HUMOROUS POEMS. KING JOHN AND THE ABBOT OF FROM "PERCY'S RELIQUES." AN ancient story I'll tell you anon Of a notable prince that was called King John ; And I'll tell you a story, a story so merry, An hundred men the king did heare say, "How now, father abbot, I heare it of thee, Thou keepest a farre better house than mee; And for thy house-keeping and high renowne, I feare thou work'st treason against my crown.' "My liege," quo the abbot, "I would it were knowne I never spend nothing, but what is my owne; And I trust your grace will doe me no deere, For spending of my owne true-gotten geere." "Yes, yes, father abbot, thy fault it is highe, And now for the same thou needest must dye; For except thou canst answer me questions three, Thy head shall be smitten from thy bodie. “And first,” quo' the king, "when I'm in this stead, With my crowne of golde so faire on my head, "Secondly, tell me, without any doubt, And they hae ta'en his very heart's blood, And drank it round and round; And still the more and more they drank, Their joy did more abound. John Barleycorn was a hero bold, Of noble enterprise ; For if you do but taste his blood, 'T will make your courage rise. Then let us toast John Barleycorn, ROBERT BURNS. OF A CERTAINE MAN. certaine THERE was (not certaine when) a LOGIC OF HUDIBRAS. HE was in logic a great critic, A calf an alderman, a goose a justice, In mood and figure he would do. DR. SAMUEL BUTLER. THE VICAR OF BRAY. "The Vicar of Bray in Berkshire, England, was Simon Alleyn or Allen, and held his place from 1540 to 1588. He was a Papist under the reign of Henry the Eighth, and a Protestant under Ed. ward the Sixth. He was a Papist again under Mary, and once more became a Protestant in the reign of Elizabeth. When this scandal to the gown was reproached for his versatility of religious creeds. and taxed for being a turn-coat and an inconstant changeling, as Fuller expresses it, he replied: Not so neither; for if I changed my religion, I am sure I kept true to my principle, which is to live and die the Vicar of Bray.'"- DISRAELI.] IN good King Charles's golden days, To teach my flock I never missed : And this is law that I'll maintain Still I'll be the Vicar of Bray, sir When royal James possessed the crown, And read the Declaration; And I had been a Jesuit When William was our king declared, Set conscience at a distance; When royal Anne became our queen, I blamed their moderation; And this is law, etc. When George in pudding-time came o'er, Some thief, whom a halter will throttle, Some scoundrel has cut off the head of my horse, While I was engaged at the bottle, Which went gluggity, gluggity - glug — glug — glug." The tail of the steed pointed south on the dale, "T was the friar's road home, straight and level; But, when spurred, a horse follows his nose, not his tail, So he scampered due north, like a devil : "This new mode of docking," the friar then said, "I perceive does n't make a horse trot ill; And 't is cheap, for he never can eat off his head While I am engaged at the bottle, Which goes gluggity, gluggity - glug -glug-glug." Uncommon things, and rare, were his delight; From musings deep his brain ne'er gotten ease, Nor ceased he from study, day or night, Until (advancing onward by degrees) Sing, heavenly Muse. Things unattempted yet in prose or rhyme;" A shilling, breeches, and chimeras dire. He knew whatever breeds on earth or air or In silken or in leathern purse retains HAPPY the man, who, void of cares and strife, seas He many a creature did anatomize, "Almost unpeopling water, air, and land; Beasts, fishes, birds, snails, caterpillars, flies, Were laid full low by his relentless hand, That oft with gory crimson was distained; He many a dog destroyed, and many a cat; Of fleas his bed, of frogs the marshes drained, Could tellen if a mite were lean or fat, And read a lecture o'er the entrails of a gnat. He knew the various modes of ancient times, Their arts and fashions of each different guise, Their weddings, funerals, punishments for crimes, Their strength, their learning eke, and rarities; Of old habiliments, each sort and size, Male, female, high and low, to him were known; Each gladiator dress, and stage disguise; With learned, clerkly phrase he could have shown How the Greek tunic differed from the Roman gown. A curious medallist, I wot, he was, And boasted many a course of ancient coin; Well as his wife's he knewen every face, From Julius Cæsar down to Constantine: For some rare sculpture he would oft ypine, (As green-sick damosels for husbands do ;) And when obtained, with enraptured eyne, He'd run it o'er and o'er with greedy view, And look, and look again, as he would look it through. His rich museum, of dimensions fair, With goods that spoke the owner's mind was fraught: Things ancient, curious, value-worth, and rare, From sea and land, from Greece and Rome, were brought, Which he with mighty sums of gold had bought: On these all tides with joyous eyes he pored; And, sooth to say, himself he greater thought, When he beheld his cabinets thus stored, Than if he'd been of Albion's wealthy cities lord. MARK AKENSIDE. A Splendid Shilling: he nor hears with pain Not blacker tube, nor of a shorter size, O'er many a craggy hill and barren cliff, Upon a cargo of famed Cestrian cheese, High overshadowing rides, with a design To wend his wares at the Arvonian mart, Or Maridunum, or the ancient town Ycleped Brechinia, or where Vaga's stream Encircles Ariconium, fruitful soil! Whence flow nectareous wines, that well may vie With Massic, Setin, or renowned Falern. Thus, while my joyless minutes tedious flow, With vocal heel thrice thundering at my gate, Intrenched with many a frown, and conic beard, * A burlesque imitation of Milton's style. |