N° 533. TUESDAY, Nov. 11. Immò duas dabo, inquit ille, una fi parum eft: Et fi duarum pænitebit, addentur duæ. Nay, fays he, if one is too little, I will give you two; and if two will not fatisfy you, I will add two more. PLAUT. To the SPECTATOR. SIR, Y < OU have often given us very excellent difcourfes against that unnatural custom of parents, in forcing their children to marry < contrary to their inclinations. My own cafe, without further preface, I will day before you, and leave you to judge of it. My father and mother both being in declining years, would fain fee me, their eldeft fon, as they call it, fettled. I am as much for that as they can be; but I must be fettled, it feems, not according to my own, but their liking. Upon this account, I am teized every day, because I have not yet fallen in love, in fpite of nature, with one of a neighbouring gentleman's daughters; for out of their abundant generofity, they give me the choice of four. Jack, begins my father, Mrs. Catharine is a fine woman-Yes, Sir, but he is rather too oldShe will make the more difcreet manager, boy. Then my mother plays her part. Is not Mrs. Betty exceeding fair? Yes, madam, but fhe is of no converfation; the has no fire, no agreeable vivacity; fhe neither fpeaks por looks with fpirit. True, fon: but for thofe very reafons, the will be an eafy, foft, obliging, tractable creature. After all, cries an old aunt, (who belongs to the clafs of thofe who read plays with fpectacles on) what think you, nephew, of proper Mrs. Dorothy? What do I think ? why, I think he cannot be above fix feet two inches high. Well, well, you may banter as long as you pleafe, but height of ftature is commanding and majestic. Come, come, fays a coufin of mine in the family, I will fit him; Fidelia is yet behind- -Pretty Mifs Fiddy muft please you— -Oh! your very humble fervant, dear coz, the is as much too young as her eldeft fifter is too old. Is it fo indeed, · randa's fortune is equal to those I have menticned; but her relations are not intimates with mine. Ah! there's the rub. Miranda's perfon, wit, and humour, are what the nicest < fancy could imagine; and though we know 6 you to be fo elegant a judge of beauty, yet there is none among all your various characters of fine women preferable to Miranda. In a word, fhe is never guilty of doing any thing but one amifs, (if the can be thought to do amifs by me) in being as blind to my faults, as he is to her own perfections. <I am, SIR, "Your humble obedient fervant, very • Mr. Spectator, " W -C · HEN you spent fo much time as you did lately in cenfuring the ambitious < young gentlemen who ride in triumph through town and country in coach-boxes, I wished 6 you had employed those moments in confideration of what paffes fometimes within fide of thofe vehicles. I am fure I fuffered fufficiently by the infolence and ill breeding of fome perfons who travelled lately with me in a stage coach out of Effex to London. I am fure, when you have heard what I have to say, you will think there are perfons under the character of gentlemen that are fit to be no where elfe but in the coach-box. Sir, I am a young woman of a fober and religious education, and have preferved that character; but on Monday was fortnight it was my misfortune to come to London. I was no fooner clapt in the coach, but to my great furprise, two perfons in the 'habit of gentlemen attacked me with such indecent difcourfe as I cannot repeat to you, fo you may conclude not fit for me to hear. I had no relief but the hopes of a speedy end of my short journey. Sir, form to yourself what a perfecution this must needs be to a virtuous and chafte mind; and in order to your proper handling fuch a fubject, fancy your wife or daughter, if you had any, in fuch circumftances, and what treatment you would think then due to fuch dragoons. One of them was called a captain, and entertained us with nothing but filthy ftupid queftions, or lewd fongs, all the way. Ready to burft with fhame and indignation, I repined that nature had not allowed us as eafily to fhut our ears as our eyes. But was not this a kind of rape? Why 'fhould there be acceffaries in ravishment any 'more than murder? Why fhould not every con tributor to the abufe of chastity fuffer death? 'I am fure thefe fhameless hell-hounds deferved it highly. Can you exert yourself better than ( < < quoth the, good Mr. Pert? You who are but on fuch an occafion? If you do not do it ef- < ( " " 6 as he? Sir, pray confider us in this refpect as the weakest fex, and have nothing to defend ourselves; and I think it is as gentleman-like to challenge a woman to fight, as to talk obfcenely in her company, especially when the has not power to ftir., Pray let me tell you a ftory which you can make fit for public view. 'I knew a gentleman, who having a very good gone through in three long whole years? Mi-opinion of the gentlemen of the army, invites 6 ten < 6 6 < < " C 6 C 6 C · " ten or twelve of them to fup with him; and at the fame time invited two or three friends,! who were very severe against the manners and morals of gentlemen of that profeffion. It · happened one of them brought two captains of his regiment newly come into the army, who at firft onfet engaged the company with very lewd healths and suitable difcourfe. You may < eafily imagine the confufion of the entertainer, " who finding fome of his friends very uneafy, defired to tell them the ftory of a great man,› one Mr. Locke (whom I find you frequently mention) that being invited to dine with the · then Lords Halifax, Anglefey, and Shaftfbury; immediately after dinner, instead of converfation, the cards were called for, where the bad or good fuccefs produced the ufual paffions of gaming. Mr. Locke retiring to a window, and writing, my Lord Anglesey de" fired to know what he was writing: "why, "My Lord," answered he, "I could not fleep "last night for the pleasure and improvement I "expected from the converfation of the greatest "men of the age." This fo fenfibly ftung them that they gladly compounded to throw their cards in the fire if he would his paper, and fo a conversation enfued fit for fuch perfons. This ftory preft fo hard upon the young captains, together with the concurrence of their fuperior officers, that the young fellows left the company in confufion. Sir, I know you hate long things; but if you like it you may contract it, or how you will; but I think it has a moral in it. < " C : But, Sir, I am told you are a famous mechanic as well as a looker-on, and therefore humbly propofe you would invent fome padlock, with full power under your hand and feal, for all modeft perfons, either men or wo< men, to clap upon the mouths of all fuch inpertinent impudent fellows and I wish you would publish a proclamation, that no modeft perfon that has a value for her countenance, and confequently would not be put out of it, I prefume to travel after such a day without one of them in their pockets. I fancy a smart Spectator upon this fubject would ferve for fuch a padlock; and that public notice may be given in your paper where they may be had with directions, price 2d. and that part of the directions may be, when any perfon prefumes to be guilty of the above-mentioned crime, the "party aggrieved may produce it to his face, < C < with a request to read it to the company. He must be very much hardened that could outface that rebuke; and his further punishment I leave you to prescribe.. T Your humble fervant, " < 6 which did me no great fervice in my education. I have perhaps an uncommon defire for knowledge of what is suitable to my sex and quality; but as far as I can remember, the 'whole difpute about me has been, whether 'fuch a thing was proper for the child to do, or not? Or whether fuch or fuch a food was the more wholefome for the young lady to eat; This was ill for my fhape, that for my complexion, and the other for my eyes. I am not extravagant when I tell you, I do not know that I have trod upon the very earth ever fince 'I was ten years old: a coach or chair I am obliged to for all my motions from one place to another ever fince I can remember. All who had to do, to instruct me, have ever been 'bringing ftories of the notable things I have, faid, and the womanly manner of my behaving myself upon fuch and fuch an occafion. This has been my ftáte, until I came towards years of womanhood; and ever fince I grew towards the age of fifteen, I have been abufed after another manner. Now, forfooth, I am so, killing, no one can fafely fpeak to me. Our house is frequented by men of sense, and I love to ask questions when I fall into fuch converfation; but I am cut fhort with fomething or other about my bright eyes. There is, Sir, a language particular for talking to women in; and none but thofe of the very first good breeding (who are very few, and who feldom come into my way) can fpeak to us without regard to our fex. Among the generality of those they call gentlemen, it is impoffible for me to fpeak upon any fubject whatsoever without provoking fomebody to fay, " oh! to be sure "fine Mrs. fuch-a-one must be very particu"larly acquainted with all that; all the world "would contribute to her entertainment and in"formation." Thus, Sir, I am fo handfome, that I murder all who approach me; fo wife, that I want no new notice; and fo well bred, that I am treated by all that know me like a fool, for no one will answer as if I were their 'friend or companion. Pray, Sir, be pleased to 'take the part of us beauties and fortunes into your confideration, and do not let us be thus flattered out of our fenfes. I have got an huffy of a maid, who is moft craftily given to this ill quality. I was at firft diverted with a certain abfurdity the creature was guilty of in every thing the faid; fhe is a country girl, and in the dialect of the fire fhe was born in, would tell me that every body reckoned her lady had the pureft red and white in the world: then the would tell me, I was the most like one Sifly Dobfon in their town, who made the miller make away with himfelf, and walk afterwards in the corn-field were they ufed to meet. With all this, this cunning huffy can lay letters in my way, and put a billet in my glove and then stand in it the knows nothing ' of it. I do not know, from my birth to this 6 6 C " No 534. WEDNESDAY, Nov. 12. Rarus enim fermè fenfus communis in illâ • Penance Cruel.' Juv. Sat. 3. ver. 73. We feldom find Much fenfe with an exalted fortune join'd. Mr. Spectator, I Am a young woman of nineteen, the only daughter of very wealthy parents; and have my whole life been ufed with a tenderness day, that I have been ever treated by any one as I ought; and if it were not for a few books which I delight in, I should be at this hour a novice to all common fenfe. Would it not be worth your while to lay down rules for behaviour in this cafe, and tell people, that we fair ones expect honeft plain anfwers as well as other people? Why must I, good Sir, becaufe I have a good air, a fine complexion, and am in the bloom of my years, be misled in all my 6 actions; actions; and have the notions of good and ill 'confounded in my mind, for no other offence, but becaufe I have the advantages of beauty and fortune? Indeed, Sir, what with the filly homage which is paid to us by the fort of people I have above fpoken of, and the utter negligence which others have for us, the con⚫ verfation of us young women of condition is no other than what muft, expofe us to igno-. rance and vanity, if not, vice. All this is • humbly submitted to your spectatorial wisdom, 6 • by, Sir, your humble fervant, • Mr. Spectator, I One WAS a wealthy grocer in the city, and as fortunate as diligent; but I was a fingle man, and you know there are women. in particular came to my fhop, who I wifhed might, but was afraid never would make a grocer's wife. I thought, however, to take an 'effectual way of courting, and fold her at lefs ' price than. I bought, that I might buy at lefs price than I fold. She, you may be fure, often came and helped me to many cuftomers at the 'fame rate, fancying I was obliged to her. You muft needs think this was a good living trade, and my riches must be vastly improved. In fine, I was nigh being declared bankrupt, when I declared myfelf her lover, and the herfelf 'married. I was juft in a condition to fupport 'myself, and am now in hopes of growing rich by lofing my customers. " I t • Yours, Mr. Spectator, AM in the condition of the idol you was once pleafed to mention, and bar-keeper of a coffee-houfe. I believe it is needless to tell you the opportunities I must give, and the importunities I fuffer. But there is one gentleman who befieges me as clofe as the French did Bouchain. His gravity makes him work cautious, and his regular approaches denote a good engineer. You need not doubt of his oratory, as he is a lawyer: and efpecially fince he has had fo little ufe of it at Westminster, he may fpare the more for me. } What then can weak woman do? I am willing to furrender, but he would have it at difcretion, and I with difcretion. In the 'mean time, whilft we parley, our feveral interefts are neglected. As his fiege grows ftronger, my tea grows weaker; and while he pleads at my bar, none come to him for counfel but in forma pauperis. Dear Mr. Spectator, advise him not to infift upon hard articles, nor by his irregular defires contradict the well meaning lines of his countenance. If we were agreed, we might fettle to fomething, as foon as we could determine where we fhould get moft by the law, at the coffeehoufe, or at Westminster. 6 Your humble fervant, A Minute from Mr. John Sly. T HE world is pretty regular for about fervatory of the faid Mr. Sly; but he is creforty rods eaft, and ten weft of the obdibly informed, that when they are got beyond the pass into the Strand, or those who move city-ward are got within Temple-Bar, they are just as they were before. It is therefore humbly propofed, that moving fentries may be appointed all the bufy hours of the day < between the Exchange and Westminster, and report what paffes to your honour, or your fubordinate officers, from time to time.' < 6 • Lucinda Parly.' Ordered, That Mr. Sly name the faid officers, provided he will anfwer for their principles and morals. T Cut fhort vain hope. ΜΕ Y four hundred and feventy-firft fpeculation turned upon the fubject of hope in general. I defign this paper as a fpeculation upon that vain and foolish hope, which is mifemployed on temporal objects, and produces many forrows and calamities in human life. It is a precept feveral times inculcated by. Horace, that we should not entertain a hope of any thing in life, which lies at a great diftance from us. The shortnefs and uncertainty of our time here, makes fuch a kind of hope unreafonable and abfurd. The grave lies unfeen between us, and the object which we reach after: where one man lives to enjoy the good he has in view, ten thousand are cut off in the purfuit of it. It happens likewife unluckily, that one hope no fooner dies in us, but another rifes up in its ftead. We are apt to fancy that we shall be happy and fatisfied if we poffefs ourselves of fuch and fuch particular enjoyments; but either by reafon of their emptiness, or the natural inquietude of the mind, we have no fooner gained one point, but we extend our hopes to another. We ftill find new inviting fcenes and landfkips lying behind those which at a distance terminated our view. The natural confequences of fuch reflexions are thefe; that we should take care not to let our hopes run out into too great a length; that we should fufficiently weigh the objects of our hope hope, whether they be fuch as we may reason- 66 "C "< 66 " and horfes. I fhall then begin to enjoy my"felf, and make a noife in the world. I will not, however, ftop there, but ftill continue my traffic until I have got together a hundred "thousand drachmas, When I have thus made "myself master of a hundred thousand drachmas, I thall naturally fet myself on the foot of a prince, and will demand the grand Vifier's "daughter in marriage, after having reprefented "to that minifter the information which I have "received of the beauty, wit, difcretion, and other "high qualities which his daughter poffeffes. I "will let him know at the fame time, that it is my intention to make him a prefent of a thou"fand pieces of gold on our marriage night. "As foon as I have married the grand Vifier's "daughter, I will buy her ten black eunuchs, "the youngest and beft that can be got for mo66 ney. I must afterwards make my father-in-law << Many of the miferies and misfortunes of life proceed from our want of confideration, in one or all of thefe particulars. They are the rocks on which the fanguine tribe of lovers daily fplit, and on which the bankrupt, the politician, the alchymift, and projector, are caft away in every age. Men of warm imaginations and towering thoughts are apt to overlook the goods of fortune which are near them, for fomething that glitters in the fight at a distance; to neglect folid and fubftantial happinefs, for what is fhowy and fuperficial; and to contemn that good that lies within their reach, for that which they are not capable" of attaining. Hope calculates its fchemes for a long and durable life; preffes forward to imaginary points of blifs, and grafps at impoffibilities; and confequently very often infuares men into beggary, ruin, and dishonour. 66 a vifit with a grand train and equipage. And "when I am placed at his right hand, which he "will do of courfe, if it be only to honour his "daughter, I will give him the thousand pieces "of gold which I promifed him, and afterwards "to his great furprize, will prefent him another "purfe of the fame value, with fome short speech, as, Sir, you fee I am a man of my word: I always give more than I promife.' "" 6 "When I have brought the Princefs to my "houfe, I fhall take particular care to breed her "in a due refpect to me, before I give the reins "to love and dalliance. To this end I fhall con"fine her to her own apartment, make her a fhort "vifit and talk but little to her. Her women "will reprefent to me, that fhe is inconfolable by "reafon of my unkindnefs, and beg me with "tears to carefs her, and let her fit down by 66 me; but I fhall ftill remain inexorable, and "will turn my back upon her all the first night. "Her mother will then come, and bring her glais-daughter to me, as I am feated upon my fofa. "The daughter, with tears in her eyes, will "< fling herself at my feet, and beg of me to receive her into my favour: then will. I, to "imprint in her a thorough veneration for my "perfon, draw up my legs, and fpurn her from "me with my foot, in fuch a manner that the "fhall fall down feveral paces from the fofa." 66 Alnafchar was entirely fwallowed up in this chimerical vifion, and could not forbear acting with his foot what he had in his thoughts: fo that unluckily ftriking his basket of brittle ware, which was the foundation of all his grandeur, he kicked his glaffes to a great diftance from him into the street, and broke them into ten thousand pieces. 0 What I have here faid, may ferve as a moral to an Arabian fable, which I find tranflated into French by Monfieur Galland. The fable has in it fuch a wild, but natural fimplicity, that I queftion not but my reader will be as much pleafed with it as I have been, and that he will confider himself, if he reflects on the feveral amufements of hope which have fometimes paffed in his mind, as a near relation to the Perfian man. Alnafchar, fays the fable, was a very idle fellow, that never would fet his hand to any businefs during his father's life. When his father died, he left him to the value of an hundred drachmas in Perfian money. Alnafchar, in order to make the beft of it, laid it out in glaffes, bottles, and the fineft earthen warc. Thefe he piled up in a large open basket, and having made choice of a very little shop, placed the bafket at his feet, and leaned his back upon the wall, in expectation of customers. As he fat in this pofture with his eyes upon the basket, he fell into a moft amufing train of thought, and was overheard by one of his neighbours, as he talked to himself in the following manner: "This bafket," fays he, "coft me "at the wholefale merchant's an hundred drach(( mas, which is all I have in the world. I fhall "quickly make two hundred of it, by felling it ❝ in retail. Thefe two hundred drachmas will in a very little while rife to four hundred, which of courfe will amount in time to four "thousand. Four thousand drachmas cannot "fail of making eight thousand. As foon as *by this means I am mafter of ten thoufand, IAST was the other day ftanding in my bookfeller's fhop, a pretty young thing about eighteen years of age, ftept out of her coach, and brufhing by me, beckoned the man of the hop to the farther end of his counter, where fhe whifpered fomething to him, with an attentive look, and at the fame time prefented him with a letter after which, preffing the end of her N° 536. FRIDAY, Nov. 14. will lay afide my trade of a glass-man, and "turn jeweller. I fhall then deal in diamonds, pearls, and all forts of rich ftones. When 1 "have got together as much wealth as I can well "defire, I will make a purchase of the finest «houfe I can find, with lands, flaves, eunuchs, fan fan upon his hand, fhe delivered the remaining part of her meffage, and withdrew. I obferved, in the midft of her difcourfe, that the flushed, and caft an eye upon me over her fhoulder, having been informed by my bookfeller, that I was the man with the fhort face whom the had fo often read of. Upon her paffing by me, the pretty blooming creature fmiled in my face, and dropped me a curtefy. She fcarce gave me time to return her falute, before the quitted the fhop with an eafy fkuttle, and stepped again into her coach, giving the, footman directions to drive where they were bid. Upon her departure, my bookfeller gave me a letter fuperfcribed, "To the in I fhall, in the next place, prefent my reader with the defcription of a fet of men who are common enough in the world, though I do not remember that I have yet taken notice of them, as they are drawn in the following letter. 1 Mr. Spectator, < 66 pofe, enlarged upon conjugal love, < be hoped you will difcourage every practice that rather proceeds from a regard to intereft, than 6 to happiness. Now you cannot but obferve, 6 that most of our fine young ladies readily fall in with the direction of the graver fort, to re'tain in their fervice, by fome fmall encou < genious Spectator," which the young lady had defired him to deliver into my own hands, and to tell me, that the fpeedy publication of it would not only oblige herfelf, but a whole tea-table of my friends. I opened it therefore, with a refolution to publifh it, whatever it thould contain, and am fure, if any of my male readers will be fo feverely critical as not to like it, they would have been as well pleafed with it as myfelf, had they feen the face of the pretty fcribe. ragement, as great a number as they can of fupernumerary and infignificant fellows, which Shoeing-horns. These are never defigned to know they ufe like whifflers, and .commonly call the length of the foot, but only, when a good offer comes, to whet and fpur him up to the point. Nay, it is the opinion of that grave lady, Madam Matchwell, that it is abfolutely convenient for every prudent family to have feveral of thefe implements about the house, to clap on as occafion ferves, and that every fpark, ought to produce a certificate of his being a fhoeing-horn, before he be admitted as a fhoe. A certain lady, whom I could name, if it was neceffary, has at prefent more fhoeing-horns of all fizes, countries, and colours, in her fervice, than ever the had new fhoes in her life. I have known a woman make use of a fhoeing-horn for feveral years, and finding him unfuccefsful in that function, convert him at length into a fhoe. I am mistaken if your friend Mr. William Honeycomb was not a caft-off 'fhoeing horn before his late marriage. As for have been an errant fhoeing-horn for above myfelf, I must frankly declare to you, that I thefe twenty years. I ferved my first mistress in that capacity above five of the number, be'fore the was fhod. I confefs, though fhe had many who made their application to her, I always thought myself the beft fhoe in her shop, and it was not until a month before her marriage that I difcovered what I was. This had like to have broke my heart, and raifed fuch fufpicions in me, that I told the next I made love to, upon receiving fome unkind ufage from her, that I began to look upon myfelf as no more than her thoeing-horn. Upon which, my who was a coquette in her nature, told " me, I was hypochondriacal, and that I might as well look upon myfelf to be an egg or a pipkin. But in a very fhort time after the gave 6 6 It would be tedious to recount to you the life me to know that I was not miftaken in myself. of an unfortunate fhoeing-horn, or I might en tertain you with a very long and melancholy relation of my fufferings. Upon the whole, I your poft, to determine in what cafes a woman think, Sir, it would very well become a man in may be allowed, with honour, to make use of a ihoeing-horn, as alfo to declare whether a maid has not been three years in that fate, may on this fide five and twenty, or a widow who be granted fuch a privilege, with other difficulties London, Nov. 1712. OU are always ready to receive any useful hint or propofal, and fuch, I believe, 6 you will think one that may put you in a way to employ the moft idle part of the kingdom; I mean that part of mankind who are known by the name of womens-men, or beaus, &c. Mr. Spectator, you are fenfible thefe pretty gentlemen are not made for any manly employments, and for want of bufinefs are often as much in the vapours as the ladies. Now what I propofe is this, fince knotting is again in fafhion, which has been found a very pretty amufement, that you will recommend it to thefe gentlemen as fomething that may make them useful to the ladies they admire. And fince it is not inconfiftent with any game, or • other diversion, for it may be done in the play houfe, in their coaches, at the tea-table, and, in thort, in all places where they come for the fake of the ladies (except at church, be pleafed to forbid it there, to prevent iniftakes) it will be eafily complied with. It is befides an employment that allows, as we fee by the fair fex, of many graces, which will make the beaus more readily come into it; it fhews a white hand, and a diamond ring, to great advantage; it leaves the eyes at full liberty to be employed as before, as alfo the thoughts, and the tongue. In fhort, it feems in every respect so proper, that it is needlefs to urge it farther, by fpeak-dear, ing of the fatisfaction thefe male knotters will find, when they fee their work mixed up in a fringe, and worn by the fair lady for whom and with whom it was done. Truly, Mr. • Spectator, I cannot but be pleafed I have hit upon fomething that thefe gentlemen are capable of; for it is fad fo confiderable a part of the kingdom (I mean for numbers) fhould be of no manner of use I shall not trouble you farther at this time, but only to fay, that I am always your reader, and generally your admirer, · C C 'C. B.' • Mr. Spectator, Y feveral fine fringes that only stay for more hands.' P. S. The fooner thefe fine gentlemen are fet to work the better; there being at this time 6 pur Is to |
