а

66

the more to disclose my situation, displayed conversation turning upon different subjects, his own without reserve. “ I am," said he, among other things Mr Chatter asked very a single man; have a considerable annuity, earnestly when I saw Mr Medlar? I told on which I live according to my own incli- him I had not had the pleasure of seeing you nation, and make the ends of the year meet these nineteen hours and a half; for you may very comfortably. As I have no estate to remember, sir, it was nearly about that time; leave behind me, I am not troubled with the I wont be positive as to a minute. “No!” importunate officiousness of relations or says he, " then I desire you will go to his Hegacy-hunters ; and I consider the world as lodgings immediately after dinner, and see made for me, not me for the world : it is my what's the matter with him, for he certainly maxim, therefore, to enjoy it while I can, and must be very bad, from having ate last night let futurity shift for itself.” While he thus such a vast quantity of raw oysters.” The indulged his own talkative vein, and, at the crusty gentleman, who from the solemnity same time, no doubt, expected a retaliation of his delivery, expected something extraorfron me, a young man entered, dressed in dinary, no sooner heard his conclusion, than black velvet, and an enormous tie-wig, with he started up in a testy humour, crying, an air, in which natural levity and affected " Pshaw! pshaw! d-n your oysters;" and solemnity were so jumbled together, that, on walked away, after a short compliment ofthe whole, he appeared a burlesque on all “ Your servant, sir,” to me. The doctor got decorum. This ridiculous oddity danced up up also, saying,—") vow and protest, upon to the table at which we sat, and, after a my word, I am actually amazed," and followed thousand grimaces, asked my friend, by the Mr Medlar to the bar, which was hard by, name of Mr Medlar, if we were not engaged where he was paying for his coffee: there he upon business? My companion put on a surly whispered so loud, that I could overhear,countenance, and replied,-"No great busi- “ Pray, who is this gentleman ?" His friend ress, doctor—but however,”—“O! then,” replied hastily,—“I might have known that cried the physician, “ I must beg your indul- before now, if it had not been for your im, gence a little,-pray pardon me, gentlemen. pertinent intrusion," and walked off very Sir,” said he, addressing himself to me, much disappointed. The ceremonious phy“your most humble servant, I hope you will sician returned immediately, and sat down forgive me, sir, I must beg the favour to sit, by me, asking a thousand pardons for leaving sir-Sir, I have something of consequence to me alone; and giving me to understand, that impart to my friend Mr Medlar—Sir, I hope what he had communicated to Mr Medlar at you will excuse my freedom in whispering, the bar was an affair of the last importance, sir.” Before I had time to give this com- that would admit of no delay. He then plaisant person my permission, Mr Medlar called for some coffee, and launched out into cried,—“I'll have no whispering ; if you have the virtues of that berry, which, he said, in any thing to say to me, speak with an audi- cold phlegmatic constitutions like his, dried ble voice.” The doctor seemed a little dis- up the superfluous moisture, and braced the concerted at this exclamation, and turning relaxed nerves. He told me it was utterly again to me, made a thousand apologies for unknown to the ancients; and derived its pretending to make a mystery of any thing, name from an Arabian word, which I might a piece of caution which he said was owing easily perceive by the sound and termination. to his ignorance of my connection with Mr From this topic he transferred his disquiMedlar; but, now he understood I was a sitions to the word drink, which he affirmed friend, he would communicate what he had was improperly applied the taking of to say in my hearing. He then began, after coffee, 'inasmuch as people do not drink, two or three hems, in this manner :-"You but sip or sipple that liquor; that the genumust know, sir, I am just come from dinner ine meaning of drinking is to quench one's at my lady Flareit’s (then, addressing himself thirst, or commit a debauch, by swallowing to me), a lady of quality, sir, at whose table wine ; that the Latin word, which conveyed I have the honour of dining sometimes. the same idea, was bibere or potare, and that There was Lady Stately, and my Lady Larum, of the Greeks pinein or poteein, though he and Mrs Dainty and Miss Biddy Gigler; upon was apt to believe they were differently used my word, a very good-natured young lady, on different occasions. For example :-to with a very pretty fortune, sir. There were drink a vast quantity, or, as the vulgar also my Lord Straddle, Sir John Shrug, and Mr express it, to drink an ocean of liquor, was Billy Chatter, who is actually a very face in Latin polare, and in Greek poteein; and, tious young gentleman. So, sir, her ladyship on the other hand, to use it moderately, was seeing me excessively fatigued, for she was bibere and pinein ; that this was only a conthe last of fifteen patients (people of dis-jecture of his own, which, however, seemed tinction, sir) whom I had visited this fore- to be supported by the word bibulous, which noon, insisted upon my staying dinner, is particularly applied to the pores of the though, upon my word, I'protested I had no skin, that can only drink a very appetite; however, in compliance with her tity of the circumambient moisture, by reason ladyship’s request, sir, I sat down, and the of the smallness of their diameters; whereas,

a

from the verb poteein is derived the substan- | a group of them around the fire, whom I tive potamos, which signifies a river, or vast immediately knew to be the very persons quantity of liquor. I could not help smiling who had the night before, by their laughing, at this learned and important investigation; alarmed my suspicion of the lady who had and, to recommend myself the more to my put herself under my protection. They no new acquaintance, whose disposition I was sooner perceived me enter with Dr Wagtail by this time well informed of, I observed, (for that was my companion's name), than that what he alleged, did not, to the best of they tittered and whispered one to another; my remembrance, appear in the writings of and I was not a little surprised to find that the ancients ; for Horace uses the words poto they were the gentlemen to whose acquainand bibo indifferently for the same purpose, tance he designed to recommend me : for, as in the twentieth ode of his first book- when he observed them together, he told me Vile potabis modicis Sabinum cantharis,

who they were, and desired to know by what --Et prælo domitam caleno tu bibes uvam:

name he should introduce me. I satisfied That I had never heard of the verb poteein, great gravity, saying,—"Gentlemen, your

him in that particular, and he advanced with but that potamos, potema, and potos, were

most obedient-give me leave to introduce derived from pino, poso, pepoka; in conse- my friend Mr Random to your society.” quence of which the Greek poets never use Then turning to me,—“ Mr Random, this is any other word for festal drinking. Homer Mr Bragwell-Mr Banter, sir-Mr Chatter describes Nestor at his cups in these words -my friend Mr Slyboot, and Mr Ranter, Nestora d'ouk elathen iache pinonta perempes: sir." I saluted each of them in order; and and Anacreon mentions it on the same occa

when I came to take Mr Slyboot by the hand, sion almost in every page

I perceived him thrust his tongue in his,

cheek, to the no small entertainment of the Pinonti de oinon hedun

company; but I did not think proper to take Otan pino ton oinon.

any notice of it on this occasion. Mr Ranter, Oplız' ego de pino:

too (who I afterwards learned was a player), and in a thousand other places. The doctor, displayed his talents, by mimicking my air, who, doubtless, intended by his criticism to features, and voice, while he returned my give me a high idea of his erudition, was compliment. This feat I should not have infinitely surprised to find himself schooled been so sensible of, had I not seen him behave by one of my appearance; and, after a con- in the same manner to my friend Wagtail, siderable pause, cried,—“Upon my word, when he made up to them at first. But for you are in the right, sir_I find I have not once I let him enjoy the fruits of his dexterity considered this affair with my usual accu- without question, or control, resolving, howracy.” Then accosting me in Latin which ever, to chastise his insolence at a more he spoke very well, the conversation was convenient opportunity. Mr Slyboot, guessmaintained full two hours, on a variety of ing I was a stranger, asked if I had been subjects, in that language; and, indeed, he lately in France ? and when I answered in spoke so judiciously, that I was convinced, the affirmative, inquired if I had seen the notwithstanding his whimsical appearance, Luxembourg gallery ? I told him I had consiand attention to trifles, that he was a man of dered it more than once with great attention. extensive knowledge, especially in books. Upon this a conversation ensued, in which I He looked upon me, as I afterwards under discovered him to be a painter. While we stood from Mr Medlar, as a prodigy in learn. were discoursing upon the particulars of this ing, and proposed that very night, if I was famous collection, I overheard Banter ask not engaged, to introduce me to several Dr Wagtail where he had picked up this Mr young gentlemen of fortune and fashion, with Random? To which question the physician whom he had an appointment at the Bedford answered,—“Upon my word, a mighty pretty coffee-house.

sort of a gentleman-a man of fortune, sir, -he has made the grand tour, and seen the

best company in Europe, sir.” " What? he CHAPTER XLVI.

told you so, I suppose ?” said the other, “I

I

take him to be neither more nor less than a Wagtail introduces me to a set of fine gen- French valet-de-chambre.” “O barbarous,

tlemen, with whom I spend the evening barbarous !" cried the doctor, “this is acat a tavern-our conversation—the cha- tually, upon my word, altogether unaccoun. racters of my new companions—the doctor table. I know all his family perfectly well, is roasted—the issue of our debauch. sir; he is of the Randoms of the north-a

very ancient house, sir, and a distant relation I ACCEPTED his offer with pleasure, and we of mine." I was extremely nettled at the went thither in a hackney coach, where I conjecture of Mr Banter, and began to saw a great number of gay figures fluttering entertain a very indifferent opinion of my about, most of whom spoke to the doctor company in general ; but as I might possibly with great familiarity. Among the rest stood | by their means accrire a more extensive and

а

agreeable acquaintance, I determined to bear | a hundred weight of dry tinder into a glass these little mortifications as long as I could, retort, and, distilling it by the force of animal without injuring the dignity of my character. heat, it would yield half a scruple of insipid After having talked for some time on the water, one drop of which is a full dose. weather, plays, politics, and other coffee-“ Upon my integrity !” exclaimed the creduhouse subjects, it was proposed that we lous doctor, “this is very amazing and exshould spend the evening at a noted tavern traordinary! that a caput mortuum shall yield in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired any water at all-I must own I have always in a body. Having taken possession of a been an enemy to specifics, which I thought room, called for French wine, and bespoken inconsistent with the nature of the animal supper, the glass went about pretty freely, economy; but certainly the authority of Soloand the characters of my associates opened mon is not to be questioned. I wonder upon me more and more. It soon appeared, where I shall find a glass retort large enough that the doctor was entertained as a butt for to contain such a vast quantity of tinder, the the painter and player to exercise their wit consumption of which must undoubtedly upon, for the diversion of the company. Mr raise the price of paper—or where I shall find Ranter began the game, by asking him what animal heat sufficient even to warm such a was good for hoarseness, lowness of spirits, mass.” Slyboot informed him, that he might and indigestion, for he was troubled with all have a retort blown for him as big as a these complaints to a very great degree. church ; and that the easiest method of raisWagtail immediately undertook to explain ing the vapour by animal heat, would be to the nature of his case, and, in a very prolix place it in the middle of an infirmary for manner, harangued upon prognostics, diag- feverish patients, who might lie upon matnostics, symptomatics, therapeutics, inanition trasses around, and in contact with it. He and repletion; then calculated the force of had no sooner pronounced these words, than the stomach and lungs in their respective Wagtail exclaimed, in a rapture,—“ An adoperations; ascribed the player's malady to mirable expedient, as I hope to be saved ! a disorder in these organs, proceeding from I will positively put it in practice.” This hard drinking and vociferation, and prescribed simplicity of the physician furnished excel. a course of stomachics, with abstinence from lent diversion for the company, who, in their venery, wine, loud speaking, laughing, sing. turns, sneered at him in ironical compliing, coughing. sneezing, or hallooing.“ Pah! mnents, which his vanity swallowed as the pah !” cried Ranter, interrupting him, “the genuine sentiments of their hearts. Mr remedy is worse than the disease-I wish I Chatter, iinpatient of so long a silence, now knew where to find some tinder water.” broke out, and entertained us with a cata“Tinder water !" said the doctor, “ upon my logue of all the people wlio danced at the word I don't apprehend you, Mr Ranter.” last Hampstead assembly, with a most cir“ Water extracted from tinder,” replied the cumstantial account of the dress and ornaother, “ an universal specific for all distem- ments of each, from the lappets of the ladies pers incident to man. It was invented by a to the shoe-buckles of the men ; concluding learned German monk, who, for a valuable with telling Bragwell, that his mistress Meconsideration, imparted the secret to Para- linda was there, and seemed to miss him ; celsus." " Pardon me," cried the painter, and soliciting his company at the next oc“it was first used by Solomon, as appears by casion of that kind. “No, no, demme,” said a Greek manuscript in his own hand-writing, Bragwell, “ I have something else to mind lately found at the foot of mount Lebanon, than dangling after a parcel of giddy-headed by a peasant who was digging for potatoes.” girls; besides, you know my temper is so “Well," said Wagtail, " in all my vast reading unruly that I am apt to involve myself in I never met with such a preparation ! neither scrapes when a woman is concerned. The did I know till this minute that Solomon last time I was there, I had an affair with understood Greek, or that potatoes grew in Tom Trippet.” “0! I remember that,” Palestine.” Here Banter interposed, saying, cried Banter; "you lugged out before the he was surprised that Dr Wagtail should ladies ; and I commend you for so doing, bemake the least doubt of Solomon's under-cause you had an opportunity of showing standing Greek, when he is represented to your manhood without running any risk.” us as the wisest and best educaied prince in “Risk !” said the other, with a fierce counthe world; and as for potatoes, they were tenance, damn my blood ! I fear no risks. transplanted thither from Ireland, in the time I an't afraid of lugging out against any man of the crusades, by some knights of that that wears a head, damme ! 'tis well known country. “I profess,” said the doctor, I have drawn blood more than once, and lost “there is nothing more likely I would some too; but what does that signify?" actually give a vast sum for a sigot of that The player begged this champion to employ manuscript, which must be inestimable-and him as his second the next time he intended if I understood the process, would set about it to kill, for he wanted to see a man die of a immediately." The player assured him the stab, that he might know how to act such a process was very simple '-that he must crampart the more naturally on the stage. “ Die !"

a

replied the hero; “no, by G-d! I know I ordinary affair that brings a lady to a tavern better things than to incur the verdict of a at this time o'night. Mr Ranter, pray do Middlesex jury-I should look upon my fen- the doctor's baisemoins to the lady, and cing-master to be an ignorant son of a b- squire her hither.” The player immediately if he had not taught me to prick any part of staggered out, and returned, leading in, with my antagonist's body that I please to disa- much ceremony, a tall strapping wench, ble.”

"Oho!" cried Slyboot, " if that be the whose appearance proclaimed her occupacase, I have a favour to ask. You must tion. We received her with the utmost know I am employed to paint a Jesus on the solemnity, and with a good deal of entreaty cross; and my purpose is to represent him she was persuaded to sit, when a profound at that point of time when the spear is thrust silence ensued, during which she fixed her into his side. Now, I should be glad you eyes, with a disconsolate look, upon the would, in my presence, pink some imperti- doctor, who was utterly confounded at her nent fellow into convulsions, without endan. behaviour, and returned her melancholy fourgering his life, that I may have an opportunity fold. At length, after a good many piteous of taking a good clever agony from nature. sighs, she wiped her eyes, and accosted him The doctor will direct you where to enter, thus :" What! not one word of comfort ? and how far to go; but pray let it be as near Will nothing soften that stony heart of thine ? the left side as possible.' Wagtail, who Not all my tears! not all my affliction ! not took this proposal seriously, observed, that it the inevitable ruin thou hast brought upon me! would be a very difficult matter to penetrate Where are thy vows, thou faithless, perjured into the left side of the thorax, without hurt-man? Hast thou no honour-no conscience ing the heart, and of consequence killing the —no remorse for thy perfidious conduct to. patient; but he believed it was possible for a wards me ?-Answer me, wilt thou at last do man of a very nice hand, and exact know- me justice, or must I have recourse to heaven ledge of anatomy, to wound the diaphragma or hell for my revenge?" If poor Wagtail somewhere about the skirts, which might was amazed before she spoke, what must his induce a singultus, without being attended confusion be on hearing this address! His with death; that he was ready to demonstrate natural paleness changed into a ghastly clay the insertion of that muscle to Mr Bragwell; colour, his eyes rolled, his lips trembled, and but desired to have no concern with the ex- he answered, in an accent not to be desperiment, which might essentially prejudice cribed, — Upon my word, honour and salvahis reputation, in case of miscarriage. Brag- tion! madam, you are actually mistaken in well was as much imposed upon by the pain- my person. I have a most particular veneter's waggery as the doctor, and declined ration for your sex, and am actually incapable engaging in the affair, saying, he had a very of injuring any lady in the smallest degree, great regard for Mr Slyboot, but had laid it madam ;-besides, madam, to the best of my down as a maxim never to fight except when recollection, I never had the honour of seeing his honour was engaged. . A thousand jokes you before, as I hope to be saved, madam !” of this kind wete uttered; the wine circulated; * How, traitor !” cried she, “ dost thou dissupper was served in; we ate heartily ; re- own me then ?-Mistaken! no, too well I turned to the bottle; Bragwell became noisy know that fair bewitching face! too well I and troublesome; Banter grew more and more know that false enchanting tongue !--Alas! severe; Ranter rehearsed; Slyboot made gentlemen, since the villain compels me, by faces at the whole company ; I sung French his unkindness, to expose myself and him, catches, and Chatter kissed me with great know that this betrayer, under the specious affection ; while the doctor, with a woful pretence of honourable addresses, won my countenance, sat silent like a disciple of Py-heart, and taking advantage of his conquest, thagoras. At length, it was proposed by Brag- robbed me of my virgin treasure, and afterwell, that we should scour the hundreds, wards abandoned me to my fate! I am now sweat the constable, maul the watch, and four months gone with child by him, turned then reel soberly to bed.

out of doors by my relations, and left a prey While we deliberated on this expedition, to misery and want! Yes, thou barbarian," the waiter came into the room, and asked said she, turning to Wagtail, “ thou tiger, for Doctor Wagtail; when he understood he thou succubus ! too well thou knowest my was present, he told him there was a lady situation--but I will tear out thy faithless below to inquire for hirn; at which message heart, and deliver the world from such a the physician started from his melancholy monster.” So saying, she sprung forward contemplation, and, with a look of extreme at the doctor, who, with incredible agility, confusion, assured the company, he could not jumped over the table, and ran behind Bragpossibly be the person wanted, for he had no well, while the rest of us endeavoured to connection with any lady whatever, and bade appease the furious heroine. Although every the drawer tell her so. * For shame !" cried body in the company affected the utmost surBanter, “ would you be so unpolite as to prise, I could easily perceive it was a scheme refuse the lady a hearing ! perhaps she comes concerted among them to produce diversion for a consultation. It must be some extra-1 at the doctor's expense; and being under no

a

concern about the consequence, I entered a piece out of it, gave it to the plaintiff, and into the confederacy, and enjoyed the distress bade her thank God for her good fortune. of Wagtail, who, with tears in his eyes, When she had received this bounty, she begged the protection of the company, de- affected to weep, and begged, since the phyclaring himself as innocent of the crime laid sician had renounced her, he would at least to his charge, as the fætus in utero; and vouchsafe her a parting kiss : this he was hinting at the same time that nature had not prevailed upon to grant with great relucput it in his power to be guilty of such a tres- tance, and went up with his usual solemnity pass-" Nature !" cried the lady, “there was to salute her; when she laid hold of his cheek no nature in the case—he abused me by the with her teeth, and held fast, while he roared help of charms and spells; else how is it with anguish, to the unspeakable diversion possible that any woman could have listened of all present. When she thought proper to to the addresses of such a scare-crow? release him, she dropt a low courtesy to the Were these owlish eyes made for ogling; company, and quitted the room, leaving the that carrion complexion to be admired; or doctor in the utmost horror; not so much on that mouth like a horse-shoe to be kissed? account of the pain, as the apprehension of No, no, you owe your success to your filtres, the consequence of the bite ; for by this time to your drugs, and incantations; and not to he was convinced of her being mad. Banter your natural talents, which are in every prescribed the actual cautery, and put the respect mean and contemptible.” The doc- poker in the fire to be heated, in order to tor now thought he had got an opportunity sear the place. The player was of opinion of vindicating himself effectually; and desired that Bragwell should scoop out the part the complainant to compose herself but for affected with the point of his sword; but the half an hour, in which he undertook to prove painter prevented both these dreadful operathe absurdity of believing in the power of tions, by recommending a balsam he had in incantations, which were only idle dreams of his pocket, which never failed to cure the ignorance and superstition. He accordingly bite of a mad dog; so saying, he pulled out pronounced a very learned discourse upon a small bladder of black paint; with which the nature of ideas, the power and indepen- he instantly anointed, not only the sore, but dence of the mind, the properties of stimu- the greatest part of the patient's face, and lating medicines, the difference between a left it in a frightful condition. In short, the proneness to venery, which many simples / poor creature was so harassed with fear and would create, and a passion limited to one vexation, that I pitied him extremely, and object, which can only be the result of sense sent him home in a chair, contrary to the and reflection ; and concluded with a pathetic inclination of every body present. remonstrance, setting forth his unhappiness This freedom of mine gave umbrage to in being persecuted with the resentment of a Bragwell, who testified his displeasure, by lady whom he had never injured, nor even swearing a few threats, without making any seen before that occasion, and whose facul- | application ; which being perceived by Slyties were, in all likelihood, so much impaired boot, who sat by me, he, with a view of proby her misfortunes, that an innocent person moting a quarrel, whispered to me, that he was in danger of being ruined by her disor- thought Bragwell used me very ill; but every der. He had no sooner finished his harangue, man was the best judge of his own affairs. than the forlorn princess renewed her lamen- I answered aloud, that I would neither suffer tations, and cautioned the company against Mr Bragwell nor him to use me ill with imhis eloquence, which she said, was able to punity, and that I stood in no need of his bias the most impartial bench in Christendom. counsel, in regard to the regulation of my Banter advised him to espouse her imme-conduct. He thought proper to ask a thoudiately, as the only means to salve his repu- sand pardons, and assure me he meant no tation, and offered to accompany him to the offence; while Bragwell feigned himself Fleet for that purpose ; but Slyboot proposed asleep, that he might not be obliged to take that a father should be purchased for the notice of what passed. But the player, who child, and a comfortable alimony settled on had more animal spirits, and less discretion the mother. Ranter promised to adopt the than Slyboot, unwilling to let the affair rest infant gratis. Wagtail was ready to wor where he had dropped it, jogged Mr Bragship him for his gen

osity; and, ough he well, and told him softly, that I called him persisted in protesting his innocence, con- names, and threatened to cudgel him. This descended to every thing, rather than his part: ular I understood by his starting, and unblemished character should be called in cry 18,—“ Blood and wounds ! you lie? No question. The lady rejected the proposal, man durst treat me so ignominiously. Mr and insisted on matrimony. Bragwell took Random, did you call me names, and threaten up the cudgels for the doctor, and undertook to drub me?" I denied the imputation, and to rid him of her importunity for half a proposed to punish the scoundrel who en. guinea ; upon which Wagtail, with great deavoured to foment disturbances in the eagerness, pulled out his purse, and put it company: Bragwell signified his approbation, into the hand of his friend, who taking half | and drew his sword; I did the same, and

a