sengers with such impertinent falsehoods for the future. consistencies; and he may be justly termed a bumorist in a nation of humorists. Though he is generous even to profusion, he affects to As he had fancied himself quite unperceived, be thought a prodigy of parsimony and pru- he continued, as he proceeded, to rail against dence; though his conversation be replete with beggars with as much animosity as before; he the most sordid and selfish maxims, his heart threw in some episodes on his own amazing is dilated with the most unbounded love. I prudence and economy, with his profound skill have known him profess himself a man-hater, in discovering impostors; he explained the while his cheek was glowing with compassion; manner in which he would deal with beggars and, while his looks were softened into pity, were he a magistrate, hinted at enlarging some of I have heard him use the language of the most the prisons for their reception, and told two unbounded ill-nature. Some affect humanity stories of ladies that were robbed by beggarand tenderness, others boast of having such men. He was beginning a third to the same dispositions from nature; but he is the only purpose, when a sailor with a wooden leg once man I ever knew who seemed ashamed of his more crossed our walks, desiring our pity, and natural benevolence. He takes as much pains blessing our limbs. I was for going on withto hide his feelings, as any hypocrite would out taking any notice, but my friend looking to conceal his indifference; but on every un- wishfully upon the poor petitioner, bid me guarded moment the mask drops off, and re- stop, and he would show me with how much veals him to the most superficial observer. ease he could at any time detect an impostor. In one of our late excursions into the country, happening to discourse upon the provision that was made for the poor in England, he seemed amazed how any of his countrymen could be so foolishly weak as to relieve occasional objects of charity, when the laws had made such ample provision for their support. In every parish-house, says he, the poor are supplied with food, clothes, fire, and a bed to lie on; they want no more, I desire no more myself; yet still they seem discontented. I am surprised at the inactivity of our magistrates, in not taking up such vagrants, who are only a weight upon the industrious: I am surprised that the people are found to relieve them, when they must be at the same time sensible that it, in some measure, encourages idleness, extravagance, and imposture. Were I to advise any man for whom I had the least regard, I would caution him by all means not to be imposed upon by their false pretences: let me assure you, Sir, they are impostors, every one of them, and rather merit a prison than relief. He was proceeding in this strain earnestly, to dissuade me from an imprudence of which I am seldom guilty, when an old man, who still had about him the remnants of tattered finery, implored our compassion. He assured us that he was no common beggar, but forced into the shameful profession, to support a dying wife, and five hungry children. Being prepossessed against such falsehoods, his story had not the least influence upon me: but it was quite otherwise with the man in black: I could see it visibly operate upon his countenance, and effectually interrupt his harangue. I could easily perceive, that his heart burned to relieve the five starving children, but he seemed ashamed to discover his weakness to While he thus hesitated between compassion and pride, I pretended to look another way, and he seized this opportunity of giving the poor petitioner a piece of silver, bidding him, at the same time, in order that I should not hear, go work for his bread, and not tease nas. me. He now therefore assumed a look of importance, and in an angry tone began to examine the sailor, demanding in what engagement he was thus disabled and rendered unfit for service. The sailor replied, in a tone as angrily as he, that he had been an officer on board a private ship of war, and that he had lost his leg abroad, in defence of those who did nothing at home. At this reply, all my friend's importance vanished in a moment; he had not a single question more to ask; he now only studied what method he should take to relieve him unobserved. He had, however, no easy part to act, as he was obliged to preserve the appearance of ill-nature before me, and yet relieve himself by relieving the sailor. Casting, therefore, a look upon some bundles of chips which the fellow carried in a string at his back, my friend demanded how he sold his matches: but, not waiting for a reply, desired in a surly tone to have a shilling's worth. The sailor seemed at first surprised at his demand, but soon recollected himself, and presented his whole bundle, "Here, master," says he, "take all my cargo, and a blessing into the bargain." It is impossible to describe with what an air of triumph my friend marched off with his new purchase; he assured me, that he was firmly of opinion that those fellows must have stolen their goods, who could thus afford to sell them at half value. He informed me of several different uses to which those chips might be applied; he expatiated largely upon the savings that would result from lighting candles with a match, instead of thrusting them into the fire. He averred, that he would as soon have parted with a tooth as his money to those vagabonds, unless for some valuable consideration. I cannot tell you how long this panegyric upon frugality and matches might have continued, had not his attention been called off by another object more distressful than either of the former. A woman in rags, with one child in her arms, and another on her back, was attempting to sing ballads, but with such a mournful voice, that it was difficult to determine whether she was singing or crying. A wretch, who in the deepest distress still aimed at good-humour, was an object my friend was by no means capable of withstanding: his vivacity and his discourse were instantly interrupted; upon this occasion, bis very dissimulation had forsaken him. Even in my presence he immediately applied his hands to his pockets, in order to relieve her; but guess his confusion when he found he had already given away all the money he carried about him to former objects. The misery painted in the woman's visage was not half so strongly expressed as the agony in his. He continued to search for some time, but to no purpose, till, at length recollecting himself, with a face of ineffable good nature, as he had no money, he put into her hands his shilling's worth of matches! LETTER XXVI. TO THE SAME. As there appeared something reluctantly good in the character of my companion, I must own it surprised me what could be his motives for thus concealing virtues which others take such pains to display. I was unable to repress my desire of knowing the history of a man who thus seemed to act under continual restraint, and whose benevolence was rather the effect of appetite than reason. It was not, however, till after repeated solicitations he thought proper to gratify my curiosity," If you are fond," says he, "of hearing hair-breadth escapes, my history must certainly please; for I have been for twenty years upon the very verge of starving, without ever being starved. My father, the younger son of a good family, was possessed of a small living in the church. His education was above his fortune, and his generosity greater than his education. Poor as he was, he had his flatterers still poorer than himself; for every dinner he gave, they returned an equivalent in praise, and this was all he wanted. The same ambition that actuates a monarch at the head of an army, influenced my father at the head of his table; he told the story of the ivy-tree, and that was laughed at; he repeated the jest of the two scholars and one pair of breeches, and the company laughed at that; but the story of Taffy in the sedan-chair, was sure to set the table in a roar thus his pleasure increased in proportion to the pleasure he gave; he loved all the world, and he fancied all the world loved him. "As his fortune was but small, he lived up to the very extent of it; he had no intentions of leaving his children money, for that was dross; he was resolved they should have learning; for learning, he used to observe, was better than silver or gold. For this purpose, he undertook to instruct us himself; and took as much | pains to form our morals, as to improve our understanding. We were told, that universal benevolence was what first cemented society; we were taught to consider all the wants of mankind as our own; to regard the human face divine with affection and esteem; he wound us up to be mere machines of pity, and rendered us incapable of withstanding the slightest impulse made either by real or fictitious distress; in a word, we were perfectly instructed in the art of giving away thousands, before we were taught the more necessary qualifications of getting a farthing. My "I cannot avoid imagining, that thus refined by his lessons out of all my suspicion, and divested even of all the little cunning which nature had given me, I resembled, upon my first entrance into the busy and insidious world, one of those gladiators who were exposed without armour in the Amphitheatre at Rome. father, however, who had only seen the world on one side, seemed to triumph in my superior discernment; though my whole stock of wisdom consisted in being able to talk like himself upon subjects that once were useful, because they were then topics of the busy world, but that now were utterly useless, because connected with the busy world no longer. "The first opportunity he had of finding his expectations disappointed, was in the very middling figure I made in the university; he had flattered himself that he should soon see me rising into the foremost rank in literary reputation, but was mortified to find me utterly unnoticed and unknown. His disappointment might have been partly ascribed to his having overrated my talents, and partly to my dislike of mathematical reasonings, at a time when my imagination and memory, yet unsatisfied, were more eager after new objects, than desirous of reasoning upon those I knew. This did not, however, please my tutor, who observed, indeed, that I was a little dull; but at the same time allowed, that I seemed to be very good-natured, and had no harm in me. "After I had resided at college seven years, my father died, and left me his blessing. Thus shoved from shore without ill-nature to protect, or cunning to guide, or proper stores to subsist me in so dangerous a voyage, I was obliged to embark in the wide world at twenty-two. But, in order to settle in life, my friends advised, (for they always advise when they begin to despise us,) they advised me, I say, to go into orders. "To be obliged to wear a long wig, when I liked a short one, or a black coat, when I generally dressed in brown, I thought was such a restraint upon my liberty, that I absolutely rejected the proposal. A priest in England is not the same mortified creature with a bonze in China: with us, not he that fasts best, but eats best, is reckoned the best liver; yet I re. jected a life of luxury, indolence, and ease, from no other consideration but that boyish one of dress. So that my friends were now scrivener, who had frequently offered to lend me money, when he knew I did not want it. I informed him, that now was the time to put his friendship to the test; that I wanted to borrow a couple of hundreds for a certain occasion, and was resolved to take it up from him. And pray, Sir, cried my friend, do you want all this money? Indeed I never wanted it more, returned I. I am sorry for that, cries the scrivener, with all my heart; for they who want money when they come to borrow, will always want money when they should come to pay. perfectly satisfied I was undone ; and yet they | ment! My first application was to a citythought it a pity for one who had not the least harm in him, and was so very good-natured. "Poverty naturally begets dependence, and I was admitted as flatterer to a great man. At first I was surprised, that the situation of a flatterer at a great man's table could be thought disagreeable: there was no great trouble in listening attentively when his lordship spoke, and laughing when he looked round for applause. This even good manners might have obliged me to perform. I found, however, too soon, that his lordship was a greater dunce than myself; and from that very moment flattery was at an end. I now rather aimed at setting him right, than at receiving his absurdities with submission: to flatter those we do not know is an easy task; but to flatter our intimate acquaintances, all whose foibles are strongly in our eye, is drudgery insupportable. Every time I now opened my lips in praise, my falsehood went to my conscience; his lordship soon perceived me to be very unfit for service; I was therefore discharged; my patron at the same time being graciously pleased to observe, that he believed I was tolerably good. natured, and had not the least harm in me. "From him I flew with indignation to one of the best friends I had in the world, and made the same request. Indeed, Mr Drybone, cries my friend, I always though it would come to this. You know, Sir, I would not advise you but for your good; but your conduct has hitherto been ridiculous in the highest degree, and some of your acquaintance always thought you a very silly fellow. Let me see, you want two hundred pounds. Do you only want two hundred, Sir, exactly? To confess a truth, returned I, I shall want three hundred; but then I have another friend, from whom I can borrow the rest. Why then, replied my friend, if you would take my advice, (and you know I should not presume to advise you but for your own good,) I would recommend it to you to borrow the whole sum from that other friend; and then one note will serve for all, you know. "Disappointed in ambition, I had recourse to love. A young lady, who lived with her aunt, and was possessed of a pretty fortune in her own disposal, had given me, as I fancied, some reason to expect success. The symptoms by which I was guided were striking. She had always laughed with me at her awkward acquaintance, and at her aunt among the "Poverty now began to come fast upon number; she always observed, that a man of me; yet instead of growing more provident or sense would make a better husband than a fool, cautious as I grew poor, I became every day and I as constantly applied the observation in more indolent and simple. A friend was army own favour. She continually talked, in rested for fifty pounds; I was unable to extri.. my company, of friendship and the beauties of cate him, except by becoming his bail. When the mind, and spoke of Mr Shrimp my rival's at liberty, he fled from his creditors, and left me high-heeled shoes with detestation. These to take his place. In prison I expected greater were circumstances which I thought strongly satisfactions than I had enjoyed at large. I hopin my favour; so, after resolving, and re-re-ed to converse with men in this new world, simsolving, I had courage enough to tell her my mind. Miss heard my proposal with serenity, seeming at the same time to study the figures of her fan. Out at last it came: There was but one small objection to complete our happiness, which was no more than that she was married three months before to Mr Shrimp, with high-heeled shoes! By way of consolation, however, she observed, that, though I was disappointed in her, my addresses to her aunt would probably kindle her into sensibility; as the old lady always allowed me to be very good-natured, and not to have the least share of harm in me. ple and believing like myself, but I found them as cunning and as cautious as those in the world I had left behind. They spunged up my money whilst it lasted, borrowed my coals, and never paid for them, and cheated me when I played at cribbage. All this was done because they believed me to be very good-natured, and knew that I had no harm in me. "Upon my first entrance into this mansion, which is to some the abode of despair, I felt no sensations different from those I experienced abroad. I was now on one side the door, and those who were unconfined were on the other this was all the difference between us. "Yet still I had friends, numerous friends, At first, indeed, I felt some uneasiness, in and to them I was resolved to apply. O considering how I should be able to provide Friendship! thou fond soother of the human this week for the wants of the week ensuing; breast, to thee we fly in every calamity; to thee but, after some time, if I found myself sure the wretched seek for succour; on thee the of eating one day, I never troubled my head care-tired son of misery fondly relies; for thy how I was to be supplied another. I seized kind assistance the unfortunate always hopes every precarious meal with the utmost goodrelief, and may be ever sure of disappoint- humour; indulged no rants of spleen at my turned of sixty, he offered to make love, his mistress might spit in his face, or, what would be perhaps a greater punishment, should fairly grant the favour. As for old maids, continued I, they should not be treated with so much severity, because I suppose none would be so if they could. No situation; never called down Heaven and all usement and instruction, I could not avoid ob the stars to behold me dining upon a half-serving the great numbers of old bachelors and penny worth of radishes; my very companions maiden ladies with which this city seems to be were taught to believe that I liked salad better overrun. Sure, marriage, said I, is not sufthan mutton. I contented myself with think- ficiently encouraged, or we should never being, that all my life I should either eat white hold such crowds of battered beaux and decaybread or brown; considered that all that hap-ed coquettes, still attempting to drive a trade pened was best; laughed when I was not in they have been so long unfit for, and swarming pain, took the world as it went, and read Ta- upon the gaiety of the age." I behold an old citus often, for want of more books and com- bachelor in the most contemptible light, as an pany. animal that lives upon the common stock withHow long I might have continued in this out contributing his share: he is a beast of torpid state of simplicity I cannot tell, had I prey, and the law should make use of as many not been roused by seeing an old acquaintance, stratagems and as much force, to drive the rewhom I knew to be a prudent blockhead, pre-luctant savage into the toils, as the Indians ferred to a place in the government. I now when they hunt the rhinoceros. The mob should found that I had pursued a wrong track, and be permitted to halloo after him, boys may play that the true way of being able to relieve tricks on him with impunity, every well-bred others, was first to aim at independence my-company should laugh at him; and if, when self; my immediate care, therefore, was to leave my present habitation, and make an entire reformation in my conduct and behaviour. For a free, open, undesigning deportment, I put on that of closeness, prudence, and economy. One of the most heroic actions I ever performed, and for which I shall praise myself as long as I live, was the refusing half-a-lady in her senses would choose to make a subcrown to an old acquaintance, at the time ordinate figure at christenings or lyings-in, when when he wanted it, and I had it to spare; for she might be the principal herself; nor curry this alone I deserve to be decreed an ovation. favour with a sister-in-law, when she might "I now therefore pursued a course of unin- command a husband; nor toil in preparing terrupted frugality, seldom wanted a dinner, custards, when she might lie a-bed, and give and was consequently invited to twenty. I directions how they ought to be made; nor soon began to get the character of a saving stifle all her sensations in demure formality, hunks that had money, and insensibly grew when she might, with matrimonial freedom into esteem. Neighbours have asked my ad-shake her acquaintance by the hand, and wink vice in the disposal of their daughters; and I have always taken care not to give any. I have contracted a friendship with an alderman, only by observing, that if we take a farthing from a thousand pounds, it will be a thousand pounds no longer. I have been invited to a pawnbroker's table, by pretending to hate gravy; and am now actually upon treaty of marriage with a rich widow, for only having observed that the bread was rising. If ever I am asked a question, whether I know it or not, instead of answering, I only smile and look wise. If a charity is proposed, I go about with the hat, but put nothing in myself. If a wretch solicits my pity, I observe that the world is filled with impostors, and take a certain method of not being deceived, by never relieving. In short I now find the truest way of finding esteem, even from the indigent, is to give away nothing, and thus have much in our power to give." at a double entendre. No lady could be so silly as to live single, if she could help it. I consider an unmarried lady, declining into the vale of years, as one of those charming countries bordering on China, that lies waste for want of proper inhabitants. We are not to accuse the country, but the ignorance of its neighbours, who are insensible of its beauties, though at liberty to enter and cultivate the soil. "Indeed, Sir,” replied my companion,“ you are very little acquainted with the English ladies, to think they are old maids against their will. I dare venture to affirm, that you can hardly select one of them all, but has had frequent offers of marriage, which either pride or avarice has not made her reject. Instead of thinking it a disgrace, they take every occasion to boast of their former cruelty: a soldier does not exult more when he counts over the wounds he has received, than a female veteran when she relates the wounds she has formerly given exhaustless when she begins a narra, tive of the former death-dealing power of her eyes. She tells of the knight in gold lace, who died with a single frown, and never rose again till he was married to his maid; of the squire, who being cruelly denied, in a rage flew to the window and lifting up the sash, LATELY, in company with my friend in threw himself in an agony-into his arm. black, whose conversation is now both my am-chair; of the parson, who, crossed in love, re. LETTER XXVII. TO THE SAME. solutely swallowed opium, which banished the stings of despised love-by making him sleep. In short, she talks over her former losses with pleasure, and, like some tradesmen, finds consolation in the many bankruptcies she has suffered. "For this reason, whenever I see a superannuated beauty still unmarried, I tacitly accuse her either of pride, avarice, coquetry, or affectation. There's Miss Jenny Tinder-box, I once remember her to have had some beauty, and a moderate fortune. Her elder sister happened to marry a man of quality, and this seemed as a statute of virginity against poor Jane. Because there was one lucky hit in the family, she was resolved not to disgrace it by introducing a tradesman. By thus rejecting her equals, and neglected or despised by her superiors, she now acts in the capacity of tutoress to her sister's children, and undergoes the drudgery of three servants, without receiving the wages of one. one good feature in her face, she talks incessantly of the beauties of the mind."-Farewell. LETTER XXVIII. FROM THE SAME. WERE we to estimate the learning of the English by the number of books that are every day published among them, perhaps no country, not even China itself, could equal them in this particular. I have reckoned not less than twenty-three new books published in one day, which, upon computation, makes eight thousand three hundred and ninety-five in one year. Most of these are not confined to one single science, but embrace the whole circle. History, politics, poetry, mathematics, metaphysics, and the philosophy of nature, are "Miss Squeeze was a pawnbroker's daugh- all comprised in a manual not larger than that ter; her father had early taught her that mo- in which our children are taught the letters. ney was a very good thing, and left her a moder- If, then, we suppose the learned of England ate fortune at his death. She was so perfect- to read but an eighth part of the works which ly sensible of the value of what she had got, daily come from the press, (and surely none that she was resolved never to part with a can pretend to learning upon less easy terms), farthing without an equality on the part of her at this rate every scholar will read a thousand suitor: she thus refused several offers made books in one year.-From such a calculation, her by people who wanted to better them- you may conjecture what an amazing fund of selves, as the saying is; and grew old and ill-literature a man must be possessed of, who natured, without ever considering that she should have made an abatement in her pretensions, from her face being pale, and marked with the small-pox. "Lady Betty Tempest, on the contrary, had beauty, with fortune and family. But fond of conquest, she passed from triumph to triumph: she had read plays and romances, and there had learned, that a plain man of common sense was no better than a fool; such she refused, and sighed only for the gay, giddy, inconstant, and thoughtless; after she had thus rejected hundreds who liked her, and sighed for hundreds who despised her, she found herself insensibly deserted: at present she is company only for her aunts and cousins, and sometimes makes one in a country-dance, with only one of the chairs for a partner, casts off round a joint-stool, and sets to a corner cupboard. In a word, she is treated with civil contempt from every quarter, and placed, like a piece of old-fashioned lumber, merely to fill up a corner. "But Sophronia, the sagacious Sophronia, how shall I mention her? She was taught to love Greek, and hate the men from her very infancy she has rejected fine gentlemen because they were not pedants, and pedants, because they were not fine gentlemen; her exquisite sensibility has taught her to discover every fault in every lover, and her inflexible Justice has prevented her pardoning them: thus she rejected several offers, till the wrinkles of age had overtaken her; and now, without thus reads three new books every day, not one of which but contains all the good things that ever were said or written. And yet I know not how it happens, but the English are not, in reality, so learned as would seem from this calculation. We meet but few who know all arts and sciences to perfection; whether it is that the generality are incapable of such extensive knowledge, or that the authors of those books are not adequate instructors. In China, the emperor himself takes cognizance of all the doctors in the kingdom who profess authorship. In England, every man may be an author, that can write; for they have by law a liberty not only of saying what they please, but of being also as dull as they please. Yesterday, I testified my surprise to the man in black, where writers could be found in sufficient number to throw off the books I daily saw crowding from the press. I at first imagined that their learned seminaries might take this method of instructing the world. But to obviate this objection, my companion assured me, that the doctors of colleges never wrote, and that some of them had actually forgot their reading; but if you desire, continued be, to see a collection of authors, I fancy I can introduce you this evening to a club, which as. semble every Saturday at seven, at the sign of the Broom near Islington, to talk over the business of the last, and the entertainment of the week ensuing. I accepted this invitation; we walked together, and entered the house |