • should do it at the end of bridges or church porches, in their proper vocation of beggars, This, the justice says, they must expect, since ⚫ they could not be contented to act heathen warriors, and such fellows as Alexander, but must prefume to make a mockery of one of the Quo

[ocr errors]
[blocks in formation]

I

[blocks in formation]

T is very natural for a man, who is not turned for mirthful meetings of men, or assemblies of the fair fex, to delight in that fort of conversation which we find in coffee-houses. Here a man of my temper is in his element; for if he cannot talk, he can still be more agreeable to his company, as well as pleased in himself, in being only an hearer. It is a focret known but to few, yet of no small use in the conduct of life, that when you fall into a man's conversation, the first thing you should confider is, whether he has a greater inclination to hear you, or that you should hear him. The latter is the more general defire, and I know very able flatterers that never speak a word in praise of the perfons from whom they obtain daily favours, but still practise a skilful attention to whatever is uttered by those with whom they converfe. We are very curious to observe the behaviour of great men and their clients; but the same paffions and interests move men in lower spheres; and I that have nothing else to do Lut make observations, see in every parish, ftreet, lane, and alley, of this populous city, a little potentate that has his court and his flatterers, who lay fuares for his affection and favour by the fame arts that are practised upon men in higher statiors.

In the place I must usually frequent, men differ rather in the time of day in which they make a figure, than in any real greatness above one another. I, who am at the coffee-house at fix in a morning, know that my friend Beaver the haberdasher has a levee of more undissembled friends

and admirers, than most of the courtiers or generals of Great Britain. Every man about him has, perhaps, a news-paper in his hand; but none can pretend to guess what step will be taken in any one court of Europe, 'till Mr. Beaver has thrown down his pipe, and declares what mea sures the allies must enter into upon this new pofture of affairs. Our coffice house is near one of the Inns of Court, and Beaver has the audience and admiration of his neighbours from fix 'till within a quarter of eight, at which time he is interrupted by the students of the houfe; fome of whom are ready-drefs'd for Westminster, at eight in a morning, with faces as bufy as if they were retained in every cause there; and others come in their night-gowns to saunter away their time, as if they never designed to go thither. I do not know. that I meet, in any of my walks, objects which move both my spleen and laughter so effectually, as those young fellows ar the Grecian, Squire's, Searl's, and all other coffee-houses adjacent to the law, who rise early for no other purpose but to publish their laziness. One would think there young Virtuofos take a gay cap and flippers, with a scarf and party-coloured gown to be enfigns of dignity; for the vain things approach each other with an air, which thews they regard one another for their vestments. I have observed that the fuperiority among these proceeds from an opinion of gallantry and fashion: the gentleman in the strawberry sash, who prefides fo much over the rest, has, it seems, fubfcribed to every opera this laft winter, and is fuppofed to receive favours from one of the actreffes.

When the day grows too bufy for these gentlemen to enjoy any longer the pleasures of their Deshabillé, with any manner of confidence, they give place to men who have bufiness or good fenfe in their faces, and come to the coffee-house either to tranfact affairs or enjoy conversation. The perfons to whose behaviour and difcourse I have most regard are fuch as are between these two forts of men; such as have not spirits too active to be happy and well pleased in a private condition, nor complexions too warm to make them neglect the duties and relations of life. Of these fort of men confift the worthier part of mankind; of these are all good fathers, generous brothers, fincere friends, and faithful subjects. Their entertainments are derived rather from reason than imagination; which is the cause that there is no impatience or instability in their speech or action. You sce in their countenances they are at home, and in quiet poffeffion of the present instant, as it passes without defiring to quicken it by gratifying any passion, or profecuting any new design. Thefe are the men formed for fociety, and those little communities which we express by the word neighbourhoods.

The coffee-house is the place of rendezvous to all that live near it, who are thus turned to relish calm and ordinary life. Eubulus prefides over the middle hours of the day, when this assembly of men meet together. He enjoys a great fortune handsomely, without launching into expence; and exerts many noble and useful qualities, without appearing in any public employment. His wisdom and knowledge are serviceable to all that think fit to make use of them; and he does the office of a council, a judge, an executor, and a friend, to all his acquaintance, not only without the profits which attend such offices, but alfo without the deference and homage which are ufually usually paid to them. The giving of thanks is displeang to him. The greatest gratitude you can shew him, is to let him fee you are the better man for his fervices; and that you are as ready to oblige others, as he is to oblige you.

In the private exegencies of his friends he lends, at legal value, confiderable fums, which he might highly increase by rolling in the public stocks. He does not consider in whose hands his money will improve most, but where it will do most good.

Eubulus has fo great an author'ty in his little diurnal audience, that when he thakes his head at any piece of public news, they all of them appear dejected; and, on the contrary, go home to their dinners with a good ftomach and chearful aspect, when Eubulus seems to intimate that things go well. Nay, their veneration towards him is fo great, that when they are in other company they speak and act after him; are wife in his sentences, and are no fooner fat down at their own tables, but they hope or fear, rejoice or despond, as they faw him do at the coffee-house. In a word, every man is Eubulus as foon as his back is turned.

Having here given an account of the several reigns that succeed each other from day-break till dinner-time, I shall mention the monarchs of the afternoon on another occafion, and shut up the whole feries of them with the history of Tom the Tyrant; who, as first minister of the coffeehouse, takes the government upon him betwcen the hours of eleven and twelve at night, and gives his orders in the most arbitrary manner to the servants below him, as to the disposition of liquors, coals, and cinders.

No 50. FRIDAY, APRIL 27.

Nunquam aliud natura, aliud fapientia dixit.

W

R

Jav. Sat. xiv. 321.

Good sense and nature always speak the fame. HEN the four Indian kings were in this country about a twelvemonth ago, I often mixed with the rabble, and followed thena a whole day together, being wonderfully ftruck with the fight of every thing that is new or uncommon. I have, fince their departure, esployed a friend to make many enquiries of their landlord the upholsterer, relating to their manners and conversation, as also concerning the remarks which they made in this country: for, next to the forming a right notion of fuch strangers, I should be defirous of learning what ideas they have conceived of us.

The upholsterer, finding my friend very inquifitive about these his lodgers, brought him fome time fince a little bundle of papers, which he affured him were written by king Sa Ga Yean Qua Rash Tow, and, as he supposes, left behind by fome mistake. These papers are now tranflated, and contain abundance of very odd observations, which I find this little fraternity of kings made during their stay in the ifle of Great Britain. I shall present my reader with a short specimen of them in this paper, and may perhaps communicate more to him hereafter. In the article of London are the following words, which without doubt are meant of the church of St. Paul.

1

On the most rifing part of the town there 'ftands a huge house, big enough to contain the whole nation of which I am king. Our good

< brother E Tow O Koam, king of the Rivers, is of opinion it was made by the hands of that great * God to whom it is confecrated. The kings of Granajah and of the Six Nations believe that it * was created with the earth, and produced on the * same day with the fun and moon. But for my * own part, by the best information I could get ' of this matter, I am apt to think that this prodigious pile was fashioned into the shape it now bears by several tools and instruments, of which they have a wonderful variety in this country.

It was probably at first an huge mis-shapen rock ' that grew upon the top of the hill, which the 'natives of the country, after having cut it into 'a kind of regular figure, bored and hollowed with incredible pains and industry, 'till they had wrought in it all those beautiful vaults and caverns into which it is divided at this day. As foon as this rock was thus curiously seooped ' to their liking, a prodigious number of hands must have been employed in chipping the out'fide of it, which is now as smooth as the furface of a pebble; and is in several places hewn ' out into pillars that stand like the trunks of fo many trees bound about the top with garlands 'of leaves. It is probable that when this great work was begun, which must have been many hundred years ago, there was some religion among this people: for they give it the name ' of a temple, and have a tradition that it was designed for men to pay their devotions in. And indeed there are several reasons which 'make us think that the natives of this country 'had formerly among them fome fort of wor

[ocr errors]

ship; for they set apart every feventh day as fa"cred: but upon my going into one of those ho'ly houses on that day, I could not obferve any 'circumstance of devotion in their behaviour.

[ocr errors]

There was indeed a man in black who was mounted above the rest, and seemed to utter

something with a great deal of vehemence; but 'as for those underneath him, instead of paying 'their worship to the deity of the place, they were most of them bowing and curtsying to one another, and a confiderable number of them < fast asleep.

The Queen of the country appointed two men to attend us, that had enough of our language to make themselves understood in some ' few particulars. But we soon perceived these ' two were great enemies to one another, and did not always agree in the fame story. We could make a shift to gather out of one of them, that this island was very much infested with a mon'strous kind of animals, in the shape of men, 'called Whigs; and he often told us, that he

[ocr errors]

hoped we should meet with none of them in our way, for that, if we did, they would be apt to ' knock us down for being kings.

' Our other interpreter used to talk very much ' of a kind of animal called a Tory, that was as great a monster as the Whig, and would treat us

[ocr errors]

as ill for being foreigners. These two creatures, 'it seems, are born with a fecret antipathy to one another, and engage when they meet as naturally as the elephant and the rhinoceros. But as we faw none of either of these species, we ' are apt to think that our guides deceived us ' with mifrepresentations and fictions, and amuf'ed us with an account of fuch monsters as are not really in their country.

These particulars we made a shift to pick out from the discourse of our interpreters; which

« VorigeDoorgaan »