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an outer parlour about twelve: the enemy retired to the bed-chamber, yet I still purfued, and about two o'clock this afternoon the thought fit to capitulate. Her demands are indeed fomewhat high, in relation to the fettlement of her fortune. But being in poffeffion of the house, I intend to infift upon Carte Blanche, and am in hopes, by keeping off all other pretenders for the space of twenty-four hours, to ftarve her into a compliance. I beg your speedy advice, < and am,
From my camp in Red-Lion fquare, Saturday. four in the afternoon,
A fprinkling of the words Faction, Frenchman, Papift, Plunderer, and the like fignificant terms, in an italic character, have alfo a very good effect upon the eye of the purchaser; not to mention fcribler, liar, rogue, rafcal, knave, and villain, without which it is impoffible to carry on a modern controverfy
acquainted with the prefent pofture of affairs, will easily difcover the meaning of it.
If there are four perfons in the nation who endeavour to bring all things into confuffion, and ruin their native country, I think every honeft English-man ought to be upon his guard. That there are fuch, every one will agree with me, who hears me name *** with his firft friend and favourite *** not to mention ***
Some of our authors indeed, when they would be more fatirical than ordinary, omit only the vowels of a great man's name, and fall moft unmercifully upon all the confonants. This way of writing was first of all introduced by T-m Br-wn, of facetious memory, who, after having gutted a proper name of all its intermediate vowels, ufed to plant it in his works, and make as free with it as he pleafed, without any danger of the Katute.
nor ***. These people may cry ch-rch, ch-rch as long as they pleafe, but to make use of a homely proverb, "The proof of the p-dd-g "is in the eating." This I am fure of, that if a certain prince fhould concur with a certain prelate, (and we have Monfieur Z-n's word for it) our pofterity would be in a fweet pickle. Muft the British nation fuffer forfooth, because " my Lady Q-p-t-s has been difobliged? Or is it reasonable that our English fleet, which used
to be the terror of the ocean, thould lie wind-
fpeak out and declare my mind clearly, when I am talking for the good of my country. I will · not make my court to an ill man, though he were a B-y or a T-t. Nay, I would not stick to call fo wretched a politician, a traitor, an enemy to his country, and a Bl-nd-rb-fs, &c. &c.
That I may imitate thefe celebrated authors, and publish a paper which fhall be more taking than ordinary, I have here drawn up a very curious libel, in which a reader of penetration will And a great deal of concealed fatire, and, if he be
Our party writers are fo fenfible of the fecret virtue of an innuendo to recommend their productions, that of late they never mention the Qn or Pt at length, though they fpeak of them with honour, and with that deference N° 568. which is due to them from every private perfon. It gives a fecret fatisfaction to a perufer of these myfterious works, that he is able to decipher them without help, and by the ftrength of his own natural parts, to fill up a blank space, or make out a word that has only the first or laft letter to it.
The remaining part of this political treatise, which is written after the manner of the most celebrated authors in Great-Britain, I may communicate to the public at a more convenient feafon. In the mean while I thall leave this with my curious reader, as fome ingenious writers do their enigmas, and if any fagacious perfon can fairly unriddle it, I will print his explanation, and, if he pleafes, acquaint the world with his name.
I hope this fhort effay will convince my readers, it is not for want of abilities that I avoid ftate tracts, and that if I would apply my mind to it, I might in a little time be as great a mafter of the political fcratch as any the most eminent writer of the age. I thall only add, that in order to outfhine all this modern race of Syncopifts, and thoroughly content my English reader, I intend fhortly to publish a Spectator, that shall not have a fingle vowel in it.
FRIDAY, JULY 16.
Dum recitas, incipit effe tuus.
MART. Epig. 39. l. 1. Reciting makes it thine.
WAS yesterday in a coffee-house not far from the Royal Exchange, where I obferved three perfons in clofe conference over a pipe of tobacco; upon which, having filled one for my own ufe, I lighted it at the little wax candle that ftood before them; and after having thrown in two or three whiffs amongst them, fat down and made one of the company. I need not tell my reader, that lighting a man's pipe at the fame candle, is looked upon among brother fmokers as an overture to converfation and friendship. As we here laid our heads together in a very amicable manner, being intrenched under a cloud of our own raifing, I took up the lat Spectator, and cafting my eye over it, “The Spectator," fays I," is very witty to-day;" upon which a lufy lethargic old gentleman, who fat at
the upper-end of the table, having gradually blown out of his mouth a great deal of smoke, which he had been collecting for fome time before, "Ay," fays he, more witty than wife I am "afraid." His neighbour, who fat at his right hand, immediately coloured, and being an angry politician, laid down his pipe with fo much wrath that he broke it in the middle, and by that means furnished me with a tobacco-ftopper. I took it up very fedately, and looking him full in the face, made use of it from time to time all the while he was fpeaking: " This fellow," "fays he, "can't for his life keep out of poli❝tics. Do you fee how he abufes four great "men here ?" I fixed my eye very attentively on the paper, and asked him if he meant thofe who were represented by asterisks. "Afterifks," " fays he, "do you call them? they are all of "them ftars. He might as well have put gar"ters to them. Then pray do but mind the "two or three next lines: Ch-rch and p-dd-ng "in the fame sentence! Our clergy are very "much beholden to him." Upon this the third gentleman, who was of a mild difpofition, and as I found, a whig in his heart, defired himmot to be too fevere upon the Spectator, neither; "for," fays he, "you find he is very cautious of "giving offence, and has therefore put two "dashes into his pudding.” “A fig for his "dafh," fays the angry politician. "In his "next fentence he gives a plain innuendo, that "our pofterity will be in a fweet pickle. What "does the fool mean by his pickle? Why does "he not write it at length, if he means ho"neftly? I have read over the whole fentence," fays I;" but I look upon the parenthesis in "the belly of it to be the most dangerous part, "and as full of infinuations as it can hold. But "who," fays I, "is my Lady Q-p-t-s? Ay, "anfwer that if you can, Sir," fays the furious statesman to the poor whig that fat over-against him. But without giving him time to reply, "I do affure you," fays he, "were I my Lady Q-p-t-s, I would fue him for fcandalum mag66 natum. What is the world come to? Muft "every body be allowed to?" He had by this time filled a new pipe, and applying it to his lips, when we expected the last word of his fentence, put us off with a whiff of tobacco; which he redoubled with fo much rage and trepidation, that he almost stifled the whole company. After a fhort paufe, I owned that I thought the Spectator had gone too far in writing fo many letters of my Lady Q-p-t-s's name ; but however," fays I," he has made a little "amends for it in his next fentence, where he
leaves a blank space without fo much as a "confonant to direct us. I mean,' fays I, "after those words," the fleet that used to be the terror of the ocean, fhould be windbound for the fake of a—; "after which enfues a "chafm, that in my opinion looks modeft "enough. "Sir," fays, my antagonist, "you may "eafily know his meaning by his gaping; I "fuppofe he defigns his chafm, as you call it, "for an hole to creep out at, but I believe it "will hardly serve his turn. Who can endure "to fee the great officers of state, the B-y's and "T-t's treated after fo fcurrilous a man"ner?" "I can't for my life," fays I, "ima"gine who they are the Spectator means?" "No!" fays he!" Your humble fervant, "Sir!" Upon which he flung himfelf back in
his chair after a contemptuous manner, and fmiled upon the old lethargic gentleman on his left hand, who I found was his great admirer. The whig however had begun to conceive a good-will towards me, and feeing my pipe out, very generously offered me the ufe of his box; but I declined it with great civility, being obliged to meet a friend about that time in another quarter of the city.
At my leaving the coffee-houfe, I could not forbear reflecting with myself upon that grofs tribe of fools who may be termed the over wife, and upon the difficulty of writing any thing in this cenforious age, which a weak head may not conftrue into private fatire and personal reflexion.
A man who has a good nofe at an innuendo, fmells treason and fedition in the most innocent words that can be put together, and never fecs a vice or folly ftigmatized, but finds out one or other of his acquaintance pointed at by the writer. I remember an empty pragmatical fellow in the country, who, upon reading over The whole Duty of Man, had written the names of feveral perfons in the village at the fide of every fin which is mentioned by that excellent author; fo that he had converted one of the best books in the world into a libel against the 'fquire, churchwardens, overseers of the poor, and all other the moft confiderable perfons in the parish. This book with these extraordinary marginal notes fell accidentally into the hands of one who had never feen it before; upon which there arofe a current report that fome body had written a book against the 'fquire and the whole parish. The minifter of the place having at that time a controversy with some of his congregation upon the account of his tithes, was under some fufpicion of being the author, until the good man fet his people right, by fhewing them that the fatirical paffages might be applied to several others of two or three neighbouring villages, and that the book was writ against all the finners in England.
O vices are fo incurable as thofe which men are apt to glory in. One would wonder how drunkennefs fhould have the good luck to be of this number. Anacharfis, being invited to a match of drinking at Corinth, demanded the prize very humorously, because he was drunk before any of the reft of the company; for, fays he, when we run a race, he who arrives at the goal firft is intitled to the reward: on the contrary, in this thirty generation, the honour falls upon him who carries off the greatest quantity of liquor, and knocks down the rest of the company. I was the other day with honest Will Funneil the Weft-Saxon, who was reckoning up how much liquor had past through him
in the laft twenty years of his life, which, according to his computation, amounted to twenty-three hogfheads of October, four ton of port, half a kilderkin of fmall beer, nineteen barrels of cider, and three glaifes of champagne; befides which he had affifted at four hundred bowls of punch, not to mention fips, drams, and whets without number. I question not but every reader's memory will fuggeft to him feveral ambitious young men, who are as vain in this particular as Will Funnell, and can boaft of as glorious exploits.
Our modern philofophers obferve, that there is a general decay of moisture in the globe of the earth. This they chiefly afcribe to the growth of vegetables, which incorporate into their own fubftance many fluid bodies that never return again to their former nature: but with fubmiffion, they ought to throw into their account thofe innumerable rational beings which fetch their nourishment chiefly out of liquids; efpecially when we confider that men, compared with their fellow-creatures, drink much more than comes to their thare.
you. Upon this maxim is founded one of the
Thus does drunkennefs act in a direct contra
diction to reason, whose business it is to clear the
I fhould now proceed to fhew the ill effects which this vice has on the bodies and fortunes of men; but thefe I fhall reserve for the subject of fome future paper.
N° 570. WEDNESDAY, JULY. 21.
But however highly this tribe of people may think of themfelves, a drunken man is a greater monster than any that is to be found among all the creatures which God has made; as indeed there is no character which appears more defpicable and deformed, in the of all reafon
able perfons, than that of a drunkard. Bonofus, T
one of our own countrymen, who was addicted to this vice, having fet up for a fhare in the Roman empire, and being defeated in a great battle, hanged himself. When he was feen by the army in this melancholy fituation, notwithftanding he had behaved himfelf very bravely, the common jeft was, that the thing they faw hanging upon the tree before them, was not a man but a bottle.
This vice has very fatal effects on the mind, the body, and fortune of the perfon who is de
HOR. Ars Poet. ver. 322.
HERE is fcarce a man living who is not actuated by ambition. When this principle meets with an honeft mind and great abili ties, it does infinite fervice to the world; on the contrary, when a man only thinks of distinguishing himself, without being thus qualified for it, he becomes a very pernicious or a very ridiculous creature. I fhall here confine myself to that pretty kind of ambition, by which fome men grow eminent for odd accomplishments and trivial performances. How many are there whofe whole reputation depends upon a pun or quibble? You may often fee an artist in the ftreets gain a circle of admirers by carrying a long pole upon his chin or forehead in a perpendicular pofture. Ambition has taught fome to write with their feet, and others to walk upon their hands. Some tumble into fame, others grow immortal by throwing themselves through a hoop.
voted to it.
In regard to the mind, it first of all difcovers
HOR. Sat. 1. 1. 1. ver. 13.
Nor does this vice only betray the hidden faults of a man, and fhew them in the most odious colours, but often occafions faults to which he is not naturally fubject. There is more of turn than of truth in a faying of Seneca, that drunkennefs does not produce but difcover faults. Common experience teaches the contrary. Wine throws a man out of himself, and infufes qualities into the mind, which he is a ftranger to in her fober moments. The perfon you converfe with, after the third bottle, is rot the fame man who at firft fat down at table with
Cætera de genere boc adeo funt multa, loquacem
I am led into this train of thought by an ad. venture I lately met with.
I was the other day at a tavern, where the mafter of the houfe accommodating us himself with every thing we wanted, I accidentally fell into a difcourfe with him; and talking of a certain great man, who shall be nameless, he told me, that he had fometimes the honour" to treat him "with a whiftle;" (adding by the way of parenthefis) “ for you must know, gentlemen, that "I while the heft of any man in Europe.” This naturally put me upon defiring him to give us a fample of his art; upon which he called for a cafe-knife, and applying the edge of it to his mouth, converted it into a musical instrument, and entertained me with an Italian folo. Upon
laying down the knife he took up a pair of clean tobacco-pipes; and after having flid the fall
end of them over the table in a moft melodious trill, he fetched a tune out of them, whistling to them at the fame time in concert. In short, the tobacco-pipes became mufical pipes in the hands of our virtuofo, who confeffed to me ingenuously, he had broke fuch quantities of them, that he had almost broke himself, before he had brought this piece of mufic to any tolerable perfection. I then told him I would bring a company of
friends to dine with him next week, as an en
couragement to his ingenuity; upon which he thanked me, faying, that he would provide himfelf with a new frying-pan against that day. replied, that it was no matter; roaft and boiled would ferve our turn. He smiled at my fimplicity, and told me that it was his defign to give us a tune upon it. At I was furprised at such a promife, he sent for an old frying pan, and grating it upon the board, whistled to it in fuch a melodidious manner, that you could fcarce diftinguish it from a bafs-viol. He then took his feat with us at the table, and hearing my friend that was with me hum over a tune to himself, he told him if he would fing out, he would accompany his voice with a tobacco-pipe. As my friend has an agreeable bafs, he chofe rather to fing to the frying-pan; and indeed between them they made up a moft extraordinary concert. Finding our landlord fo great a proficient in kitchenmufic, I asked him if he was mafter of the tongs and key. He told me, that he had laid it down fome years fince, as a little unfashionable; but that if I pleafed he would give me a leffon upon the gridiron. He then informed me that he had added two bars to the gridiron, in order to give it a greater compafs of found; and I perceived was as well pleafed with the invention, as Sappho could have been upon adding two ftrings to the lute. To be fhort, I found that his whole kitchen was furnished with mufical inftruments; and could not but look upon this artift as a kind of burlefque musician.
He afterwards of his own accord fell into the imitation of several finging birds. My friend and I toasted our mistreffes to the nightingale, when all of a fudden we were furprifed with the mufic of the thrufh. He next proceeded to the fky-lark, mounting up by a proper fcale of notes, and afterwards falling to the ground with a very eafy and regular defcent. He then contracted his whiftle to the voice of feveral birds of the smallest fize. As he is a man of a larger bulk and higher ftature than ordinary, you would fancy him a giant when you looked upon him, and a tom-tit when you fhut your eyes. I muft not omit acquainting my reader, that this accomplished perfon was formerly the mafter of a toy hop near Temple-bar; and that the famous Charles Mathers was bred up under him. I am told that the misfortunes which he has met with in the world, are chiefly owing to his great application to his mufic; and therefore cannot but recommend him to my readers as one who deferves their favour, and may afford them great diverfion over a bottle of wine, which he fells at the Queen's-arms, near the end of the little piazza in Covent-Garden.
No 571. FRIDAY, JULY 23.
-Cælum quid quærimus ultra?
What feek we beyond Heav'n?
S the work, I have engaged in, will not
ing, but of feveral effays moral and divine, I hall publish the following one, which is founded friend, not questioning but it will please fuch of on a former Spectator, and fent me by a particular my readers, as think it no difparagement to their understandings to give way fometimes to a ferious thought.
N your paper of Friday the 9th inftant, you had occafion to confider the ubiquity of the God-head, and at the fame time, to fhew, that as he is prefent to every thing, he cannot but be attentive to every thing and privy to all the modes and parts of its exiftence: or, in other words, that the omniscience and omniprefence are co-exiftent, and run together thro' the whole infinitude of fpace. This confideration might furnish us with many incentives to devotion, and motives to morality; but as this fubject has been handled by feveral excellent writers, I fhall confider it in a light wherein I have not feen it placed by others.
Firft, How difconfolate is the condition of ⚫ an intellectual being, who is thus prefent with his Maker, but at the fame time receives no extraordinary benefit or advantage from this • his prefence!
Secondly, How deplorable is the condition of an intellectual being, who feels no other ef'fects froin this his prefence, but fuch as proceed from divine wrath and indignation!
Thirdly, How happy is the condition of that intellectual being, who is fenfible of his Ma'ker's prefence from the fecret effects of his mercy and loving kindness!
Firft, how difconfolate is the condition of an intellectual being, who is thus prefent with his Maker, but at the fame time receives no extraordinary benefit or advantage from this his prefence! Every particle of matter is actuated by this Almighty Being which paffes through it. The heavens and the earth, the ftars, and planets move and gravitate by virtue of this great principle within them. All the dead parts of nature are invigorated by the prefence of their Creator, and made capable of exerting their refpective qualities. The feveral instincts, in the brute creation, do likewife operate and work towards the feveral ends which are agreeable to them, by this divine energy. Man only, who does not cooperate with his holy fpirit, and is unattentive to his prefence, receives none of thofe advantages from it, which are perfective of his nature, and necefiary to his well-being. The divinity is with him, and in him, and every where about him, but of no advantage to him. It is the fame thing to a man without religion, as if there were no God in the world. It is indeed impoffible for an infinite being to remove himielf from any of his creatures; but though he cannot withdraw his effence from us, which would argue an imperfection in him, he can withdraw from us all the joys and confolati
" ons of it. His prefence may perhaps be neceffary to fupport us in our existence; but he may leave this our existence to itself, with regard to its happiness or mifery. For, in this fenfe, he may caft us away from his prefence, and take his holy fpirit from us. This fingle confideration one would think fufficient to make us open our hearts to all thofe infufions of joy and gladness which are so near at hand, and ready to be poured in upon us; efpecially when we confider, fecondly, the deplorable condition of an intellectual being who feels no other effects from his Maker's prefence, but fuch as proceed from divine wrath and indignation.
our very effence, and is as a foul within the foul to irradiate its understanding, rectify its will, purify its paffions, and enliven all the powers of man. How happy therefore is an intellectual being, who, by prayer and meditation, by virtue and good works, opens this 'communication between God and his own foul! Though the whole creation frowns upon him, and all nature looks black about him, he has his light and fupport within him, that are able to cheer his mind, and bear him up in the midst of all thofe horrors which encompass him. He knows that his helper is at hand, and is always nearer to him than any thing else can be, which is capable of annoying or terrifying him. In the midst of calumny or contempt, he attends to that being who whispers better things within his foul, and whom he looks upon as his defender, his glory, and the lifter-up of his head. In his deepeft folitude and retirement he knows that he is in company with the greatest of beings; and perceives within himself fuch real fenfations of his prefence, as are more delightful than any thing that can be met with in the converfation of his 'creatures. Even in the hour of death, he con'fiders the pains of his diffolution to be nothing else but the breaking down of that partition, which stands betwixt his foul, and the fight of that being, who is always prefent with him, and is about to manifeft itfelf to him in fulness • of joy.
We may affure ourselves, that the great author of nature will not always be as one, who is indifferent to any of his creatures. Thofe 'who will not feel him in 'his love, will be sure at length to feel him in his difpleafure. And how dreadful is the condition of that creature, who is only fenfible of the being of his Creator by what he fuffers from him! He is as ⚫ effentially prefent in hell as in heaven; but the inhabitants of the former behold him only in his wrath, and fhrink within the flames to ⚫ conceal themfelves from him. It is not in the power of imagination to conceive the fearful effects of omnipotence incenfed.
But I fhall only confider the wretchedness of an intellectual being, who in this life lies under the difpleafure of him, that at all times and in all places is intimately united with him. He is able to difquiet the foul, and vex it in all its 'faculties. He can hinder any of the greatest 'comforts of life from refreshing us, and give
an edge to every one of its flighteft calamities. Who then can bear the thought of being an outcaft from his prefence, that is, from the comforts of it, or of feeling it only in its terrors! How pathetic is that expoftulation of Job, when for the trial of his patience he was made to look upon himfelf in this deplorable condition! "Why haft thou fet me as a mark "against thee, fo that I am become a burden to
If we would be thus happy, and thus fen'fible of our Maker's prefence, from the fecret effects of his mercy and goodness, we must keep fuch a watch over all our thoughts, that, in the language of the fcripture, his foul may have pleasure in us. We must take care not to grieve his holy fpirit, and endeavour to 'make the meditations of our hearts always ac'ceptable in his fight, that he may delight thus to refide and dwell in us. The light of nature could direct Seneca to this doctrine, in a very remarkable paffage among his epiftles: Sacer • ineft in nobis fpiritus bonorum malorumque cuftos, &obfervator, & quemadmodum nos illum trataita & ille nos. "There is a holy fpirit "refiding in us, who watches and obferves both "good and evil men, and will treat us after the "fame manner that we treat him." But I fhall conclude this difcourfe with those more emphatical words in divine revelation, "If a "man love me, he will keep my words; and
my Father will love him, and we will come "unto him, and make our abode with him."
myfelf?" But thirdly, how happy is the condition of that intellectual being, who is fenfible of his Maker's prefence from the fecret effects of his mercy and loving kindness!
The bleffed in heaven behold him face to face, that is, are as fenfible of his prefence as we are of the prefence of any person whom we look upon with our eyes. There is doubtless a faculty in fpirits, by which they apprehend one another, as our fenfes do material objects; and there is no queflion but our fouls, when they are difembodied, or placed in glorified bodies
will by this faculty, in whatever part of fpace No 572. MONDAY, JULY 26.
-Quod medicorum eft
HOR. Ep. 1. 1. 2. v. 115.
Am the more pleased with these my paper fince I find they have encouraged several men of learning and wit to become my correfpondents: I yesterday received the following essay against quacks, which I thall here communicate to my readers for the good of the public, begging the writer's pardon for those additions and retrenchments which I have made in it. The