did not disquiet me half so much, as that the Amy was so provoked, that she told me, in short, she began to think it would be absolutely necessary to murder her. That expression filled me with horror, all my blood ran chill in my veins, and a fit of trembling seized me, that I could not speak a good while; at last, "What, is the devil in you, Amy?" said I. "Nay, nay," says she, "let it be the devil or not the devil, if I thought she knew one tittle of your history, I would dispatch her if she were my own daughter a thousand times."-" And 1," says I in a rage, "as well as I love you, would be the first that should put the halter about your neck, and see you hanged with more satisfaction than ever I saw you in my life; nay," says I, "you would not live to be hanged, I believe I should cut your throat with my own hand; I am ready to do it," said 1, "as 'tis, for your but naming the thing;" with that, I called her cursed devil, and bid her get out of the room. I think it was the first time that ever I was angry with Amy in all my life; and when all was done, though she was a devilish jade in having such a thought, yet it was all of it the effect of her excess of affection and fidelity to me. But this thing gave me a terrible shock, for it happened just after I was married, and served to hasten my going over to Holland; for I would not have been seen, so as to be known by the name of Roxana, no, not for ten thousand pounds; it would have been enough to have ruined me to all intents and purposes with my husband, and everybody else too; I might as well have been the German princess. Well, I set Amy to work; and give Amy her due, she set all her wits to work, to find out which way this girl had her knowledge, but, more particularly, how much knowledge she had, that is to say, what she really knew, and what she did not know, for this was the main thing with me; how she should say she knew who Madam Roxana was, and what notions she had of that affair was very mysterious to me, for it was certain she could not have a right notion of me, because she would have it be that Amy was her mother. I scolded heartily at Amy for letting the girl ever know her, that is to say, know her in this affair; for that she knew her could not be hid, because she, as I might say, served Amy, or rather under Amy, in my family, as is said before; but she (Amy) talked with her at first by another person, and not by herself; and that secret came out by an accident, as I have said above. Amy was concerned at it as well as I, but could not help it; and though it gave us great uneasiness, yet, as there was no remedy, we were bound to make as little noise of it as we could, that it might go no further. I bid Amy punish the girl for it, and she did so, for she parted with her in a huff, and told her she should see she was not her mother, for that she could leave her just where she found her; and seeing she could not be content to be served with the kindness of a friend, but that she would needs make a mother of her, she would, for the future, be neither mother nor friend; and so bid her go to service again, and be a drudge, as she was before. The poor girl cried most lamentably, but would not be beaten out of it still; but that which dumb-foundered Amy more than all the rest, was, that when she had rattled the poor girl a long time, and could not beat her out of it, and had, as I have observed, threatened to leave her, the girl kept to what she had said before, and put this turn to it again, that she was sure, if Amy was not, my Lady Roxana was her mother, and that she would go find her out; adding, that she made no doubt but that she could do it, for she knew where to inquire the name of her new husband. Amy came home with this piece of news in her mouth to me. I could easily perceive when she came in that she was mad in her mind, and in a rage at something or other, and was in great pain to get it out; for when she came first in my husband was in the room. However, Amy going up to undress her, I soon made an excuse to follow her, and coming into the room, "What the d-l is the matter, Amy ?" says I; "I am sure you have some bad news."-"News," says Amy, aloud, "ay, so I have; I think the d-l is in that young wench, she will ruin us all and herself too, there is no quieting her." So she went on and told me all the particulars; but sure nothing was so astonished as I was when she told me that the girl knew I was married, that she knew my husband's name, and would endeavour to find me out. I thought I should have sunk down at the very words. In the middle of all my amazement Amy starts up and runs about the room like a distracted body, "I'll put an end to it, that 1 will, I cannot bear it, I must murder her, I'll kill the b," and swears by her Maker, in the most serious tone in the world, and then repeated || it over three or four times, walking to and again in the room; "I will, in short, I will kill her if there was not another wench in the world." "Prithee hold thy tongue, Amy," says I, why, thou art mad."" Ay, so I am," says she, "stark mad; but I'll be the death of her for all that, and then I shall be sober again."-" But you shan't," says I; "you shan't hurt a hair of her head; why, you ought to be hanged for what you have done already, for having resolved on it is doing it; as to the guilt of the fact, you are a murderer already, as much as if you had done it already." "I know that," says Amy, "and it can be no worse; I'll put you out of your pain, and her too, she shall never challenge you for her mother in this world, whatever she may in the next." "Well, well," says I, “be quiet, and do not talk thus, I can't bear it." So she grew a little soberer after a while. I must acknowledge the notion of being discovered carried with it so many frightful ideas, and || hurried my thoughts so much, that I was scarce myself more than Amy, so dreadful a thing is a load of guilt upon the mind. And yet when Amy began the second time to talk thus abominably of killing the poor child, of murdering her, and swore by her Maker that she would, so that I began to see that she was in earnest, I was further terrified a great deal, and it helped to bring me to myself again in other cases. We laid our heads together then to see if it was possible to discover by what means she had learned to talk so, and how she (I mean my girl) came to know that her mother had married a husband; but it would not do, the girl would acknowledge nothing, and gave but a very imperfect account of things still, being disgusted to the last degree with Amy's leaving her so abruptly as she did. Well, Amy went to the house where the boy was, but it was all alone; there they had only heard a confused story of the Lady somebody, they knew not who, which this same wench had told them, but they gave no heed to it at all. Amy told them how foolishly the girl had acted, and how she had carried on the whimsy so far, in spite of all they could say to her; that she had taken it so ill, she would see her no more, and so she might even go to service again if she would, for she (Amy) would have nothing to do with her unless she humbled herself and changed her note, and that quickly too. The good old gentleman, who had been the benefactor to them all, was greatly concerned at it, and the good woman his wife was grieved beyond all expression, and begged her ladyship (meaning Amy) not to resent it; they promised too they would talk with her about it, and the old gentlewoman added, with some astonishment, "Sure she cannot be such a fool but she will be prevailed with to hold her tongue, when she has it from your own mouth that you are not her mother, and sees that it disobliges your ladyship to have her insist upon it." And so Amy came away with some expectation that it would be stopped here. But the girl was such a fool for all that, and persisted in it obstinately, notwithstanding all they could say to her; nay, her sister begged and intreated her not to play the fool, for that it would ruin her too, and that the lady (meaning || Amy) would abandon them both. Well, notwithstanding this, she insisted, I say, upon it, and which was worse, the longer it lasted the more she began to drop Amy's ladyship, and would have it that the Lady Roxana was her mother, and that she had made some inquiries about it, and did not doubt but she should find her out. When it was come to this, and we found there was nothing to be done with the girl, but that she was so obstinately bent upon the search after me, that she ventured to forfeit al she had in view; I say, when I found it was come to this, I began to be more serious in my preparations of going beyond sea, and, particularly, it gave me some reason to fear that there was something in it; but the following accident put me beside all my measures, and struck me into the greatest confusion that ever I was in in my life. I was so near going abroad that my spouse and I had taken measures for our going off; and because I would be sure not to go too public, but so as to take away all possibility of being seen, I had made some exception to my spouse against going in the ordinary passage-boats. My pretence to him was the promiscuous crowds in those vessels, want of convenience, and the like; so he took the hint and found me out an English merchant ship, which was bound for Rotterdam, and getting soon acquainted with the master, he hired his whole ship, that is to say, his great cabin, for I do not mean his ship for freight; so that we had all the conveniences possible for our passage, and all things being nearly ready, he brought home the captain one day to dinner with him, that I might see him, and be acquainted a little with him; so we came, after dinner, to talk of the ship and the conveniences on board, and the captain pressed me earnestly to come on board and see the ship, intimating that he would treat us as well as he could; and in discourse I happened to say, I hoped he had no other passengers; he said, no he had not; but, he said, his wife had courted him a good while to let her go over to Holland with him, for he always used that trade, but he never could think of venturing all be had in one bottom; but if I went with him be thought to take her and her kinswoman along with him this voyage, that they might both wait upon me; and so added, that if he would do hima the honour to dine on board the next day, he would bring his wife on board, the better to make us welcome. Who could have believed the devil had any snare at the bottom of all this? or that I was in any danger on such an occasion, so remote and out of the way as this was? But the event was the oddest that could be thought of. As it happened, Amy was not at home when we accepted this invitation, and so she was left out of the company; but instead of Amy, we took our honest, good-humoured, never-to-be-omitted friend the Quaker, one of the best creatures that ever lived, sure; and who, besides a thousand good qualities unmixed with one bad one, was particularly excellent for being the best company in the world; though I think I had carried Amy too, if she had not been engaged in this unhappy girl's affair; for on a sudden the girl was lost, and no news was to be heard of her, and Amy had hunted her to every place she could think of, that it was likely to find her in, but all the news she could hear of her was, that she was gone to an old comrade's house of hers, whom she called sister, and who was married to a master of a ship at Redriff, and even this the jade never told me. It seems when this girl was directed by Amy to get her some breeding, go to the boarding school, and the like, she was recommended to a boarding-school at Camberwell, and there she contracted an acquaintance with a young lady (so they are all called) her bedfellow, that they called sisters, and promised never to break off their acquaint ance. million of tears, and a heart almost dead with grief, when Amy and the good woman took them all away, and went with them to Spitalfields. No pen can describe, no words can express, I say, the strange impression which this thing made upon my spirits, I felt something shoot through my blood; my heart fluttered, my head flashed, and was dizzy, and all within me, as I thought, turned about, and much ado I had not to abandon my. self to an excess of passion at the first sight of her, much more when my lips touched her face; I thought I must have taken her in my arms, and kissed her again a thousand times, whether I would or no. But I roused up my judgment, and shook it off, and with infinite uneasiness in my mind I sat down. You will not wonder, if upon this surprise I was not conversible for some minutes, But judge you what an unaccountable surprise and that the disorder had almost discovered itI must be in when I came on board the ship and self. I had a complication of severe things upon was brought into the captain's cabin, or what || me, I could not conceal my disorder without the they call it, the great cabin of the ship, to see utmost difficulty, and yet upon my concealing it his lady or wife, and another young person with || depended the whole of my prosperity, so I used her, who, when I came to see her near hand, was all manner of violence with myself to prevent the my old cook maid in the Pall-mall, and, as ap- mischief which was at the door. peared by the sequel of the story, was neither more nor less than my own daughter; that I knew her was out of doubt; for though she had not had opportunity to see me very often, yet I had often seen her, as I must needs, being in my own family so long. Well, I saluted her, but as I went first forward to the captain's lady, who was at the farther end of the cabin, towards the light, I had the occasion offered to stand with my back to the light, when I turned about to her, who stood more on my left hand, so that she had not a fair sight of If ever I had need of courage, and a full pre-me, though I was so near her. I trembled, and sence of mind, it was now; it was the only valuable secret in the world to me, all depended || upon this occasion; if the girl knew me, I was undone; and to discover any surprise or disorder had been to make her know me, or guess it, and discover herself. knew neither what I did or said, I was in the utmost extremity, between so many particular circumstances as lay upon me, for I was to conceal my disorder from everybody at the utmost peril, and at the same time expected everybody would discern it; I was to expect she would discover that she I was once going to feign a swooning and knew me, and yet was, by all means possible, to fainting away, and so falling on the ground, or prevent it. I was to conceal myself, if possible, floor, put them all into a hurry and fright, and by and yet had not the least room to do anything that means get an opportunity to be continually towards it; in short, there was no retreat, no holding something to my nose to smell to, and so shifting anything off, no avoiding or preventing hold my hand or my handkerchief, or both, be- her having a full sight of me, nor was there any fore my mouth; then pretended I could not bear counterfeiting my voice, for then my husband the smell of the ship, or the closeness of the would have perceived it; in short, there was not cabin; but that would have been only to remove the least circumstance that offered me any asinto a clearer air upon the quarter-deck, wheresistance, or any favourable thing to help me in we should with it have had a clearer light too; this exigence. and if I had pretended the smell of the ship, it would have served only to have carried us all on shore to the captain's house, which was hard by; for the ship lay so close to the shore, that we only walked over a plank to go on board, and over another ship which lay within her; so this not appearing very feasible, and the thought not being two minutes old, there was no time, for the two ladies rose up, and we saluted, so that I was bound to come so near my girl as to kiss her, which I would not have done had it been possible to have avoided it, but there was no room to escape. After I had been upon the rack for near half an hour, during which I appeared stiff and reserved, and a little too formal, my spouse and the captain fell into discourse about the ship and the sea, and business remote from us women; and by-and-by the captain carried him out upon the quarter-deck, and left us all by ourselves in the great cabin. Then we began to be a little freer one with another, and I began to be a little revived by a sudden fancy of my own, namely, I thought I perceived that the girl did not know me; and the chief reason of my having such a notion was, because I did not perceive the least I cannot but take notice here, that notwith-disorder in her countenance, or the least change standing there was a secret horror upon my mind, and I was ready to sink when I came close to her to salute her, yet it was a secret, inconceivable pleasure to me when I kissed her to know that I kissed my own child, my own flesh and blood, born of my body, and who I had never kissed since I took the fatal farewell of them all, with a in her carriage, no confusion, no hesitation in her discourse; nor, which I had my eye particularly upon, did I observe that she fixed her eyes much upon me, that is to say, not singling me out to look steadily at me, as I thought would have been the case, but that she rather singled out my friend the Quaker, and chatted with her on several things; but I observed too, that it was all about || indifferent matters. 66 This greatly encouraged me, and I began to be a little cheerful; but I was knocked down again as with a thunderclap, when turning to the captain's wife, and discoursing of me, she said to her, Sister, I cannot but think (my lady) to be very much like such a person," then she named the person; and the captain's wife said she thought so too; the girl replied again, she was sure she had seen me before, but she could not recollect where; I answered (though her speech was not directed to me) that I fancied she had not seen me before in England," but asked if she had lived in Holland; she said, "No, no, she had never been out of England; and I added, that she could not then have known me in England, unless it was very lately, for I had lived at Rotterdam a great while. This carried me out of that part of the broil pretty well; and to make it go off the better, when a little Dutch boy came into the cabin, who belonged to the captain, and who I easily perceived to be Dutch, I jested, and talked Dutch to him, and was merry about the boy, that is to say, as merry as the consternation I was still in would let me be. However I began to be thoroughly convinced by this time that the girl did not know me, which was an infinite satisfaction to me; or at least, that though she had some notion of me, yet that she did not think anything about my being who I was, and which, perhaps, she would have been as glad to have known as I would have been surprised if she had; indeed, it was evident that, had she suspected anything of the truth, she would not have been able to have concealed it. Thus this meeting went off, and, you may be sure, I was resolved, if once I got off of it, she should never see me again, to revive her fancy; but I was mistaken there too, as you shall hear. After we had been on board, the captain's lady carried us home to her house, which was but just on shore, and treated us there again very handsomely, and made us promise that we would come again and see her before we went, to concert our affairs for the voyage, and the like; for she assured us that both she and her sister went the voyage at that time for our company; and I thought to myself, then you'll never go the voyage at all, for I saw from that moment, that it would be no way convenient for my ladyship to go with them; for that frequent conversation might bring me to her mind, and she would certainly claim her kindred to me in a few days, as indeed would have been the case. It is hardly possible for me to conceive what would have been our part in this affair had my woman Amy gone with me on board this ship, it had certainly blown up the whole affair, and I must for ever after have been this girl's vassal, that is to say, have let her into the secret, and trusted to her keeping it too, or have been exposed and undone. The very thought filled me with horror. But I was not so unhappy neither, as it fell out, for Amy was not with us, and that was my deliverance indeed; yet we had another chance to get over still. As I resolved to put off the voyage, so I resolved to put off the visit, you may be sure; going upon this principle, namely, that I was fixed in it, that the girl had seen her last of me, and should never see me more. However, to bring myself well off, and withal to see (if I could) a little farther into the matter, I sent my friend the Quaker to the captain's lady, to make the visit promised, and to make my excuse that I could not possibly wait on her, for that I was very much out of order; and in the end of the discourse I bade her insinuate to them that she was afraid I should not be able to get ready to go the voyage so soon as the captain would be obliged to go, and that perhaps we might put it off to his next voyage. I did not let the Quaker into any other reason of it than that I was indisposed; and not knowing what other face to put upon that part, I made her believe that I thought I was a breeding. It was easy to put that into her head, and she of course hinted to the captain's lady, that she found me so very ill that she was afraid I would miscarry, and then, to be sure, I could not think of going. She went, and she managed that part very dexterously, as I knew she would, though she knew not a word of the grand reason of my indisposition; but I was all sunk, and dead-hearted again, when she told me she could not understand the meaning of one thing in her visit, namely, that the young woman, as she called her, that was with the captain's lady, and who she called sister, was most impertinently inquisitive into things; as who I was? how long I had been in England? where I had lived? and the like; and that, above all the rest, she inquired if I did not live once at the other end of the town. "I thought her inquiries so out of the way," says the honest Quaker, "that I gave her not the least satisfaction; but as I saw by thy answers on board the ship, when she talked of thee, that thou did'st not incline to let her be ac- ' quainted with thee, so I was resolved that she should not be much the wiser for me; and when she asked me if thou ever lived'st here or there, I always said, No; but that thou wast a Dutch lady, and was going home again to thy family, and lived abroad. I thanked her very heartily for that part, and indeed she served me in it more than I let her know she did; in a word, she thwarted the girl so cleverly, that if she had known the whole affair she could not have done it better. But I must acknowledge all this put me upon the rack again, and I was quite discouraged, not at all doubting but that the jade had a right scent of things, and that she knew and remembered my face, but had artfully concealed her knowledge of me till she might perhaps do it more to my disadvantage. I told all this to Amy, for she was all the relief I had. The poor soal (Amy) was ready to hang herself, that, as she said, she had been the occasion of it all; and that if I was ruined (which was the word I always used to her), she had ruined me; and she tormented herself about it so much, that I was sometimes fain to comfort her and myself too. What Amy vexed herself at was chiefly, that she should be surprised so by the girl, as she called her, I mean surprised into a discovery of herself to the girl; which indeed was a false step was, of Amy's, and so I had often told her, but it was to no purpose to talk of that now, the business how to get clear of the girl's suspicions, and of the girl too, for it looked more threatening every day than the other; and if I was uneasy at what Amy had told me of her rambling and rattling to her (Amy), I had a thousand times as much reason to be uneasy now when she had chopped upon me so unhappily as this; and not only had seen my face, but knew too where I lived, what name I went by, and the like. And I am not come to the worst of it yet neither, for a few days after my friend the Quaker had made her a visit, and excused me on the account of my indisposition, as if they had done it in over and above kindness, because they had been told I was not well, they come both directly to my lodgings to visit me; the captain's wife and my daughter (who she called sister), and the captain, to show them the place; the captain only brought them to the door, put them in, and went away upon some business. Had not the kind Quaker, in a lucky moment, come running in before them, they had not only clapped in upon me, in the parlour, as it had been a surprise, but which would have been a thousand times worse, had seen Amy with me; I think if that had happened, I had had no remedy but to take the girl by herself, and have made myself known to her, which would have been all distraction. But the Quaker, a lucky creature to me, happened to see them come to the door, before they rung the bell, and instead of going to let them in, came running in, with some confusion in her countenance, and told me who was a coming; at which, Amy run first and I after her, and bid the Quaker come up as soon as she had let them in. I was going to bid her deny me, but it came into my thoughts, that having been represented so much out of order it would have looked very | odd; besides I knew the honest Quaker, though she would do anything else for me, would not lie for me, and it would have been hard to have desired it of her. After she had let them in, and brought them into the parlour, she came up to Amy and I, who were hardly out of the fright, and yet were congratulating one another, that Amy was not surprised again. They paid their visit in form, and I received them as formally, but took occasion two or three times to hint that I was so ill that I was afraid I should not be able to go to Holland, at least not so soon as the captain must go off; and made my compliment how sorry I was to be disappointed of the advantage of their company and assistance in the voyage; and sometimes I talked as if I thought I might stay till the captain returned, and would be ready to go again; then the Quaker put in, that then I might be too far gone, meaning with child, that I should not venture at all; and then (as if she should be pleased with it) added, she hoped I would stay and lie in at her house; so as this carried its own face with it, it was well enough. But it was now high time to talk of this to my husband, which, however, was not the greatest difficulty before me; for after this and other chat had taken up some time, the young fool began her tattle again; and two or three times she brought it in, that I was so like a lady that she had the honour to know at the other end of the town, that she could not put the lady out of her mind when I was by, and once or twice I fancied the girl was ready to cry; by and by she was at it again, and at last I plainly saw tears in her eyes; upon which I asked her if the lady was dead, because she seemed to be in some concern for her? She made me much easier by her answer than ever she did before: she said, she did not really know, but she believed she was dead. This, I say, a little relieved my thoughts, but I was soon down again; for, after some time, the jade began to grow talkative; and as it was plain that she had told all that her head could retain of Roxana, and the days of joy which I had spent at that part of the town, another accident had like to have blown us all up again. I was in a kind of dishabille when they came, having on a loose robe, like a morning gown, but much after the Italian way; and I had not altered it when I went up, only dressed my head a little ; and as I had been represented as having been lately very ill, so the dress was becoming enough for a chamber. This morning vest or robe, call it as you please, was more shaped to the body than we wear them since, showing the body in its true shape, and perhaps a little too plainly if it had been to be worn where any men were to come; but among ourselves it was well enough, especially for hot weather; the colour was green, figured, and the stuff a French damask, very rich. This gown or vest put the girl's tongue a running again, and her sister, as she called her, prompted it; for as they both admired my vest, and were taken up much about the beauty of the dress, the charming damask, the noble trimming, and the like, my girl puts in a word to the sister (captain's wife), This is just such a thing as I told you," says she, "the lady danced in."What," says the captain's wife, "the Lady Roxana that you told me of? O! that's a charming story," says she, "tell it my lady." I could not avoid saying so too, though from my soul I wished her in heaven for but naming it, nay, I will not say but if she had been carried the other way it had been much as one to me, if I could but have been rid of her, and her story too, for when she came to describe the Turkish dress, it was impossible but the Quaker, who was a sharp, penetrating creature, should receive the impression in a more dangerous manner than the girl, only that indeed she was not so dangerous a person; for if she had known it all, I could more freely have trusted her than I could the girl, by a great deal, nay, I should have been perfectly easy in her. However, as I have said, her talk made me dreadfully uneasy, and the more when the captain's wife mentioned but the name of Roxana. What my face might do towards betraying me I know not, because I could not see myself, but my heart beat as if it would have jumped out of my mouth, and my passion was so great that, for want of vent, I thought I should have burst. In a word I was in a kind of silent rage, for the force I was under of restraining my passion was such as I never felt the like of. I had no vent, nobody to open myself to, or to make a compliment |