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high spirit, which was often manifested at | ended in her bursting into tears of rage; when the expense of her dependents: that she her mother interposing, and examining into loved diversions, and looked upon Miss as the merits of the cause, determined it in my her rival in all parties; which indeed was the favour: and this good office I owed not to true cause of her disappointments, for, had any esteem or consideration she had for me, the mother been hearty in her interests, the but solely to the desire of mortifying her father would not have ventured to refuse her daughter, who on this occasion observed, demands. Over and above this intelligence, that let people be never so much in the right, I of myself soon made more discoveries. there were some folks who would never do Mr Lavement's significant grins at his wife, them justice; but to be sure they had their while she looked another way, convinced me reasons for it, which some people were not that he was not at all content with his lot; ignorant of, although they despised their litand his behaviour in presence of the captain tle arts. This insinuation of some people made me believe his chief torment was jea- and some folks put me upon observing the lousy. As for my own part, I was considered behaviour of my mistress more narrowly for in no other light than that of a menial ser- the future; and it was not long before I had vant, and had been already six days in the reason to believe that she looked upon her house without being honoured with one word daughter as a rival in the affections of Capfrom either mother or daughter, the latter (as tain O'Donnell, who lodged in the house. În I understood from the maids) having at table the mean time my industry and knowledge one day expressed some surprise that her gained me the good will of my master, who papa should entertain such an awkward mean- would often say, in French, "Mardi! c'est looking journeyman. I was nettled at this un bon garcon." He had a great deal of piece of information, and next Sunday (it business; but as he was mostly employed being my turn to take my diversion) dressed among his fellow refugees, his profits were myself in my new clothes, to the greatest ad- small. However, his expense for medicines vantage! and, vanity apart, made no con- was not great, for he was the most expert temptible figure. After having spent most man at a succedaneum of any apothecary in part of the day in company with Strap, and London; so that I have been sometimes some of his acquaintance, I came home in amazed to see him, without the least hesitathe afternoon, and was let in by Miss, who, tion, make up a physician's prescription, not knowing me, dropped a low curtsey as though he had not in his shop one medicine I advanced, which I returned with a profound mentioned in it. Oyster shells he could inbow, and shut the door. By the time I had vent into crab's eyes; common oil into oil of turned about, she had perceived her mistake, sweet almonds; syrup of sugar into balsamic and changed colour, but did not withdraw. syrup; Thames water into aqua cinnamoni; The passage being narrow, I could not get turpentine into capivi; and a hundred more away without jostling her; so I was forced costly preparations were produced in an into remain where I was, with my eyes fixed stant, from the cheapest and coarsest drugs of on the ground, and my face glowing with the materia medica; and when any common blushes. At length her vanity coming to her thing was ordered for a patient, he always assistance, she went away tittering, and I took care to disguise it in colour or taste, or could hear her pronounce the word "crea- both, in such a manner, as that it could not ture!" From this day forward she came possibly be known. For which purpose into the shop fifty times every day, upon cochineal and oil of cloves were of great various pretences, and put in practice so service. Among many nostrums which he many ridiculous airs, that I could easily per- possessed, there was one for the venereal ceive her opinion of me was changed, and disease, that brought him a good deal of that she did not think me altogether an un-money; and this he concealed so artfully worthy conquest. But my heart was so from me, that I could never learn its composteeled against her charms by pride and re-sition; but during the eight months I staid in sentment, which were two chief ingredients his service, he was so unfortunate in the use in my disposition, that I remained insensible of it, that three parts in four of those who to all her arts: and, notwithstanding some took it were fain to confirm the cure by a advances she made, could not be prevailed salivation under the direction of another docupon to yield her the least attention. This tor. This bad success, in all appearance, atneglect soon banished all the favourable im-tached him the more to his specific; and bepressions she felt for me, and the rage of a fore I left him, I may venture to say he slighted woman took place in her heart; this she manifested not only in all the suggestions her malice could invent to my prejudice with her father, but also in procuring for me such servile employments as she hoped would sufficiently humble my spirit. One day in particular, she ordered me to brush my master's coat, but I refusing, a smart dialogue ensued, which
would have sooner renounced the Trinity (notwithstanding his being a good hugonot) than his confidence in the never-failing power of this remedy.
Mr Lavement had attempted more than once to introduce a vegetable diet into his family, by launching out into the praise of roots and greens, and decrying the use of
flesh, both as a physician and philosopher; | apothecary, that he resumed all the politesse but all his rhetoric could not make one proselyte to his opinion, and even the wife of his bosom declared against the proposal. Whether it was owing to the little regard she paid to her husband's admonition in this particular, or to the natural warmth of her constitution, I know not, but this lady's passion became every day more and more violent, till at last she looked upon decency as an unnecessary restraint; and one afternoon, when her husband was abroad, and her daughter gone to visit, ordered me to call a hackney-coach, in which she and the captain drove towards Covent Garden. Miss came home in the evening, and, supping at her usual hour, went to bed. About eleven o'clock my master entered, and asked if his wife was gone to sleep: upon which I told him, my mistress went out in the afternoon, and was not yet returned. This was like a clap of thunder to the poor apothecary, who, starting back, cried, "Mort de ma vie! vat you tell a me? my vife not at home!" At that instant a patient's servant arrived with a prescription for a draught, which my master taking, went into the shop to make it up with his own hand. While he rubbed the ingredients in a glass mortar, he inquired of me whether or not his wife went out alone; and no sooner heard that she was in company with the captain, than, with one blow, he split the mortar into a thousand pieces, and, grinning like the head of a bass viol, exclaimed, "ah traitresse!" It would have been impossible for me to have preserved my gravity a minute longer, when I was happily relieved by a rap at the door, which I opened, and perceived my mistress coming out of the coach; she flounced immediately into the shop, and addressed her husband thus"I suppose you thought I was lost, my dear -Captain O'Donnell has been so good as to treat me with a play." "Play-play," cried he, "oho! yes, by gar, I believe ver prettie play." "Bless me!" said she, "what is the matter?" "Vat de matter!" cried he, forgetting all his former complaisance, "by gar, you be one damn dog's vife-ventre bleu ! me vill show you vat it is to put one horn upon mine head. Pardieu! le Captaine O'Donnell be one"- -Here the captain, who had been all the while at the door discharging the coach, entered, and said, with a terrible voice, "D-mme! what am I?" Mr Lavement, changing his tone, immediately saluted him with, “Oh serviteur, monsieur le captaine, vous etes un gallant homme-ma femme est fort obligee." Then turning about towards me, pronounced with a low voice, "et diablement obligeante, sans doute." 66 Harkee, Mr Lavement," said the captain, "I am a man of honour, and I believe you are too much of a gentleman to be offended at the civility I show your wife." This declaration had such an effect on the
of a Frenchman; and, with the utmost prostration of compliment, assured the captain that he was perfectly well satisfied with the honour he had done his wife. Matters being thus composed, every body went to rest. Next day I perceived, through a glass door that opened from the shop into the parlour, the captain talking earnestly to miss, who heard him with a look that expressed anger mingled with scorn; which, however, he at last found means to mollify, and sealed his reconciliation with a kiss. This circumstance soon convinced me of the occasion of the quarrel; but, notwithstanding all my vigilance, I could never discover any other commerce between them. In the mean while, I had reason to believe I had inspired one of the maids with tender sentiments for me; and one night, when I thought every other person in the house asleep, I took the opportunity of going to reap the fruits of my conquest, her bedfellow having the day before gone to Richmond to visit her parents. Accordingly I got up, and (naked as I was) explored my way in the dark to the garret where she lay. I was ravished to find the door open, and moved softly to her bedside, transported with the hope of completing my wishes. But what horrors of jealousy and disappointment did I feel, when I found her asleep fast locked in the arms of a man, whom I easily guessed to be no other than the captain's servant! I was upon the point of doing some rash thing, when the noise of a rat scratching behind the wainscoat put me to flight, and I was fain to get back to my own bed in safety. Whether this alarm had disordered my mind, or that I was led astray by the power of destiny, I know not; but, instead of turning to the left hand when Í descended to the second story, I pursued the contrary course, and mistook the young lady's bedchamber for my own. I did not perceive my mistake before I had ran against the bed-posts, and then it was not in my power to retreat undiscovered; for the nymph being awake, felt my approach, and, with a soft voice, bade me make less noise, lest the Scotch booby in the next room should overhear us.
This hint was sufficient to inform me of the nature of the assignation: and as my passions, at any time high, were then in a state of exaltation, I resolved to profit by my good fortune. Without any more ceremony, therefore, I made bold to slip into bed to this charmer, who gave me as favourable a reception as I could desire. Our conversation was very sparing on my part; but she upbraided the person whom I represented with his jealousy of me, whom she handled so roughly, that my resentment had well nigh occasioned a discovery more than once: but I was consoled for her hatred of me by the revenge I enjoyed in understanding from her own mouth, that it was now high time
to salve her reputation by matrimony, for she had reason to fear she could not much longer conceal the effects of their mutual intercourse. While I was meditating an answer to this proposal, I heard a noise in my room, like something heavy falling down upon the floor; upon which I started up, and creeping to the door of my chamber, observed, by moonlight, a man groping his way out; so I retired to one side to let him pass, and saw him go down stairs as expeditiously as he could. It was an easy matter to divine that this was the captain, who, having overslept himself, had got up at last to keep his assignation; and finding my door open, had entered my apartment instead of that of his mistress, where I supplied his place. But finding his mistake, by falling over my chair, he was afraid the noise might alarm the family, and for that reason made off, delaying the gratification of his desires till another opportunity. By this time I was satisfied; and, instead of returning to the place from whence I came, retreated to my own castle, which I fortified by bolting the door, and, in the congratulation of my own happiness, fell asleep. But the truth of this adventure could not be long concealed from my young mistress, who next day came to an explanation with the captain, upon his lamenting his last night's disappointment, and begging pardon for the noise he had made. Their mutual chagrin, when they came to the knowledge of what had happened, may be easily conjectured, though each had a peculiar grief unfelt by the other; for she was conscious of not only having betrayed to me the secrets of her commerce with him, but also of having incensed me by the freedoms she had taken with my name, beyond a hope of reconciliation. On the other hand, his jealousy suggested that her sorrow was all artifice, and that I had supplied his place with her own privity and consent. That such was the situation of their thoughts will appear in the sequel; for that very day she came into the shop, where I was alone, and fixing her eyes, swimming in tears, upon me, sighed most piteously but I was proof against her distress, by recollecting the epithets with which she had honoured me the night before; and believing that the good reception I enjoyed was destined for another, I therefore took no notice of her affliction, and she had the mortification to find her disdain returned fourfold. However, from thence forward she thought proper to use me with more complaisance than usual, knowing that it was in my power at any time to publish her shame. By these means my life became much more agreeable (though I never could prevail upon myself to repeat my nocturnal visit), and, as I every day improved in my knowledge of the town, I shook off my awkward air by degrees, and acquired the character of a polite journeyman apothecary.
I am assaulted and dangerously woundedsuspect O'Donnell, and am confirmed in my opinion-concert a scheme of revenge, and put it in execution-O'Donnell robs his own servant, and disappears—I make my addresses to a lady, and am miraculously delivered from her snare.
ONE night about twelve o'clock, as I returned from visiting a patient at Chelsea, I received a blow on my head from an unseen hand, that stretched me senseless on the ground, and was left for dead with three stabs of a sword in my body. The groans I uttered, when I recovered the use of my reason, alarmed the people of a solitary alehouse that stood near the spot where I lay, and they were humane enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon, who dressed my wounds, and assured me they were not mortal. One of them penetrated though the skin and muscles of one side of my belly in such a manner, that doubtless the assassin imagined he had run me through the entails. The second slanted along one of my ribs; and the last, which was intended for the finishing stroke, having been directed to my heart, the sword snapped upon my breast-bone, and the point remained sticking in the skin. When I reflected upon this event, I could not persuade myself that I had been assaulted by a common footpad; because it is not usual for such people to murder those they rob, especially when they meet with no resistance; and I found my money and every thing else about me (but my carcass) safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must either have been mistaken for another, or obliged to the private resentment of some secret enemy for what had happened; and as I could remember nobody who had the least cause of complaint against me, except Captain O'Donnell and my master's daughter, my suspicion settled on them, though I took care to conceal it, that I might the sooner arrive at confirmation. With this view I went home in a chair about ten o'clock in the morning; and as the chairman supported me into the house, met the captain in the passage, who no sooner saw me, than he started back, and gave evident signs of guilty confusion, which he would have accounted for from the surprise occasioned by seeing me in such a condition. My master, having heard my story, condoled me with a good deal of sympathy; and when he understood my wounds were not dangerous, ordered me to be carried up stairs to bed; though not without some opposition from his wife, who was of opinion it would be better for me to go to an hospital, where I should be more carefully attended. My meditation was employed in concerting with myself some method of revenge against Squire
O'Donnell and his inamorata, whom I looked upon as the authors of my misfortune, when miss (who was not at home at my arrival) entered my chamber, and, saying she was sorry for the accident that had befallen me, asked if I suspected any body to be the assassin; upon which I fixed my eyes steadfastly upon her, and answered, "yes." She discovered no symptom of confusion; but replied hastily, "If that be the case, why don't you take out a warrant to have him apprehended! It will cost but a trifle; if you have no money I'll lend you." This frankness not only cured me of my suspicion with respect to her, but even staggered my belief with regard to the captain, of whose guilt I resolved to have further proof, before I should enterprize any thing in the way of revenge. I thanked her kindly for her generous offer, which, however, I had no occasion to accept, being determined to do nothing rashly; for though I could plainly perceive the person who attacked me to be a soldier, whose face I thought was familiar to me, I could not swear with a safe conscience to any particular man; and, granting I could, my prosecution of him would not much avail. This uncertainty I pretended, lest the captain, hearing from her that I knew the person who wounded me, might think proper to withdraw before I could be in a condition to requite him. In two days I was up, and able to do a little business; so that Mr Lavement made shift to carry on his practice, without hiring another journeyman in my room. The first thing I attempted towards a certain discovery of my secret enemy, was to get into O'Donnell's apartment while he was abroad in an undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being broke off, I applied the fragment that was found sticking in my body, and found it answered the fractured part exactly. There was no room left for doubt; and all that remained was to fix upon a scheme of revenge, which almost solely engrossed my thoughts during the space of eight nights and days. Sometimes I was tempted to fall upon him in the same manner as he had practised upon me, and kill him outright. But this assault my honour opposed as a piece of barbarous cowardice, in which he was not to be imitated. At other times I entertained thoughts of demanding satisfaction in an honourable way; but was diverted from this undertaking by considering the uncertainty of the event, and the nature of the injury he had done me, which did not entitle him to such easy terms. At last I determined to pursue a middle course; and actually put my design in execution after this manner. Having secured the assistance of Strap and two of his acquaintance whom he could depend upon, we provided ourselves with disguises, and I caused the following letter to be delivered to him by one of our associates, in livery, one Sunday evening.
"SIR,-If I may be allowed to judge from appearance, it will not be disagreeable to you to hear that my husband is gone to Bagshot to visit a patient, and will not return till tomorrow night; so that if you have any thing to propose to me (as your behaviour on many occasions has seemed to insinuate), you will do well to embrace the present opportunity of seeing "Yours, &c.
This letter was signed with the name of an apothecary's wife who lived in Chelsea, of whom I had heard O'Donnell was an admirer. Every thing succeeded to our wish. The amorous hero hastened towards the place of assignation, and was encountered by us in the very place where he had assaulted me. We rushed upon him all at once, secured his' sword, stripped off his clothes even to the skin, which we scourged with nettles till he was blistered from head to foot, notwithstanding all the eloquence of his tears and supplications. When I was satisfied with the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his clothes, which we hid in a hedge near the place, and left him stark naked to find his way home in the best manner he could, while I took care to be there before him. I afterwards understood, that in his way to the lodgings of a friend who lived in the skirts of the town, he was picked up by the watch, who carried him to the round-house, from whence he sent for clothes to his lodgings; and next morning arrived at the door in a chair, wrapped up in a blanket he had borrowed: for his body was so sore and swelled, that he could not bear to be confined in his wearing apparel. He was treated with the utmost tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, who vied with each other in their care and attendance of him: but Lavement himself could not forbear expressing his joy, by several malicious grins, while he ordered me to prepare an unguent for his sores. As to myself, nobody can doubt my gratification when I had every day an opportunity of seeing my revenge protracted on the body of my adversary, by the ulcers of which I had been the cause: and indeed 1 not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having flayed him alive, but another also which I had not foreseen. The story of his being attacked and stripped in such a place having been inserted in the news, gave information to those who found his clothes next day whither to bring them; and accordingly he retrieved every thing he had lost, except a few letters, among which was that which I had written to him in the name of the apothe cary's wife. This and the others, which, it seems, were all on the subject of love (for this Hibernian hero was one of those people who are called fortune-hunters), fell into the hands of a certain female author, famous for the scandal she has published, who, after having embellished them with some ornaments of her own invention, gave them to the town in print. I was very much shock
ed on reflecting that I might possibly be the occasion of a whole family's unhappiness, on account of the letter I had written; but was eased of that apprehension, when I understood that the Chelsea apothecary had commenced a law-suit against the printer for defamation; and looked upon the whole as a piece of forgery committed by the author, who had disappeared. But whatever might be his opinion of the matter, our two ladies seemed to entertain a different idea of it; for, as soon as the pamphlet appeared, I could perceive their care of their patient considerably diminish, until at last it ended in total neglect. It was impossible for him to be ignorant of this change any more that of the occasion of it; but as he was conscious to himself of having deserved worse than contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so cheaply, and contented himself with muttering curses and threats against the apothecary, who, as he imagined, having got an inkling of the appointment with his wife, had taken revenge of him in the manner described. By the time he got a new scarf-skin, his character was become so notorious, that he thought it high time for him to decamp; and his retreat he performed in one night, without beat of drum, after having robbed his own servant of every thing that belonged to him, except the clothes he had on his back. A few days after he disappeared, Mr Lavement, for his own security, took into custody a large old trunk which he had left; and, as it was very heavy, made no question that the contents were sufficient to indemnify him for what O'Donnell owed in lodging. But a month being elapsed without hearing any tidings of this adventurer, and my master being impatient to know what the trunk contained, he ordered me to break it open in his presence, which task I performed with the pestle of our great mortar, and discovered, to his inexpressible astonishment and mortification, a heap of stones.
without emotion. I now began to look upon myself as a gentleman in reality-learned to dance of a Frenchman whom I had cured of a fashionable distemper-frequented plays during the holidays-became the oracle of an alehouse, where every dispute was referred to my decision-and at length contracted an acquaintance with a young lady, who found means to make a conquest of my heart, and upon whom I prevailed, after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise of marriage. As this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I blessed my good fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning all my wishes by matrimony, when one morning I went to her lodging, and her maid being abroad, took the privilege of a bridegroom to enter her chamber, where, to my utter confusion, I found her in bed with a man. Heaven gave me patience and presence of mind enough to withdraw immediately; and I thanked my stars a thousand times for the happy discovery, by which I resolved to profit so much as to abandon all thoughts of marriage for the future.
WHILE I enjoyed myself at large in this temper of mind, Mr Lavement let his first floor to my countryman and acquaintance, Squire Gawky, who, by this time, had got a lientenancy in the army, and such a martial About this time, my friend Strap informed ferocity in his appearance, that I was afraid me of an offer he had to go abroad with a he would remember what had happened begentleman, in quality of valet-de-chambre, tween us in Scotland, and atone for his and, at the same time assured me, that what- breach of appointment then, by his punctuever advantage he might propose to himself ality now; but, whether he had actually forgot from this prospect, he could not bear theme, or was willing to make me believe so, he thoughts of parting from me, so much was betrayed not the least symptom of recognition he attached to my fortune. In spite of all at sight of me, and I remained quite cured the obligations I owed to this poor honest fel- of my apprehension, though I had occasion, low, ingratitude is so natural to the heart of not long after, to be convinced, that howsoman, that I began to be tired of his acquaint-ever his externals might be altered, he was ance; and now that I had contracted other friendships which appeared more creditable, was even ashamed to see a journeyman barber inquiring after me with the familiarity of a companion. I therefore, on pretence of consulting his welfare, insisted upon his accepting the proposal, which he at last determined to embrace with great reluctance; and, in few days took his leave of me, shedding a flood of tears which I could not behold
at bottom the same individual Gawky whom I have already described; for, coming home late one night from the house of a patient, I heard a noise in the street, and, as I approached, I perceived two gentlemen in custody of three watchmen. The prisoners, who were miserably disfigured with dirt, complained bitterly of the loss of their hats and wigs; and one of them, whom, by his tongue, I knew to be a Scotchman, lamented