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fluster themselves with warmer liquors: thus all pretenders advance as fast as they can to a fever or à diabetes. I must repeat to you, that I do not look with an evil eye upon the profit of the idols or the diversions of the lovers; what I hope from this remonstrance, is only that we plain people may not be served as if we were idolaters; but that from the time of publishing this in your paper, the idols would mix ratsbane only for their admirers, and take more care of us who don't love them.
"I am, Sir, yours,
No. 88.] MONDAY, JUNE 11, 1711. Quid domini facient, audent cum talia fures?
VIRG. Ecl. iii. 16.
What will not masters do, when servants thus presume?
nothing but what a hundred before me have ascribed it to, the custom of giving board-wages. This one instance of false economy is sufficient to debauch the whole nation of servants, and makes them as it were but for some part of their time in that quality. They are either attending in places where they meet and run into clubs, or else, if they wait at taverns, they eat after their masters, and reserve their wages for other occasions. From hence it arises, that they are but in a lower degree what their masters themselves are; and usually affect an imitation of their manners: and you have in liveries, beaux, fops, and coxcombs, in as high perfection as among people that keep equipages. It is a common humour among the retinue of the people of quality, when they are in their revels-that is, when they are out of their masters' sight-to assume in a humorous way the names and titles of those whose liveries they "MR. SPECTATOR, May 30, 1711. wear. By which means, characters and distinctions "I have no small value for your endeavours to become so familiar to them, that it is to this, among lay before the world what may escape their observa-other causes, one may impute a certain insolence tion, and yet highly conduces to their service. You among our servants, that they take no notice of any have, I think, succeeded very well on many subjects; gentleman, though they know him ever so well, exand seem to have been conversant in very different cept he is an acquaintance of their master. scenes of life. But in the considerations of man- My obscurity and taciturnity leave me at liberty, kind, as a Spectator, you should not omit circum-without scandal, to dine, if I think fit, at a common stances which relate to the inferior part of the world, ordinary, in the meanest as well as the most sumpany more than those which concern the greater.tuous house of entertainment.-Falling in the other There is one thing in particular, which I wonder day at a victualling-house near the house of peers, you have not touched upon-and that is the general I heard the maid come down and tell the landlady corruption of manners in the Servants of Great Bri- at the bar, that my lord bishop swore he would throw tain. I am a man that have travelled and seen her out at window, if she did not bring up more many nations, but have for seven years last past re-mild beer, and that my lord duke would have a sided constantly in London or within twenty miles double mug of purl. My surprise was increased, in of it. In this time I have contracted a numerous hearing loud and rustic voices speak and answer to acquaintance among the best sort of people, and each other upon the public affairs, by the names of have hardly found one of them happy in their serv- the most illustrious of our nobility; till of a sudden ants. This is matter of great astonishment to one came running in, and cried the house was rising. foreigners, and all such as have visited foreign coun- Down came all the company together, and away! tries; especially since we cannot but observe, that The alehouse was immediately filled with clamour, there is no part of the world where servants have and scoring one mug to the marquis of such a place, those privileges and advantages as in England. oil and vinegar to such an earl, three quarts to my They have no where else such plentiful diet, large new lord for wetting his title, and so forth. It is a wages, or indulgent liberty. There is no place thing too notorious to mention the crowds of servwhere they labour less, and yet where they are so ants, and their insolence, near the courts of juslittle respectful, more wasteful, more negligent, or tice, and the stairs towards the supreme assembly, where they so frequently change their masters. To where there is a universal mockery of all order, such this I attribute, in a great measure, the frequent riotous clamour and licentious confusion, that one robberies and losses which we suffer on the high would think the whole nation lived in jest, and that road and in our own houses. That indeed which there were no such thing as rule and distinction gives me the present thought of this kind is, that a among us. careless groom of mine has spoiled me the prettiest pad in the world with only riding him ten miles; and I assure you, if I were to make a register of all the horses I have known thus abused by the negligence of servants, the number would mount a regiment. I wish you would give us your observations, that we may know how to treat these rogues, or that we masters may enter into measures to reform them. Pray give us a speculation in general about servants, and you make me, "Yours, "PHILO-BRITANNICUS. "P.S. Pray do not omit the mention of grooms in particular."
This honest gentleman, who is so desirous that I should write a satire upon grooms, has a great deal of reason for his resentment; and I know no evil which touches all mankind so much as this of the misbehaviour of servants.
The complaint of this letter runs wholly upon men-servants; and I can attribute the licentiousness which has at present prevailed among them, to
The next place of resort, wherein the servile world are let loose, is at the entrance of Hyde-park, while the gentry are at the ring. Hither people bring their lackeys out of state, and here it is that all they say at their tables, and act in their houses, is communicated to the whole town. There are men of wit in all conditions of life; and mixing with these people at their diversions, I have heard coquettes and prudes as well rallied, and insolence and pride exposed (allowing for their want of education) with as much humour and good sense, as in the politest companies. It is a general observation, that all dependants run in some measure into the manners and behaviour of those whom they serve. You shall frequently meet with lovers and men of intrigue among the lackeys as well as at White's or in the side-boxes. I remember some years ago an instance of this kind. A footman to a captain of the guards used frequently, when his master was out of the way, to carry on amours and make assignations in his master's clothes. The fellow had a
that I shall distinguish this sect of women by the title of Demurrers. I find by another letter from one who calls himself Thyrsis, that his mistress has been demurring above these seven years. But among fortunate Philander, a man of a constant passion and plentiful fortune, who sets forth that the timorous and irresolute Sylvia has demurred till she is past child-bearing. Strephon appears by his letter to be a very choleric lover, and is irrevocably smitten with one that demurs out of self-interest. He tells me with great passion that she has bubbled him out of his youth; that she drilled him to five and fifty, and that he verily believes she will drop him in his old age, if she can find her account in another. I shall conclude this narrative with a letter from honest Sam Hopewell, a very pleasant fellow, who it seems has at last married a Demurrer. I must only premise, that Sam, who is a very good bottle-companion, has been the diversion of his friends, upon account of his passion, ever since the year one thousand six hundred and eighty-one.
very good person, and there are very many women who think no farther than the outside of a gentleman: besides which, he was almost as learned a man as the colonel himself: I say, thus qualified, the fellow could serawl billets-doux so well, and fur-all my plaintiffs of this nature, I most pity the unnish a conversation on the common topies, that he had, as they call it, a great deal of business on his hands. It happened one day that, coming down a tavern stairs, in his master's fine guard-coat, with a well-dressed woman masked, he met the colonel coming up with other company; but with ready assurance he quitted his lady, came up to him, and said, "Sir, I know you have too much respect for yourself to cane me in this honourable habit. But you see there is a lady in the case, and on that score also you will put off your anger till I have told you all another time." After a little pause the colonel cleared up his countenance, and with an air of familiarity whispered his man apart, "Sirrah, bring the lady with you to ask pardon for you:" then aloud, "Look to it, Will, I'll never forgive you else." The fellow went back to his mistress, and telling her, with a loud voice and an oath, that was the honestest fellow in the world, conveyed her to a hackney-coach.
But the many irregularities committed by servants in the places above-mentioned, as well as in theatres, of which masters are generally the occasions, are too various not to need being resumed on another
No. 89.] TUESDAY, JUNE 12, 1711.
-Petite hinc, juvenesque senesque,
CORN. Unhappy he, who does this work adjourn,
His lazy morrow will be like to-day.
PERS. But is one day of ease too much to borrow?
And wilt be ever to begin thy task;
Who, like the hindmost chariot-wheels, are curst,
"You know very well my passion for Mrs. MarShe took tha, and what a dance she has led me. me out at the age of two-and-twenty, and dodged with me above thirty years. I have loved her till she is grown as gray as a cat, and am with much ado become the master of her person, such as it is, at present. She is however in my eye a very charming old woman. We often lament that we did not marry Isooner, but she has nobody to blame for it but herself. You know very well that she would never think of me whilst she had a tooth in her head. I have put the date of my passion (anno amoris trigesimo primo) instead of posy on my wedding-ring. I expect you should send me a congratulatory letter, if you please, an epithalamium upon this occasion. "Mrs. Martha's and yours eternally,
In order to banish an evil out of the world, that does not only produce a great uneasiness to private persons, but has also a very bad influence on the public, I shall endeavour to shew the folly of demurrage, from two or three reflections which I earnestly recommend to the thoughts of my fair readers.
First of all, I would have them seriously think on the shortness of their time. Life is not long enough for a coquette to play all her tricks in. A timorous woman drops into her grave before she is done deliberating. Were the age of man the same that it was before the flood, a lady might sacrifice half a century to a scruple, and be two or three ages in demurring. Had she nine hundred years good, she might hold out to the conversion of the Jews before she thought fit to be prevailed upon. But, alas! she ought to play her part in haste, when she considers that she is suddenly to quit the stage, and make room for others.
As my correspondents upon the subject of love are very numerous, it is my design, if possible, to range them under several heads, and address myself to them at different times. The first branch of them, to whose service I shall dedicate this paper, are those that have to do with women of dilatory tempers, who are for spinning out the time of courtship to an immoderate length, without being able either to close with their lovers or to dismiss them. I have many letters by me filled with complaints against this sort of women. In one of them no less a man than a In the second place, I would desire my female readbrother of the coift tells me, that he began his suit ers to censider that as the term of life is short, that vicesimo nono Caroli secundi, before he had been a of beauty is much shorter. The finest skin wrinkles twelvemonth at the Temple; that he prosecuted it in a few years, and loses the strength of its colouring for many years after he was called to the bar; that so soon, that we have scarce time to admire it. I at present he is a serjeant at law; and notwith-might embellish this subject with roses and rainbows, standing he hoped that matters would have been long and several other ingenious conceits, which I may since brought to an issue, the fair one still demurs. possibly reserve for another opportunity. -I am so well pleased with this gentleman's phrase,
In the Spect. in folio, and in the edit. of 1712, in 8vo,
this officer is styled both captain and colonel. tie. A serjeant at law.
There is a third consideration which I would likewise recommend to a demurrer-and that is, the great danger of her falling in love when she is about threescore, if she cannot satisfy her doubts and scruples
before that time. There is a kind of latter spring, that sometimes gets into the blood of an old woman, and turns her into a very odd sort of an animal. I would therefore have the Demurrer consider what a strange figure she will make, if she chances to get over all difficulties, and comes to a final resolution, in that unseasonable part of her life.
I would not however be understood, by any thing I have here said, to discourage that natural modesty in the sex, which renders a retreat from the first approaches of a lover both fashionable and graceful. All that I intend is, to advise them, when they are prompted by reason and inclination, to demur only out of form, and so far as decency requires. A virtuous woman should reject the first offer of marriage, as a good man does that of a bishoprick; but I would advise neither the one nor the other to persist in refusing what they secretly approve. I would in this particular propose the example of Eve to all her daughters, as Milton has represented her in the following passage, which I cannot forbear transcribing entire, though only the twelve last lines are to my
The rib he form'd and fashion'd with his hands;
She disappear'd, and left me dark; I wak'd
I, overjoyed, could not forbear aloud.
"This turn hath made amends: thou hast fulfill'd Thy words, Creator bounteous and benign! Giver of all things fair: but fairest this
Of all thy gifts, nor enviest. I now see
She heard me thus, and though divinely brought,
PARADISE LOST, viii. 469-511.
In all the rage of impotent desire, They feel a quenchless flame, a fruitless fire. THERE is not, in my opinion, a consideration more effectual to extinguish inordinate desires in the soul of man, than the notions of Plato and his followers upon that subject. They tell us, that every passion which has been contracted by the soul during her residence in the body remains with her in a separate state; and that the soul in the body, or out of the body, differs no more than the man does from himself when he is in his house, or in open air. When therefore the obscene passions in particular
have once taken root, and spread themselves in the soul, they cleave to her inseparably, and remain in her for ever, after the body is cast off and thrown aside. As an argument to confirm this their doctrine, they observe, that a lewd youth who goes on in a continued course of voluptuousness, advances by degrees into a libidinous old man; and that the passion survives in the mind when it is altogether dead in the body; nay, that the desire grows more violent, and (like all other habits) gathers strength by age, at the same time that it has no power of executing its own purposes. If, say they, the soul is the most subject to these passions at a time when it has the least instigations from the body, we may well suppose she will still retain them when she is entirely divested of it. The very substance of the soul is festered with them, the gangrene is gone too far to be ever cured; the inflammation will rage to all eternity.
In this therefore (say the Platonists) consists the punishment of a voluptuous man after death. He is tormented with desires which it is impossible for him to gratify; solicited by a passion that has neither objects nor organs adapted to it. He lives in a state of invincible desire and impotence, and always burns in the pursuit of what he always despairs to possess. It is for this reason (says Plato) that the souls of the dead appear frequently in cemeteries, and hover about the places where their bodies are buried, still hankering after their old brutal pleasures, and desiring again to enter the body that gave them an opportunity of fulfilling them.
Some of our most eminent divines have made use of this Platonic notion, so far as it regards the subsistence of our passions after death, with great beauty and strength of reason. Plato indeed earries the thought very far when he grafts upon it his opinion of ghosts appearing in places of burial. Though, I must confess, if one did believe that the departed souls of men and women wandered up and down these lower regions, and entertained themselves with the sight of their species, one could not devise a more proper hell for an impure spirit than that which Plato has touched upon.
The ancients seem to have drawn such a state of torments in the description of Tantalus, who was punished with the rage of an eternal thirst, and set up to the chin in water that fled from his lips whenever he attempted to drink it.
Virgil, who has cast the whole system of Platonic philosophy, so far as it relates to the soul of man, into beautiful allegories, in the sixth book of his Eneid gives us the punishment of a voluptuary after death, not unlike that which we are here speaking of:
-Lucent genialibus altis
Aurea fulcra toris, epulæque ante ora paratæ
They lie below on golden beds display'd, And genial feasts with regal pomp are made: The queen of furies by their side is set, And snatches from their mouths the untasted meat Which, if they touch, her hissing snakes she rears. Tossing her torch, and thundering in their ears—DRYDEN. That I may a little alleviate the severity of this my speculation (which otherwise may lose me several of my polite readers,) I shall translate a story that has been quoted upon another occasion by one of the most learned men of the present age, as I find it in the original. The reader will see it is not foreign to my present subject, and I dare say will
think it a lively representation of a person lying under the torments of such a kind of tantalism, or Platonic hell, as that which we have now under consideration. Monsieur Pontignan, speaking of a love-adventure that happened to him in the country, gives the following account of it.*
truly my bed-fellows left me about an hour before day, and told me, if I would be good and lie still, they would send somebody to take me up as soon as it was time for me to rise. Accordingly about nine o'clock in the morning an old woman came to unswathe me. I bore all this very patiently, being resolved to take my revenge on my tormentors, and to keep no measures with them as soon as I was at liberty; but upon asking my old woman what was become of the two ladies, she told me she believed they were by that time within sight of Paris, for that they went away in a coach and six before five o'clock in the morning."-L.
No. 91.1 THURSDAY, JUNE 14, 1711.
"When I was in the country last summer, I was often in company with a couple of charming women, who had all the wit and beauty one could desire in female companions, with a dash of coquetry, that from time to time gave me a great many agreeable torments. I was, after my way, in love with both of them, and had such frequent opportunities of pleading my passion to them when they were asunder, that I had reason to hope for particular favours from each of them. As I was walking one evening in my chamber with nothing about me but my nightgown, they both came into my room, and told me they had a very pleasant trick to put upon a gentle- They rush into the flame; For love is lord of ail, and is in all the same.-DRYDEN. man that was in the same house, provided I would bear a part in it. Upon this they told me such a THOUGH the subject I am now going upon would plausible story, that I laughed at their contrivance, be much more properly the foundation of a comedy, and agreed to do whatever they should require of I cannot forbear inserting the circumstances which me. They immediately began to swaddle me up in pleased me in the account a young lady gave me of my night-gown, with long pieces of linen, which the loves of a family in town, which shall be namethey folded about me till they had wrapped me in less; or rather, for the better sound and elevation of above a hundred yards of swath. My arms were the history, instead of Mr. and Mrs. Such-a-one, I shall pressed to my sides, and my legs closed together by call them by feigned names. Without farther preface so many wrappers one over another, that I looked you are to know that within the liberties of the city of like an Egyptian mummy. As I stood bolt-upright Westminster lives the lady Honoria, a widow about upon one end in this antique figure, one of the the age of forty, of a healthy constitution, gay temper, ladies burst out a-laughing. "And now, Pontig- and elegant person. She dresses a little too much nan," says she, "we intend to perform the promise like a girl, affects a childish fondness in the tone of that we find you have extorted from each of us. her voice, sometimes a pretty sullenness in the leanYou have often asked the favour of us, and I dare ing of her head, and now and then a downcast of say you are a better-bred cavalier than to refuse to her eyes on her fan. Neither her imagination nor go to bed to two ladies that desire it of you." After her health would ever give her to know that she is having stood a fit of laughter, I begged them to un- turned of twenty; but that in the midst of these case me, and do with me what they pleased. "No, pretty softnesses and airs of delicacy and attraction, no," said they, "we like you very well as you are;" she has a tall daughter within a fortnight of fifteen, and upon that ordered me to be carried to one of who impertinently comes into the room, and towers their houses, and put to bed in all my swaddles. so much towards woman, that her mother is always The room was lighted up on all sides: and I was checked by her presence, and every charm of Honolaid very decently between a pair of sheets, with my ria droops at the entrance of Flavia. The agreeable head (which was indeed the only part I could move) Flavia would be what she is not, as well as her upon a very high pillow: this was no sooner done, mother Honoria; but all their beholders are more but my two female friends came into bed to me in partial to an affectation of what a person is growing their finest night clothes. You may easily guess at up to, than of what has been already enjoyed, and the condition of a man that saw a couple of the most is gone for ever. It is therefore allowed to Flavia beautiful women in the world undressed and a-bed to look forward, but not to Honoria to look back. with him, without being able to stir hand or foot. Flavia is no way dependant on her mother with reI begged them to release me, and struggled all I lation to her fortune, for which reason they live could to get loose, which I did with so much vio-almost upon an equality in conversation; and as lence, that about midnight they both leaped out of the bed, crying out they were undone. But seeing me safe, they took their posts again, and renewed their raillery. Finding all my prayers and endeavours were lost, I composed myself as well as could, and told them that if they would not unbind me, I would fall asleep between them, and by that means disgrace them for ever. But, alas! this was impossible; could I have been disposed to it, they would have prevented me by several little ill-natured caresses and endearments which they bestowed upon me. As much devoted as I am to womankind, I would not pass such another night to be master of the whole sex. My reader will doubtless be curious to know what became of me the next morning. Why
Honoria has given Flavia to understand that it is ill-bred to be always calling mother, Flavia is as well pleased never to be called child. It happens by this means, that these ladies are generally rivals in all places where they appear; and the words mother and daughter never pass between them but out of spite. Flavia one night at a play observing Honoria draw the eyes of several in the pit, called to a lady who sat by her, and bid her ask her mother to lend her her snuff-box for one moment. Another time, when a lover of Honoria was on his knees beseeching the favour to kiss her hand, Flavia, rushing int the room, kneeled down by him and asked her bising. Several of these contradictory acts of aty have raised between them such a coldness, the they generally converse when they are in mixe company, by way of talking at one another, and not to one another. Honoria is ever complaining of a certain sufficiency in the young women of this age, who.
assume to themselves an authority of carrying all things before them, as if they were possessors of the esteem of mankind, and all who were but a year before them in the world were neglected or deceased. Flavia, upon such a provocation, is sure to observe, that there are people who can resign nothing, and know not how to give up what they know they cannot hold that there are those who will not allow youth their follies, not because they are themselves past them, but because they love to continue in them. These beauties rival each other on all occasions, not that they have always had the same lovers, but each has kept up a vanity to show the other the charms of her lover. Dick Crastin and Tom Tulip, among many others, have of late been pretenders in this family-Dick to Honoria, Tom to Flavia. Dick is the only surviving beau of the last age, and Tom almost the only one that keeps up that order of men in this.
I wish I could repeat the little circumstances of a Tulip's colour changed at the reading of this conversation of the four lovers with the spirit in epistle; for which reason his mistress snatched it to which the young lady I had my account from re-read the contents. While she was doing so, Tulip presented it at a visit where I had the honour to be went away; and the ladies now agreeing in a compresent; but it seems Dick Crastin, the admirer of mon calamity, bewailed together the danger of their Honoria, and Tom Tulip, the pretender to Flavia, lovers. They immediately undressed to go out, and were purposely admitted together by the ladies, that took hackneys to prevent mischief; but after alarmeach might show the other that her lover had the ing all parts of the town, Crastin was found by his superiority in the accomplishments of that sort of widow in his pumps at Hyde-park, which appointcreature whom the sillier part of women call a fine ment Tulip never kept, but made his escape into gentleman. As this age has a much more gross taste the country. Flavia tears her hair for his inglorious in courtship, as well as in every thing else, than the safety, curses and despises her charmer, and is fallen last had, these gentlemen are instances of it in their in love with Crastin; which is the first part of the different manner of application. Tulip is ever history of the rival mother. making allusions to the vigour of his person, the sinewy force of his make; while Crastin professes a wary observation of the turns of his mistress's mind. Tulip gives himself the airs of a resistless ravisher, Crastin practises those of a skilful lover. Poetry is the inseparable property of every man in love; and as men of wit write verses on those occasions, the rest of the world repeat the verses of others. These servants of the ladies were used to imitate their manner of conversation, and allude to one another, rather than interchange discourse in what they said when they met. Tulip the other day seized his mistress's hand, and repeated out of Ovid's Art of Love,
"Tis I can in soft battles pass the night,
No. 92.1 FRIDAY, JUNE 15, 1711.
-What would you have me do,
Hard task, to hit the palate of such guests.-POPE
"Your paper is a part of my tea equipage; and my servant knows my humour so well, that calling
Upon hearing this, Crastin, with an air of de-for my breakfast this morning (it being my usual ference, played with Honoria's fan, and repeated,
Sedley has that prevailing gentle art, That can with a resistless charm impart The loosest wishes to the chastest heart; Raise such a conflict, kindle such a fire, Between declining virtue and desire, Till the poor vanquish'd maid dissolves away In dreams all night, in sighs and tears all day. When Crastin had uttered these verses with a tenderness which at once spoke passion and respect, Honoria cast a triumphant glance at Flavia, as exulting in the elegance of Crastin's courtship, and upbraiding her with the homeliness of Tulip's. Tulip understood the reproach, and in return began to applaud the wisdom of old amorous gentlemen, who turned their mistress's imagination as far as possible from what they had long themselves forgot, and ended his discourse with a sly commendation of the doctrine of Platonic love; at the same time he ran over, with a laughing eye, Crastin's thin legs,
These verses on Sir Charles Sedley, are from Lord Rochester's Imitation of Horace, 1 Sat. x.
hour), she answered, the Spectator was not yet come in; but that the tea-kettle boiled, and she expected it every moment. Having thus in part signified to you the esteem and veneration which I have for you, I must put you in mind of the catalogue of books which you have promised to recommend to our sex; for 1 have deferred furnishing my closet with authors, till I receive your advice in this particular, being your daily disciple and humble servant,
In answer to my fair disciple, whom I am very proud of, I must acquaint her and the rest of my readers, that since I have called out for help in my catalogue of a lady's library, I have received many letters upon that head, some of which I shall give an account of.
In the first class I shall take notice of those which come to me from eminent booksellers, who every have printed, and consequently have an eye to their one of them mention with respect the authors they
own advantage more than to that of the ladies. One tells me, that he thinks it absolutely necessary for