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the reward; but gave me great joy, as I was | buckskin breeches, with the backside before, permitted now to continue my journey, with which she had slipped on in the hurry, and out any further molestation. °Resolving to her husband, with her petticoat about his make up for the small progress we had hith- shoulders : one had wrapped himself in a erto made, we this day travelled with great blanket, another was covered with a sheet, vigour, and before night reached a market- and the drummer, who had given his only town, twenty miles from the place from shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo, with whence we set out in the morning, without the bolster rolled about his middle. When meeting any adventure worth notice. Here, this affair was discussed, every body retired having taken up our lodging at an inn, I to his own apartment; the serjeant slipped found myself so fatigued, that I began to into bed, and my companion and I slept withdespair of performing our journey on foot, out any further disturbance till morning, when and desired Strap to inquire if there were we got up, went to breakfast, paid our reckany wagon, return horses, or other cheap oning, and set forward, in expectation of carriage in this place, to depart for London overtaking the wagon; in which hope, hownext day. He was informed that the wagon ever, we were disappointed for that day. As from Newcastle to London had halted there we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found two nights ago; and that it would be an easy myself quite spent with fatigue, when we matter to overtake it, if not next day, at entered a small village in the twilight. We farthest the day after the next. This piece inquired for a public house, and were directed of news gave us some satisfaction; and, after to one of a very sorry appearance.
At our having made a hearty supper on hashed mut- entrance, the landlord, who seemed to be a ton, we were shown to our room, which con- venerable old man, with long gray hair, rose tained two beds; the one allotted for us, and from a table placed by a large fire in a very the other for a very honest gentleman, who, neat paved kitchen, and, with a cheerful we were told, was then drinking below. countenance, accosted us in these words :Though we could have very well dispensed “salvete, pueri ingredimini.” I was not a with his company, we were glad to submit to little pleased to hear our host speak Latin, this disposition, as there was not another bed because I was in nope of recommending myempty in the house; and, accordingly, went self to him by my knowledge in that language; to rest, after having secured our baggage I therefore answered, without hesitation, under the bolster. About two or three o'clock “ dissolve frigus, ligna super foco_large in the morning, I was waked out of a very reponens. I had no sooner pronounced profound sleep, by a dreadful noise in the these words, than the old gentleman, running chamber, which did not fail to throw me into towards me, shook me by the hand, crying, an agony of consternation, when I heard " fili mi dilectissime! unde venis ? a superis, these words pronounced with a terrible voice: ni fallor!" In short, finding we were both - Blood and wounds ! run the halbert into read in the classics, he did not know how to the guts of him that's next you, and I'll blow testify his regard enough ; but ordered his the other's brains out presently." This daughter, a jolly, rosy-cheeked damsel, who dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of ears of Strap, than, starting out of bed, he his quadrimum, repeating, from Horace, at ran against somebody in the dark, and over the same time,—" deprome quadrimum saturned him in an instant; at the same time bina, 0 Thaliarche merum diota.” This bawling out,—“Fire ! murder ! fire!”—a cry quadrimum was excellent ale of his own which in a moment alarmed the whole house, brewing, of which he told us he had always and filled our chamber with a crowd of naked an amphora four years old for the use of people. When lights were brought, the himself and friends. In the course of our occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared; conversation, which was interlarded with which was no other than our fellow-lodger, scraps of Latin, we understood that this whom we found lying on the floor scratching facetious person was a schoolmaster, whose his head, with a look testifying the utmost income being small, he was fain to keep a astonishment at the concourse of apparitions glass of good liquor for the entertainment of that surrounded him. This honest gentle- passengers, by which he made shift to make man was, it seems, a recruiting serjeant, who the two ends of the year meet. “I am this having listed two country fellows over night, day," said he,“ the happiest old fellow in his dreamed they had mutinied, and threatened majesty's dominions. My wife, rest her soul, to murder him and the drummer who was is in heaven. My daughter is to be married along with him. This made such an im- next week : but the two chief pleasures of pression on his imagination, that he got up my life are these-(pointing to the bottle, in his sleep, and expressed himself as above. and a large edition of Horace that lay on the When our apprehension of danger vanished, table). I am old, tis true,—what then? the the company beheld one another with great more reason I should enjoy the small share surprise and mirth; but what attracted the of life that remains, as my friend Flaccus notice of every one, was our landlady, with advises :-tu ne quæsieris (scire nefas) nothing on but her shift and a large pair of quem mihi, quem tibi finem dii dederint.
Carpe diem quam minimum credula pos- | deserved ; therefore, I contented myself with tero.” As he was very inquisitive about our saying, I was sure he did not learn to be an affairs, we made no scruple of acquainting extortioner from Horace. He answered, I him with our situation, which, when he had was but a young man, and did not know the learned, he enriched us with advices how to world, or I would not tax him with extortion, behave in the world, telling us, that he was whose only aim was to live contentus parvo, no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In and keep off importuna pauperies. My the meantime, he ordered his daughter to lay fellow-traveller could not so easily put up a fowl to the fire for supper, for he was re- with this imposition; but swore he should solved this night to regale his friends,-per- either take one-third of the money, or go mittens divis cætera. While our entertain- without. While we were engaged in this ment was preparing, our host recounted the dispute, I perceived the daughter go out, and, adventures of his own life, which, as they conjecturing the occasion, immediately paid contain nothing remarkable, I forbear to re- the exorbitant demand; which was no sooner hearse. When we had fared sumptuously, done, than Biddy returned with two stout and drank several bottles of his quadrimum, fellows, who came in on pretence of taking I expressed a desire of going to rest, which their morning draught, but in reality to frighten was with some difficulty complied with, after us into compliance. Just as we departed, he had informed us that we should overtake Strap, who was half distracted on account the wagon by noon next day; and that there of this piece of expense, went up to the was room enough in it for half a dozen, for schoolmaster, and grinning in his face, prothere were only four passengers as yet in nounced with great emphasis,—" Semper that convenience. Before my comrade and avarus eget.” To which the pedant replied, I fell asleep, we had some conversation about with a malicious smile,—" Ànimum rege, the good humour of our landlord, which gave qui nisi paret, imperat.” Strap such an idea of his benevolence, that he positively believed we should pay nothing for our lodging and entertainment. Don't
CHAPTER XI. you observe," said he, “that he has conceived a particular affection for us ; nay, even treated We descry the wagon-get into it-arrive us at supper with extraordinary fare, which, at an inn-our fellow-travellers described to be sure, we should not of ourselves have -a mistake is committed by Strap, which called for?” I was partly of Strap's opinion; produces strange things. but the experience I had of the world made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, We travelled half a mile without exchanging getting up betimes, we breakfasted with our one word; my thoughts being engrossed by host and his daughter on hasty-pudding and the knavery of the world, to which I must ale, and desired to know what we had to pay: be daily exposed; and the contemplation of “ Biddy will let you know, gentlemen,” said my finances, which began sensibly to diminish. he, “ for I never mind these matters. Money At length Strap, who could hold no longer, Inatters are beneath the concern of one who addressed me thus :-“ Well, fools and their lives upon the Horatian plan-crescentem money are soon parted. If my advice had sequitur cura pecuniam.” Meanwhile, been taken, that old skinflint should have Biddy having consulted a slate that hung in been damn'd before he had got more than the the corner, told us our reckoning came to third of his demand. 'Tis a sure sign you 88. 73. Eight shillings and seven pence!" came easily by your money, when you squancried Strap;
“ 'tis impossible—you must be der it away in this manner. Ah, God help mistaken, young woman." “ Reckon again, you, how many bristly beards must I have child,” says her father, very deliberately, mowed before I earned four shillings and “perhaps you have miscounted.” “No, three-pence halfpenny, which is all thrown indeed, father," she replied, “I know my to the dogs! How many days have I sat business better.” I could contain my indiy- weaving hair, till my toes were numbed by nation no longer, but said, it was an uncon- the cold, my fingers cramped, and my nose scionable bill, and demanded to know the as blue as the sign of the periwig that hung particulars; upon which the old man got up, over the door! What the devil was you muttering—“:y, ay, let us see the particu. afraid of? I would have engaged to box with lars-that's but reasonable.” And, taking any one of those fellows that came in, for a pen, ink, and paper, wrote the following guinea. I'm sure I have beat stouter men items.-" To bread and beer, 60.-o a fowl than either of them.” And indeed my comand sausages, 2s.6d.-to four bottles quad- panion would have fought any body, when rim, 2s.to fire and tobacco, 7d.—to lody- his life was in no danger; but he had a mortal ing, 2s.--to breakfast, ls.—Total, 8s. 7d.” aversion to fire-arms, and all instruments of As he had not the appearance of a common death. In order to appease him, I assured publican, and had raised a sort of veneration him no part of this extraordinary expense in me by his demeanour the preceding night, should fall upon his shoulders : at which it was not in my power to upbraid him as he declaration he was affronted, and told me,
he would have me to know, that although he to know where we are, they would not sleep was a poor barber's boy, he had a soul to this night for vexation. I wish to God we spend his money with the best squire of the had wrote for the chariot ; I know we shall land. Having walked all day at a great pace, never be forgiven.” “Come, come, my dear,” without halting for a refreshment, we des- replied captain, " it dont signify fretting now cried, towards the evening, to our inexpress--we shall laugh it over as a frolic-I hope ible joy, the wagon about a quarter of a you will not suffer in your health. I shall mile before us; and, by the time we reached make my lord very merry with our adventures it, were both of us so weary, that, I verily in the diligence. This discourse gave me believe, it would have been impracticable such a high notion of the captain and his lady for us to have walked one mile farther. We that I durst not venture to join in the conver therefore bargained with the driver, whose sation. But immediately after, another fename was Joey, to give us a cast to the next male voice began:—"Some people give themstage for a shilling ; at which place we should selves a great many needless airs—bette. meet the master of the wagon, with whom folks than any here have travelled in wag we might agree for the rest of the journey. ons before now. Some of us have rode in
Accordingly, the conveyance stopped, and coaches and chariots, with three footmen beJoey having placed the ladder, Strap (being hind them, without making so much fuss loaded with our baggage) mounted first ; but, about it. What then? we are now all upon just as he was getting in, a tremendous voice a footing; therefore let's be sociable and mer. assailed his ears in these words :-“God's ry. What do you say, Isaac? is not this a fury! there shall no passengers come here.” good motion, you doating rogue ? speak, you The poor shaver was so disconcerted at this old cent per cent fornicator. What desperate exclamation, which both he and I imagined debts are you thinking of? what mortgage are proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he you planning? Well
, Isaac, positively you descended with great velocity, and a counte- shall never gain my favour till you turn over nance as white as paper. Joey, perceiving a new leaf, grow honest, and live like a genour astonishment, called in an arch sneer, tleman. In the mean time, give me a kiss -“Waunds, coptain, whay woant you suf- you old fumbler.” These words, accompafer the poor wagoner to ineake a penny ? nied with a hearty smack, enlivened the perCoom, coom, young inan, get oop, get oop, son to whom they were addressed to such a never moind the coptain- ''se not afear'd of degree that he cried, in a transport, though the coptain.” This was not encouragement with a faultering voice,—“Ah! you wanton sufficient to Strap, who could not be prevailed baggage—upon my credit you are a waggish upon to venture up again ; upon which I at- girl, he, he, he.” This laugh introduced a fit tempted, though not without a quaking heart, of coughing, which almost suffocated the poor when I heard the same voice muttering like usurer (such, we afterwards found, was the distant thunder," hell and the devil con profession of our fellow-traveller). About found me, if I don't make you smart for this!" | this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfort. However, I crept in, and by accident got an able nap, till such time as we arrived at the empty place in the straw, which I immediate- inn where we put up. Here, having alighted ly took possession of, without being able to from the wagon, I had an opportunity of discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in viewing the passengers in order as they en. the dark. Strap, following with the knapsack tered. The first who appeared was a brisk on his back, chanced to take the other side, airy girl, about twenty years old, with a and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly silver-laced hat on her head, instead of a cap, upon the stomach of the captain, who bel- a blue stuff riding-suit trimmed with silver, Jowed out in a most dreadful manner, very much tarnished, and a whip in her hand. “ blood and thunder, where's my sword ?" At After her came limping an old man, with a these words, my frighted comrade started up, worsted night-cap, buttoned under his chin, and at one spring bounced against me with and a broad-brimmed hat slouched over it; such force, that I thought he was the supposed an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck, son of Anak, who intended to press me to under which appeared a brown surtout, that death. In the mean time, a female voice covered a thread-bare coat and waistcoat, cried,—" bless me, what is the matter, my and, as we afterwards discerned, a dirty dear?" " The matter," replied the captain, flannel jacket. His eyes were hollow, blear. “ damn my blood ! my guts are squeezed into ed, and gummy; his face was shrivelled a pancake by that Scotchman's hump.” Strap, into a thousand wrinkles; his gums were trembling all the while at my back, asked destitute of teeth, his nose sharp and droophim pardon, and laid the blame of what had ing, his chin peaked and prominent, so that, happened upon the jolting of the wagon; and when he mumped or spoke, they approached the woman who spoke before went on:-"ay, one another like a pair of nut-crackers : he ay, my dear, it is our own fault; we may thank supported himself on an ivory headed cane; ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet and his whole figure was a just emblem of with. I thank God I never travelled so be- winter, famine and avarice. fore. I am sure, if my lady or Sir John was But how was I surprised when I beheld
the formidable captain in the shape of a little you, sir, who are you ?" replied Miss Jenny, thin creature, about the age of forty, with who made you a captain, you pitiful, a long withered visage, very much resembling trencher-scraping, pimping curler?—'Sdeath! that of a baboon, through the upper part of the army is come to a fine pass, when such which two little grey eyes peeped: he wore fellows 'as you get commissions—what, I his own hair in a queue that reached to his suppose you think I don't know you ? agad rump, which immoderate length, I suppose, you and your helpmate are well met-a castwas the occasion of a baldness that appeared off mistress and a bald valet-de-chambre are on the crown of his head, when he deigned well yoked together.” “Blood and wounds!" to take off his hat, which was very much of cried Weazel, "d'ye question the honour of the size and cock of Pistol's. Having laid my wife, madam? 'Hell and damnation ! no aside his great coat, I could not help admir- man in England durst say so much. I would ing the extraordinary make of this man of flea him-carbonado him! Fury and destrucwar: he was about five feet and three inches tion! I would have his liver for my supper."
" high, sixteen inches of which went to his So saying, he drew his sword, and flourished face and long scraggy neck; his thighs were with it, to the great terror of Strap; while about six inches in length, his legs resembling Miss Jenny, snapping her fingers, told him spindles or drumsticks, two feet and a half, she did not value his resentment a louse. and his body, which put me in mind of ex- In the midst of this quarrel, the master of tension without substance, engrossed the the wagon alighted, who, understanding the remainder; so that, on the whole, he appear- cause of the disturbance, and fearing the ed like a spider or grasshopper erect, and captain and his lady would take umbrage, was almost a vox et præterea nihil. His and leave his carriage, was at great pains to dress consisted of a frock of what is called have every thing made up; which he at last bear-skin, the skirts of which were about accomplished, and we sat down to supper half a foot long, an hussar waistcoat, scarlet altogether. At bed-time we were shown to breeches, reaching half way down his thighs, our apartments : the old usurer, Strap and I, worsted stockings, rolled up almost to his to one room ; the captain, his wife, and Miss groin, and shoes with wooden heels at least Jenny to another. About midnight, my two inches high: he carried a sword very companion's bowels being disordered, he got near as long as himself in one hand, and up, in order to go backward; but, in his rewith the other conducted his lady, who seem- turn, mistaking one door for another, entered ed to be a woman of his own age, and still Weazel's chamber, and without any hesitaretained some remains of an agreeable person, tion, went to bed to his wife, who was fast but so ridiculously affected, that, had I not asleep, the captain being at another end of been a novice in the world, I might have the room, groping for some empty vessel, in easily perceived in her the deplorable vanity lieu of his own chamber pot, which was and second-hand airs of a lady's woman. leaky. As he did not perceive Strap coming We were all assembled in the kitchen, when in, he went towards his own bed, after havCaptain Weazel (for that was his name) ing found a convenience; but no sooner did desired a room with a fire for himself and he feel a rough head, covered with a cotton spouse, and told the landlord they would sup night-cap, than it came into his mind that by themselves. The innkeeper replied that he had mistaken Miss Jenny's bed instead of he could not afford them a room by them- his own, and that the head he felt was that selves; and, as for supping, he had prepared of some gallant, with whom she had made victuals for the passengers in the wagon, an assignation. Full of this conjecture, and without respect of persons; but if he could scandalized at the prostitution of his apartprevail on the rest to let him have his choice ment, he snatched up the vessel he had just in a separate manner, he should be very well before filled, and emptied it at once on the pleased. This was no sooner said, than all astonished barber and his own wife, who, of us declared against the proposal ; and Miss waking at that instant, broke forth into laJenny (our other female passenger) observed, mentable cries, which not only alarmed the that, if Captain Weazel and his lady had a husband beyond measure, but frightened poor mind to sup by themselves, they might wait Strap almost out of his senses; for he verily until we should have done. At this hint, the believed himself bewitched; especially when captain putona martial frown, and looked very the incensed captain seized him by the throat, big, without speaking ; while his yoke-fellow, with a volley of oaths, asking him how he with a disdainful toss of her nose, muttered durst have the presumption to attempt the something about creature !"_which Miss chastity of his wife. Poor Strap was so Jenny overhearing, stept up to her, saying, amazed and confounded, that he could say -"None of your names, good Mrs Abigail; nothing but—“I take God to witness, she's -creature, quotha-I'll assure you. No a virgin for me.” Mrs Weazel, enraged to such creature as you, neither—no ten pound find herself in such a pickle, through the sneaker--no quality coupler." Here the precipitation of her husband, arose in her captain interposed, with amdamme, Ma- shift, and, with the heel of her shoe, which dam, what do you mean by that?" “Damn she found by the bed-side, belaboured the
captain's bald pate till he roared—“Murder."| afraid, he having stole away in the dark, " I'll teach you to empty your stink-pots on while the captain and his lady were at loggerme,” cried she, “you pitiful hop-o'-my-thumb heads. coxcomb. What! I warrant you're jealous, you man of lath. Was it for this I condescended to take you to my bed, you poor
CHAPTER XII. withered, sapless twig ?” The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought the Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who demaster of the wagon and me to the door, clines the combat--an affair between the where we overheard all that passed with captain and me—the usurer is fain lo great satisfaction. In the mean time, we give Miss Jenny five guineas for a rewere alarmed with the cry of_“ Rape! mur- lease—we are in danger of losing a meal der! rape!” which Miss Jenny pronounced -the behaviour of Weazel, Jenny and with great vociferation. “O! you vile abom- Joey, on that occasion-an account of inable old villain!" said she, “ would you rob Captain Weazel and his lady-the capme of my virtue ? but I'll be revenged of you, tain's courage tried Isaac's mirth at the you old goat! I will. Help! for heaven's captain's expense. sake! help! I shall be ravished, ruined ! help!” Some servants of the inn, hearing Next morning I agreed to give the master this cry, came running up stairs with lights, of the wagon ten shillings for my passage and such weapons as chance afforded, when to London, provided Strap should be allowed we beheld a very diverting scene. In one to take my place when I should be disposed corner stood the poor captain shivering in to walk. At the same time I desired him to his shirt, which was all torn to rags, with a appease the incensed captain, who had enwoful visage scratched all over by his wife, tered the kitchen with a drawn sword in his who had by this time wrapped the counter hand, and threatened, with many oaths, to pane about her, and set sobbing on the side sacrifice the villain who attempted to violate of her bed. In the other end lay the old his bed. But it was to no purpose for the usurer, sprawling on Miss Jenny's bed, with master to explain the mistake, and assure his flannel jacket over his shirt, and his tawny him of the poor lad's innocence, who stood meagre limbs exposed to the air: while she trembling behind me all the while : the more held him fast by the two ears, and loaded submission that appeared in Strap, the more him with execrations. When we asked implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, what was the matter, she affected to weep; who swore he must either fight him, or he told us she was afraid that wicked rogue had would instantly put him to death. I was ruined her in her sleep; and bade us take extremely provoked at this insolence, and notice of what we saw, for she intended to told him, it could not be supposed that a make use of our evidence against him. The poor barber lad would engage a man of the poor wretch looked like one more dead than sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaalive, and begged to be released; a favour ded he would wrestle or box with him. To which he had no sooner obtained than he which proposal Strap immediately gave as. protested she was no woman, but a devil in- sent, by saying, he would box with him for carnate; that she had first seduced his flesh a guinea. Weazel replied, with a look of to rebel, and then betrayed him. “Yes, disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman cockatrice," continued he, “ you know you of his character to fight like a porter, or even laid this snare for me, but you shan't succeed, to put himself on a footing, in any respect, for I will hang myself before you shall get a with such a fellow as Strap. "Oddsbodifarthing off me." So saying, he crawled to kins !" cried Joey, “sure, coptain, yaw would his own bed, groaning all the way. We then not commit moorder! Here's a poor lad advanced to the captain, who told us,- that is willing to make atoonement for his “Gentlemen, here has been a damned mis- offence; and an that woan't satisfie yaw, take; but I'll be revenged on him who was offers to fight yaw fairly. An yaw woan't the occasion of it. That Scotchman who box, I dare say he will coodgel with yaw. carries the knapsack shall not breathe this Woan't yaw, my lad ?”—Strap, after some vital air another day, if my name be Weazel. hesitation, answered, “Yes, yes, I'll cudgel My dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons ; with him.” But this expedient being also you are sensible I could mean no harm to rejected by the captain, I began to smell his you." "I know not what you meant,” re- character, and, tipping Strap the wink, told plied she sighing, “but I know I have got the company that I had always heard it said, enough to send me to my grave.” At length the person who receives a challenge should they were reconciled. The wife was com. have the choice of the weapons: this, thereplimented with a share of Miss Jenny's bed, fore, being the rule in point of honour, I (her own being overflowed), and the master would venture to promise on the head of iny of the wagon invited Weazel to sleep the companion, that he would even fight Captain remaining part of the night with him. I Weazel at sharps ; but it should be with such retired to mine, where I found Strap mortally sharps as Strap was best acquainted with,