The The wedding dinner passed off as most wedding dinners do,-Helvetius cating little, the bride less. customary toasts, "Health and happiness," "Mutual felicity," "Love and comfort," "New-married couple," "Mr. and Mrs. Helvetius," were duly honoured. At a proper and prudent period, Mr. Partlett thought it time to retire, as some of the gentlemen of the party were beginning to push their jokes a little too far. The glass coach which had conveyed them to church was at the door, in which was placed a trunk containing Mrs. Helvetius Partlett's immediate gear and paraphernalia; and a mysterious hamper of some size, which no one knew any thing about but good old Mr. Brookman; who was now rather flustered with his libations, but who was anxiously secing it tied fast behind the carriage. Mr. Brookman now took a most affectionate leave of his only daughter. Tears were plentifully shed on both sides. He was a widower, and Evelina his sole surviving child. If there is a moment during the later period of life wherein a parent must feel, and feel acutely, it is in intrusting a girl to the care of almost a stranger. In parting with a beloved daughter, no matter how excellent a personage the husband may be, it is a heart-rending moment for a father. As the coach was driven off, Mr. Brookman, wiping his eyes, called out in a faltering voice, "Don't forget the basket!" What the conversation in the carriage might have been between the newly-married couple during their journey to Vauxhall, it is impossible for any body but themselves to know; so I shall not attempt to describe it. But when the coach arrived at the cottage, Evelina's tears were quite dried up. On entering their cottage home, they had to endure the hearty congratulations of the dog Snob, who was overcome with wonder at what had become of his master all day. The next thing, pour passer le tems, was to unpack Mr. Brookman's mysterious basket; wherein they found a variety of articles each well worthy of a note of admiration! It was a present to start the young couple in house-keeping; in short, a portion of every sort of commodity in the Italian warehouse,-a york ham; a bath chop; a bologna sausage; macaroni, both pipe and riband; vermicelli; sago; almonds, and raisins; anchovies; wax candles; pickles; cayenne pepper; preserved ginger; harricot beans; noyeau; capers; dried salmon; tamarinds; rein-deer tongue; dates; coloured sealingwax; and lastly, I presume, by way of the hymeneal torch, a link! What a glorious thing to have such a father-in-law! * * Some hours had elapsed; the night was dark and overclouded; the rushlight, which had not been cleverly set up, fell, and was extinguished; the rain pattered against the bed-room windows, and the wind roared down the chimney; Mrs. Helvetius had fallen into a gentle slumber; and it was at the moment crossing the mind of her husband, as they were in utter darkness, that if any thing was to happen, the cottage was a long way from succour or relief, when he heard distinctly a shrill, grating sound, followed by a very heavy bang, down below: he listened, -his car had not deceived him; it was repeated-again—again. Mr. Helvetius Partlett was in a cold perspiration; he recollected the dialogue he overheard outside the palings. He knew that he himself had locked up the doors; but the words "unlucky premises" recurred to him. The banging continued louder, and still louder, which now startled and awaked Mrs. Partlett, who tremblingly inquired, “What, in the name of mercy, is the matter, Helvetius ?" But Helvetius could not define; and he thought he would make an attempt to get out of bed and discover; but the fearful noise increasing, Mrs. Partlett fairly clung to her husband, and began to scream. Helvetius was now in a sad dilemma between his own fears and the necessity of calming the apprehensions of his newly-married lady. At length, gently disengaging her arm from around his throat, he took an opportunity of slipping out of bed; but it being perfectly dark, and he unaccustomed to the chamber, he was a considerable time before he could find a door, and when he did, and thought he was going out on the landing, he only went with the bridge of his nose against the sharp edge of a shelf in a closet. By this discovery, he was enabled to make a calculation as to the situation of the room door, which he now unlocked, and opened. The banging increased tenfold; somebody certainly was breaking in: in fact, whoever it could be, was in. Considerably alarmed, Helvetius ventured to call "Snob! Snob!" This occasioned a rush with the dog's feet, and was followed by another heavy blow, and a most unearthly sound, as if they were endeavouring to smother the dog. Then Mrs. Partlett screamed again, and implored her husband to return to her,-for that she was swooning away. The dreadful noises continued; and poor Helvetius now, as a forlorn hope, groped about the room for a watchman's rattle, which he had purchased on the day when he first heard the ominous words about his cottage. Having, after some delay, found the rattle, he threw up the bed-room window, and with all his strength sprung the alarm; but in so doing got completely saturated to the skin with the pouring rain. And now the banging went down the whole flight of the kitchen stairs, striking forcibly every individual stair; then a gushing of water was heard, and then the dog uttered a fearful hollow yell! The whole affair can be better imagined than described. Daylight, after a time, began to gleam; but no assistance arrrived. As it grew lighter, Helvetius felt his courage revive. And putting on part of his habiliments, he armed himself with the bed-room poker, and in spite of the vain and tender remonstrances of Mrs. Partlett, he left that better half trembling in bed, and manfully descended the staircase. He stopped at the end of the first landing, the knocking and extraordinary noises were again violently repeated. Breathlessly he craned his neck over the handrail, when he saw, at one glance, the cause of all the frightful alarm,-the destruction of his peaceful weddingnight! He beheld His dog Snob, with his head thrust into the mouth of a large stone pitcher, which had been left on the landing-place with pump water. Snob had become thirsty in the night, and had inserted himself up to the neck and over the ears, to drink. A brass jagged collar which he wore, and which was fastened with a padlock, caught under the shoulder (if we may so call it) of the stone pitcher; and the poor dog's constant and violent efforts to extricate himself, concluding the tumble with a run of the jug, and animal down the kitchen stairs, proved the cause of this true history, which we have heard related with considerable humour from the lips of Mr. Helvetius Partlett himself. FREE AND EASY; OR, A RADICAL SYSTEM OF EDUCATION. A TRAIN of ill-luck, as well as a His system of dressing was flannel waistcoats next the skin in summer, and cotton waistcoats in winter; worsted stockings in July, and cotton stockings in January. We really We really forget why or wherefore, for he was much too learned for us when he got on the " transpiratory system." He disapproved of heavy hats, was an admirer of cotton gloves, insisted that Irish linen was too porous, and pre ferred cotton pocket-handkerchiefs to silk bandanas. He vowed that men shortened their lives by wearing Wellington boots, and prescribed thin shoes as cures for corns and bunions. His system of the dressing-room was yellow soap for the skin, cold water for shaving and setting a razor, and hair to be cut only twice a-year. Oftener, he contended, was contrary to nature. He said something about moulting and poulting; but we could only make out that birds and beasts never threw off their hair or feathers as man did his, but had a system of times and seasons. His system of morals and religion was of a less defined and more general character. We gleaned, however, from his conversation, that he rather disapproved of marriage; was horrorstruck at the indifference shewn to illegitimate bantlings; had confused notions of " meum and tuum;" and defended the principle of national bankruptcy, and the wiping off of the national debt. As to religion, his system amounted to this :-"That Paul was no better than Peter, and Peter no better than Paul;" or, in plain terms, that a Mahometan was as good as a Pagan, and a Pagan as a Jew, and a Jew as a Christian; provided always that Christian, Jew, Mahometan, and Pagan, were sincere. His system of politics was not wholly unlike that of the late Jeremy Bentham; and he was very great" on the origin of property, and on the advantages which must result from a general scramble. But his " SYSTEM OF EDUCATION" was far more amusing than any or all of these, and excited to the highest pitch our admiration and enthusiasm. He confessed, however, with tears in his eyes, that to a celebrated pedagogue-one of the proprietors of a not less celebrated castle at Tottenham, in the county of Middlesex-he was indebted for the "system of education" he had preferred and adopted; and in confirmation of the truth of which statement he placed in our hands when we left him at the Paddington terminus, a certain book or pamphlet lately published, containing sixty-seven octavo pages, neatly "Bruce Castle!" we repeated to ourselves some half-dozen times, after having read the title-page; "surely we have heard of this place before!" And in good sooth we had; for a few autumns since, when passing from Hornsey and the Green Lanes into Essex, on an afternoon ride, we stumbled, towards sunset, on my Lord Brougham, Joseph Hume the Ex, and certain other promoters of unscriptural education, who were proceeding by the special desire of this identical gentleman, the father of the notorious Matthew Davenport Hill, once member for Hull, to inspect Bruce Castle, taste the New River water, and then give their opinions on the moral and intellectual system of the school aforesaid over a dozen of port, and some partridges and pudding. To Joseph Hume the castle had great attractions; for it had been divided, in imagination, into six imaginary parts; and each imaginary part entitled a young hillock and an old Hill to vote as free and independent electors of the county of Middlesex for the since rejected of Leeds. Such votes as these were called "fagot votes" some years ago; but they are now styled "WhigRadical votes;" for without their aid VOL. XXIV, NO, CXLIII, the Whig-Radicals would not have had one hundred members in the present House of Commons. But to return to the pamphlet. We are very fond, when we have an hour to spare, of looking over the lists and descriptions of new patents. One man takes out a new patent for a picklock, and another for a lock which cannot be picked. One lady takes out a patent for a thimble which never wears out; which adds force and impetus to the needle; and which is at once graceful, commodious, and harmless. Another lady takes out her patent for a foreign guard and needle propeller, which renders all thimbles unnecessary; and teaches needles to sew, hem, gather, and pucker too, of their own accord. But of all the patents of which we have heard for many years, none can exceed the patent for free and easy education, the specification of which may be analysed as follows: Myself and my five resident teachers take a boy (one of my resident teachers being a Frenchman); and we so turn him about, twist him, address ourselves to him, appeal to him, speak to his naturally religious principles, reasoning powers, and good feelings, that we make him a merchant, farmer, scholar, gentleman, soldier, sailor, or any thing else, just as we please, without the aid either of birch-rods, hand-canes, short commons, dunce-caps, or animal magnetism. One of the plans of our patent system is to dispense with all prizes and rewards, and to treat boys as if they were reasonable beings, and not as they really are, brutes. Another of our plans is to consult the boys as to what they like best, and to adapt our system to their tastes. Those who prefer spouting and speechifying to reading and study, we allow to practise their oratorical powers in a secluded part of our park of twenty acres of land, where the bold and majestic New River' flows over a deep sandy bed, and then falls over masses of solid rock,-dashing, whirling, and whelming all below into an abyss of fourteen inches deep. Those who prefer the science of cookery, we allow to superintend our gastronomic arrangements in conjunction with one of our professors, who is a French cook; and cause them to learn the six cardinal rules of roasting, basting, boiling, frying, broiling, and skinning. Those who have a taste for the chimney line, we employ not only in sweeping our own chimneys, but also in cleaning our coppers, sifting cinders, making up fires, arranging the coal-hole, and all other 4 “ pursuits having a direct or indirect connexion with the charbon, or coal and soot trade. Those who are to occupy by choice their future years in the butchery line, whether in general or only in porkbutchery, have the privilege of attending at the slaughter-houses of the butchers of Bruce Castle, and of witnessing all their cochonnerie. Those who prefer being farmers, either gentlemen-farmers or otherwise, we instruct in our park and model farm, consisting of the vast territory of twenty acres,-in potatoe-sowing, grass - growing, guinea-pig and rabbit cultivation and productiveness, cow-milking (for we keep two cows at Bruce Castle), hen-roosting and egg-laying, both by steam, and according also to the old principles before steam was introduced (for we keep five hens and a cock at Bruce Castle); and, finally, pig-stying, shewing by the example of our Bruce Castle pigs how it is possible to prevent a pig-sty from becoming nas-ty. Those who like to become lawyers, we instruct in the art of deed-making; or how to squeeze five votes out of one messuage, as well as in all other matters connected with that most chicaning and wonderful profession of making the worse appear the better argument. Those who fancy they should like to kill their fellowcreatures as doctors, we permit to commence their experiments on flies, caterpillars, mice, cats, and dogs; and thus teach them the true Whig principle, that man in all things is made to govern, and never to obey. Those who think that the life of a gentleman, or of a man of indolence, is most in harmony with their tastes and prospects, are instructed in all the necessary science of how to kill time, and are suffered-nay, encouraged to yawn, sleep, stare, gape, smoke, quarrel, fight, shoot cock-sparrows, hunt for birds'-nests, and upset apple-carts, old women, and young maidens. Young cutlers are allowed to blunt knives, and then sharpen them. Young carpenters, to play with edged tools, and cut their fingers off. Young masons, to whitewash the play-ground walls, pave the forecourt, and then unpave it. Young bricklayers are instructed by little bricks how to build houses without foundations. Young booksellers how to know the titles, but nothing more than the titles of books. Young surveyors how to measure a park of twenty acres, with string and compasses. Young horsedealers are allowed to study horse-flesh, cow-flesh, and ass-flesh in our stables, where are our two carriage-horses, the cart-horse who goes every day to Spital. fields Market, and two donkeys kept for our invalid scholars, and for races in September. Young coach-builders and wheel wrights have the advantage of an old carriage and a new one, two old carts, a donkey-chaise, and several wheels with and without spokes, to look at, consider, investigate, and improve. And, finally, young coffee-house, cook-shop, and pub. lichouse-keepers, have the run of the kitchen' and of the cellar, in which they may make all the necessary experi ments of reducing by means of pure water the standard or strength of alcoholic drinks. Thus with the assistance of our five resident teachers, we enable a young man immediately on leaving us to enter Stinkomalee, or proceed to the universities, commerce and agriculture, and trades of all sorts; and, finally, by courses of pop. guns, boys' cannons, and the sailing of children's boats on the New River, we supply the army and the navy with the brightest ornaments, not only of this, but of all future generations." With such a specification before us, we were of course anxious to read what has been industriously announced and advertised as a "concise view of the plans in use," and which are more fully developed in a work entitled Public Education. We did not dare to procure the "work," since the concise view ran sixty-seven pages; and the work, no doubt, somewhere about 670. Still we al most regret that the larger work does not stand beside our Joe Miller, Hudibras, Jack the Giant Killer, and Tom Thumb, though we fear Messrs. Baldwin and Cradock were not good enough to print a duodecimo edition, and all our other jest-books are of that size. We are aware that the authors of the "concise view" were by no means in jest when they published that book, and if these hurried lines should by chance meet their eyes, will exclaim "Pro superi! quantum mortalia pectora |