that he, for his own part, had always had regard to able one. Lætitia, confident of favor, has stu his own conscience, as well as other people's merit; no arts to please; Daphne, despairing of any i and that he did not know but that you might be a nation toward her person, has depended onl handsome fellow; for, as for your own certificate, her merit. Lætitia has always something in it was everybody's business to speak for themselves.' air that is sullen, grave, and disconsolate. Day Mr. President immediately retorted, A handsome has a countenance that is cheerful, open, and fellow! why he is a wit, Sir, and you know the pro- concerned. A young gentleman saw Lætitia verb :' and to ease the old gentleman of his scru- winter at a play, and became her captive. ples cried, 'That for matter of merit it was all one, fortune was such, that he wanted very little in you might wear a mask.' This threw him into a duction to speak his sentiments to her father. pause, and he looked desirous of three days to lover was admitted with the utmost freedom consider on it; but Mr. President improved the the family, where a constrained behavior, se thought, and followed him up with an old story, looks, and distant civilities, were the highes That wits were privileged to wear what masks vors he could obtain of Lætitia; while Day they pleased in all ages; and that a wizard had used him with the good humor, familiarity, been the constant crown of their labors, which innocence of a sister: insomuch that he w was generally presented them by the hand of often say to her, "Dear Daphne, wert thou bu some satyr, and sometimes by Apollo himself:' handsome as Lætitia-" She received such for the truth of which he appealed to the frontis- guage with that ingenuousness and pleasing n piece of several books, and particularly to the which is natural to a woman without design. English Juvenal, to which he referred him; and still sighed in vain for Lætitia, but found cer only added, That such authors were the Larvati relief in the agreeable conversation of Dap or Larva donati of the ancients.' This cleared up At length, heartily tired with the haughty im all, and in the conclusion you were chosen proba- tinence of Lætitia, and charmed with the repe tioner; and, Mr. President, put round your health instances of good humor he had observed as such, protesting, That though indeed he talk- Daphne, he one day told the latter that he had s ed of a wizard, he did not believe all the while thing to say to her he hoped she would be ple you had any more occasion for it than the cat-a-with-"Faith, Daphne," continued he, "I a mountain; so that all you have to do now is to pay your fees, which are here very reasonable, if you are not imposed upon; and you may style yourself Informis Societatis Socius: which I am desired to acquaint you with; and upon the same I beg you to accept of the congratulations of, "Sir your obliged humble servant, "A.C." "Oxford, March 21. No. 33.] SATURDAY, APRIL 7, 1711. Fervidus tecum puer, et solutis Mercuriusque.-HOR. 1 Od., xxx, 5. And Mercury, compose thy train.-CREECH. love with thee, and despise thy sister sincere The manner of his declaring himself gave his tress occasion for a very hearty laughter.-"N says he, "I knew you would laugh at me, will ask your father." He did so; the fathe ceived this intelligence with no less joy than prise, and was very glad he had now no care but for his beauty, which he thought he c carry to market at his leisure. I do not k anything that has pleased me so much for a g while, as this conquest of my friend Daph All her acquaintance congratulate her upon chance-medley, and laugh at that premedita murderer her sister. As it is an argument light mind, to think the worse of ourselves for imperfections of our person, it is equally belo to value ourselves upon the advantages of th The female world seem to be almost incorrig gone astray in this particular; for which reas shall recommend the following extract out friend's letter to the professed beauties, who a people almost as insufferable as the profe wits. Monsieur St. Evremond has concluded on his essays with affirming, that the last sighs handsome woman are not so much for the los her life, as of her beauty. Perhaps this raille pursued too far, yet it is turned upon a very o ous remark, that woman's strongest passion i her own beauty, and that she values it as he vorite distinction. From hence it is that all which pretend to improve or preserve it, meet so general a reception among the sex. To nothing of many false helps and contraband w of beauty which are daily vended in this mart, there is not a maiden gentlewoman of family in any county of South Britain, who not heard of the virtues of May-dew, or is un nished with some receipt or other in favor of complexion; and I have known a physician learning and sense, after eight years' study in university, and a course of travels into most c tries of Europe, owe the first raising of his fortu to a cosmetic wash. A FRIEND of mine has two daughters, whom I will call Lætitia and Daphne; the former is one of the greatest beauties of the age in which she lives, the latter no way remarkable for any charms in her person. Upon this one circumstance of their outward form, the good and ill of their life seems to turn. Lætitia has not, from her very childhood, heard anything else but commendations of her features and complexion, by which means she is no other than nature made her, a very beautiful outside. The consciousness of her charms has rendered her insupportably vain and insolent toward all who have to do with her. Daphne, who was almost twenty before one civil thing had ever been said to her, found herself obliged to acquire some accomplishments to make up for the want of those attractions which she saw in her sister. Poor Daphne was seldom submitted to in a debate wherein she was concerned; her discourse had nothing to recommend it but the good sense of it, and she was always under a necessity to have very well considered what she was to say before she uttered it; while Lætitia was listened to with partiality, and approbation sat on the "This has given me occasion to consider how countenances of those she conversed with, before universal a disposition in womankind, wh she communicated what she had to say. These springs from a laudable motive-the desire cases have produced suitable effects, and Lætitia pleasing-and proceeds upon an opinion not a us as insipid a companion as Daphne is an agree-gether groundless-that nature may be helped art-may be turned to their advantage. And, methinks, it would be an acceptable service to take them out of the hands of quacks and pretenders, and to prevent their imposing upon themselves, by discovering to them the true secret and art of improving beauty. In order to do this, before I touch upon it directly, it will be necessary to lay down few preliminary maxims, viz: "That no woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more than she can be witty only by the help of speech. "That pride destroys all symmetry and grace, and affectation is a more terrible enemy to fine faces than the small-pox. "That no woman is capable of being beautiful, who is not incapable of being false. "And, That what would be odious in a friend is deformity in a mistress. "From these few principles, thus laid down, it will be easy to prove, that the true art of assisting beauty consists in embellishing the whole person by the proper ornaments of virtuous and commendable qualities. By this help alone it is, that those who are the favorite work of nature, or, as Mr. Dryden expresses it, the porcelain clay of human kind, become animated, and are in a capacity of exerting their charms; and those who seem to have been neglected by her, like models wrought in haste, are capable in a great measure of finish ing what she has left imperfect. "It is, methinks, a low and degrading idea of that sex, which was created to refine the joys and soften the cares of humanity by the most agreeable participation, to consider them merely as objects of sight. This is abridging them of their natural extent of power, to put them upon a level with their pictures at Kneller's. How much nobler is the contemplation of beauty heightened by virtue, and commanding our esteem and love while it draws our observation! How faint and spiritless are the charms of a coquette, when compared with the real loveliness of Sophronia's innocence, piety, good humor, and truth; virtues which add a new softness to her sex, and even beautify her beauty! That agreeableness which must otherwise have appeared no longer in the modest virgin, is now preserved in the tender mother, the prudent friend, and the faithful wife. Colors artfully spread upon canvas may entertain the eye, but not affect the heart; and she who takes no care to add to the natural graces of her person any excellent qualities, may be allowed still to amuse, as a picture, but not to triumph as a beauty. "When Adam is introduced by Milton, describing Eve in Paradise, and relating to the angel the impressions he felt upon seeing her at her first creation, he does not represent her like a Grecian Venus, by her shape or features, but by the luster of her mind which shone in them, and gave them their power of charming: Grace was in all her steps, heav'n in her eye, “Without this irradiating power, the proudest fair one ought to know, whatever her glass may tell her to the contrary, that her most perfect features are uninformed and dead. "I cannot better close this moral than by a short epitaph written by Ben Jonson with a spirit which nothing could inspire but such an object as I have been describing: Underneath this stone doth lie Which when alive did vigor give "I am, Sir, your most humble servant, No. 34.] MONDAY, APRIL 9, 1711. parcit Cognatis maculis similis fera-Juv., Sat. xv, 159. From spotted skins the leopard does refrain.-TATE. THE club of which I am a member, is very luckily composed of such persons as are engaged in different ways of life, and deputed as it were out of the most conspicuous classes of mankind. By this means I am furnished with the greatest variety of hints and materials, and know everything that passes in the different quarters and divisions not only of this great city, but of the whole king. dom. My readers too have the satisfaction to find that there is no rank or degree among them who have not their representative in this club, and that there is always somebody present who will take care of their respective interests, that nothing may be written or published to the prejudice or infringement of their just rights and privileges. I last night sat very late in company with this select body of friends, who entertained me with several remarks which they and others had made upon these my speculations, as also with the various success which they had met with among their several ranks and degrees of readers. Will Honeycomb told me in the softest manner he could, that there were some ladies (but for your comfort, says Will, they are not those of the most wit) that were offended at the liberties I had taken with the opera and the puppet-show; that some of them were likewise very much surprised, that I should think such serious points as the dress and equipage of persons of quality proper subjects for raillery. He was going on, when Sir Andrew Freeport took him up short, and told him, that the papers he hinted at, had done great good in the city, and that all their wives and daughters were the better for them; and farther added, that the whole city thought themselves very much obliged to me for declaring my generous intentions to scourge vice and folly as they appear in a multitude, without condescending to be a publisher of particular intrigues and cuckoldoms. "In short," says Sir Andrew, "if you avoid that foolish beaten road of falling upon aldermen and citizens, and employ your pen upon the vanity and luxury of courts, your paper must needs be of general use." Upon this my friend the Templar told Sir Andrew, that he wondered to hear a man of his sense talk after that manner, that the city had always been the province for satire; and that the wits of king Charles' time jested upon nothing else during his whole reign. He then showed, by the examples of Horace, Juvenal, Boileau, and the best writers of every age, that the follies of the stage and court had never been accounted too sacred for ridicule, how great soever the persons might be that patronized them. "But after all," says excursion, in attacking several persons of the inns he, "I think your raillery has made too great an of court; and I do not believe you can show me any precedent for your behavior in that particular." My good friend Sir Roger de Coverley who had said nothing all this while, began his speech with a pish! and told us, that he wondered to see so many men of sense so very serious upon fooleries. "Let our good friend," says he, "attack every one that deserves it; I would only advise you, Mr. Spectator," applying himself to me, "to take care how you meddle with country 'squires. They are the ornaments of the English nation; men of good heads and sound bodies! and, let me tell you, some of them take it ill of you, that you mention fox-hunters with so little respect." Captain Sentry spoke very sparingly on this occasion. What he said was only to commend my prudence in not touching upon the army, and advised me to continue to act discreetly in that point. By this time I found every subject of my speculations was taken away from me, by one or other of the club and began to think myself in the condition of the good man that had one wife who took a dislike to his gray hair, and another to his black, till by their picking out what each of them had an aversion to, they left his head altogether bald and naked. While I was thus musing with myself, my worthy friend the clergyman, who, very luckily for me, was at the club that night, undertook my cause. He told us, that he wondered any order of persons should think themselves too considerable to be advised. That it was not quality, but innocence, which exempted men from reproof. That vice and folly ought to be attacked wherever they could be met with, and especially when they were placed in high and conspicuous stations of life. He farther added, that my paper would only serve to aggravate the pains of poverty, if it chiefly exposed those who are already depressed, and in some measure turned into ridicule, by the meanness of their conditions and circumstances. He afterward proceeded to take notice of the great use this paper might be of to the public, by reprehending those vices which are too trivial for the chastisement of the law, and too fantastical for the cognizance of the pulpit. He then advised me to prosecute my undertaking with cheerfulness, and assured me, that whoever might be displeased with me, I should be approved by all those whose praises do honor to the persons on whom they are bestowed. The whole club pay a particular deference to the discourse of this gentleman, and are drawn into what he says as much by the candid, ingenuous manner with which he delivers himself, as by the strength of argument and force of reason which he makes use of. Will Honeycomb immediately agreed, that what he had said was right; and that, for his part, he would not insist upon the quarter which he had demanded for the ladies. Sir Andrew gave up the city with the same frankness. The Templar would not stand out, and was followed by Sir Roger and the Captain; who all agreed that I should be at liberty to carry the war into what quarter I pleased; provided I continued to combat with criminals in a body, and to assault the vice without hurting the person. This debate, which was held for the good of mankind, put me in mind of that which the Roman triumvirate were formerly engaged in for their destruction. Every man at first stood hard for his friend, till they found that by this means they should spoil their proscription; and at length, making a sacrifice of all their acquaintance and relations, furnished out a very decent execution. Having thus taken my resolutions to march on boldly in the cause of virtue and good sense, and to annoy their adversaries in whatever degree or rank of men they may be found; I shall be deaf for the future to all the remonstrances that shall be made to me on this account. If Punch grows extravagant, I shall reprimand him very freely. If the stage becomes a nursery of folly and impertinence, I shall not be afraid to animadvert upon it. In short, if I meet with any city, court, or country, that shocks mo good manners, I shall use my utmost end make an example of it. I must, however every particular person, who does me t to be a reader of this paper, never to thi self, or any one of his friends or enemie at in what is said; for I promise him, draw a faulty character which does not fi a thousand people; or to publish a singl that is not written in the spirit of ben and with a love of mankind.-C. No. 35.] TUESDAY, APRIL 10, 1 Nothing so foolish as the laugh of fools. AMONG all kinds of writing, there is which authors are more apt to miscarry works of humor, as there is none in wh are more ambitious to excel. It is not an tion that teems with monsters, a head tha with extravagant conceptions, which is of furnishing the world with diversion: nature: and yet if we look into the prod several writers, who set up for men o what wild irregular fancies, what unnat tortions of thought do we meet with? speak nonsense, they believe they are tal mor; and when they have drawn together of absurd, inconsistent ideas, they are no read it over to themselves without laughin poor gentlemen endeavor to gain thems reputation of wits and humorists, by st strous conceits as almost qualify them for not considering that humor should always the check of reason, and that it requires t tion of the nicest judgment, by so much th it indulges itself in the most boundless There is a kind of nature that is to be ob this sort of compositions, as well as in all o a certain regularity of thought which mu ver the writer to be a man of sense, at time that he appears altogether given up t For my part, when I read the delirious an unskillful author, I cannot be so barbar divert myself with it, but am rather apt to man, than laugh at anything he writes. The deceased Mr. Shadwell, who had great deal of the talent which I am tre represents an empty rake, in one of his very much surprised to hear one say, the ing of windows was not humor; and I not but several English readers will be startled to hear me affirm, that many of ving incoherent pieces which are ofte among us under odd chimerical titles, a the offsprings of a distempered brain, the of humor. It is indeed much easier to describe wh humor, than what is; and very difficult it otherwise than as Cowley has done wit, tives. Were I to give my own notions would deliver them after Plato's manner, of allegory-and by supposing Humor person, deduce to him all his qualificat cording to the following genealogy. T the founder of the family, and the father Sense. Good Sense was the father of married a lady of collateral line called whom he had issue Humor. Humor being the youngest of this illustrious fan descended from parents of such different tions, is very various and unequal in his sometimes you see him putting on gra and a solemn habit, sometimes airy in his behavior | signs in this paper is to beat down that malignant and fantastic in his dress; insomuch that at different times he appears as serious as a judge, and as jocular as a merry-andrew. But as he has a great deal of the mother in his constitution, whatever mood he is in, he never fails to make his company laugh. But since there is an impostor abroad, who takes upon him the name of this young gentleman, and would willingly pass for him in the world; to the end that well-meaning persons may not be imposed upon by cheats, I would desire my readers, when they meet with this pretender, to look into his parentage, and to examine him strictly, whether or no he be remotely allied to Truth, and lineally descended from Good Sense; if not, they may conclude him a counterfeit. They may likewise distinguish him by a loud and excessive laughter, in which he seldom gets his company to join with him. For as True Humor generally looks serious while everybody laughs about him; False Humor is always laughing, while everybody about him looks serious. I shall only add, if he has not in him a mixture of both parents, that is, if he would pass for the offspring of Wit without Mirth, or Mirth without Wit, you may conclude him to be altogether spurious and a cheat. The impostor of whom I am speaking, descends originally from Falsehood, who was the mother of Nonsense, who was brought to bed of a son called Frenzy, who married one of the daughters of Folly, commonly known by the name of Laughter, on whom he begot that monstrous infant of which I have here been speaking. I shall set down at length the genealogical table of False Humor, and, at the same time, place under the genealogy of True Humor, that the reader may at one view behold their different pedigree and relations:— Falsehood. Nonsense. Frenzy- -Laughter. False Humor. Truth. Good Sense. Wit-Mirth. Humor. I might extend the allegory, by mentioning several of the children of false humor, who are more in number than the sands of the sea, and might in particular enumerate the many sons and daughters which he has begot in this island. But as this would be a very invidious task, I shall only observe in general, that False Humor differs from the True, as a monkey does from a man. First of all, He is exceedingly given to little apish tricks and buffooneries. Secondly, He so much delights in mimicry, that it is all one to him whether he exposes by it vice and folly, luxury and avarice; or, on the contrary, virtue and wisdom, pain and poverty. Thirdly, He is wonderfully unlucky, insomuch that he will bite the hand that feeds him, and endeavor to ridicule both friends and foes indifferently. For having but small talents, he must be merry where he can, not where he should. spirit which discovers itself in the writings of the present age, I shall not scruple, for the future, to single out any of the small wits that infest the world with such compositions as are ill-natured, immoral, and absurd. This is the only exception which I shall make to the general rule I have prescribed myself, of attacking multitudes, since every honest man ought to look upon himself as in a natural state of war with the libeler and lampooner, and to annoy them wherever they fall in his way. This is but retaliating upon them and treating them as they treat others.-C. No. 36.] WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11, 1711. Immania monstra Perferimus ———. VIRG. En., iii, 583. I SHALL not put myself to any farther pains for this day's entertainment, than barely to publish the letters and titles of petitions from the playhouse, with the minutes I have made upon the latter for my conduct in relation to them. Drury-lane, April the 9th. "Upon reading the project which is set forth in one of your late papers, of making an alliance between all the bulls, bears elephants, and lions which are separately exposed to public view in the cities of London and Westminster; together with the other wonders, shows, and monsters whereof you made respective mention in the said speculation-we, the chief actors of this play-house, met and sat upon the said design. It is with great delight that we expect the execution of this work: and in order to contribute to it, we have given warning to all our ghosts to get their livelihoods where they can, and not to appear among us after day-break of the 16th instant. We are resolved to take this opportunity to part with everything which does not contribute to the representation of human life; and shall make a free gift of all animated utensils to your projector. The hangings you formerly mentioned are run away; as are likewise a set of chairs, each of which was met upon two legs going through the Rose tavern at two this morning. We hope, Sir, you will give proper notice to the town that we are endeavoring at these regulations; and that we intend for the future to show no monsters, but men who are converted into such by their own industry and affectation. If you will please be at the house to-night, you will see me do my endeavor to show some unnatural appearances which are in vogue among the polite and well-bred. I am to represent, in the character of a fine lady dancing, all the distortions which are frequently taken for graces in mien and gesture. This, Sir, is a specimen of the methods we shall take to expose the monsters which come within the notice of a regular theater; and we desire nothing more gross may be admitted by you Spectators for the future. We have cashiered three companies of theatrical guards, and design our kings shall for the future make love and sit in council without an army; and wait only your di Fourthly, Being entirely void of reason, he pur-rection, whether you will have them reinforce sues no point either of morality or instruction, but is ludicrous only for the sake of being so. Fifthly, Being incapable of anything but mock representations, his ridicule is always personal, and aimed at the vicious man or the writer-not at the vice or the writing. I have here only pointed at the whole species of false humorists; but as one of my principal de King Porus, or join the troops of Macedon. Mr. Pinkethman resolves to consult his pantheon of heathen gods in opposition to the oracle of Delphos, and doubts not but he shall turn the fortune of Porus, when he personates him. I am desired by the company to inform you, that they submit to your censures; and shall have you in greater veneration than Hercules was of old, if you can "When I acquaint you with the great and unexpected vicissitudes of my fortune. I doubt not but I shall obtain your pity and favor. I have for many years past been Thunderer to the play-house and have not only made as much noise out of the clouds as any predecessor of mine in the theater that ever bore that character, but also have descended and spoken on the stage as the bold Thunderer in The Rehearsal. When they got me down thus low, they thought fit to degrade me farther, and make me a ghost. I was contented with this for these two last winters; but they carry their tyranny still farther, and not satisfied that I am banished from above ground, they have given me to understand that I am wholly to depart their dominions, and taken from me even my subterraneous employment. Now, Sir, what I desire of you is, that if your undertaker thinks fit to use fire-arms (as other authors have done) in the time of Alexander, I may be a cannon against Porus, or else provide for me in the burning of Persepolis, or what other method you shall think fit. "SALMONEUS OF COVENT-GARDEN." The petition of all the Devils of the play-house in behalf of themselves and families, setting forth their expulsion from thence, with certificates of their good life and conversation, and praying relief. The merit of this petition referred to Mr. Chr. Rich, who made them devils. street, where, to the great offense of chaste tender ears, they learn ribaldry, obscene s and immodest expressions from passengers idle people, as also to cry fish and card-mat with other useless parts of learning to birds have rich friends, she has fitted up proper neat apartments for them in the back part o said house: where she suffers none to app them but herself, and a servant-maid who is and dumb, and whom she provided on purpo prepare their food, and cleanse their cages; ha found by long experience, how hard a thing for those to keep silence who have the u speech, and the dangers her scholars are ex] to, by the strong impressions that are mad harsh sounds and vulgar dialects. In sho they are birds of any parts or capacity, she undertake to render them so accomplished in compass of a twelvemonth, that they shall conversation for such ladies as love to choose friends and companions out of this species. Unbred to spinning, in the loom unskill'd.-DRYDEN. SOME months ago, my friend Sir Roger, bei the country, inclosed a letter to me, directed certain lady whom I shall here call by the of Leonora and as it contained matters of sequence, desired me to deliver it to her with own hand. Accordingly I waited upon her ship, pretty early in the morning, and wa sired by her woman to walk into her lady's lib till such time as she was in readiness to re The petition of the Grave-digger in Hamlet, to command the pioneers in the Expedition of Alex-me. The very sound of a lady's library gav ander. Granted a great curiosity to see it; and as it was time before the lady came to me, I had an The petition of William Bullock, to be Hephes-portunity of turning over a great many of tion to Pinkethman the Great. Granted. ADVERTISEMENT. A widow gentlewoman, well born both by father and mother's side, being the daughter of Thomas Prater, once an eminent practitioner in the law, and of Lætitia Tattle, a family well known in all parts of this kingdom, having been reduced by misfortunes to wait on several great persons, and for some time to be a teacher at a boarding-school of young ladies, giveth notice to the public, that she hath lately taken a house near Bloomsburysquare, commodiously situated next the fields, in a good air; where she teaches all sorts of birds of the loquacious kind, as parrots, starlings, magpies, and others, to imitate human voices in greater perfection than ever was yet practiced. They are not only instructed to pronounce words distinctly, and in a proper tone and accent, but to speak the language with great purity and volubility of tongue, together with all the fashionable phrases and compliments now in use either at tea tables, or on visiting-days. Those that have good voices may be taught to sing the newest opera-airs, and, if required to speak either Italian or French, paying something extraordinary above the common rates. They whose friends are not able to pay the full prices, may be taken as half-boarders. She teaches such as are designed for the diversion of the public, and to act in enchanted woods on the theaters, by the great. As she had often observed with much concern how indecent an education is usually given these innocent creatures, which in some measure is owing to their being placed in rooms next the books, which were ranged together in a very tiful order. At the end of the folios (which finely bound in gilt) were great jars of c placed one above another in a very noble pie architecture. The quartos were separated the octavos by a pile of smaller vessels, w rose in a delightful pyramid. The octavos bounded by tea-dishes of all shapes, colors sizes, which were so disposed on a wooden fr that they looked like one continued pillar dented with the finest strokes of sculpture, stained with the greatest variety of dyes. part of the library which was designed for th ception of plays and pamphlets, and other papers, was inclosed in a kind of square, consis of one of the prettiest grotesque works th ever saw, and made up of scaramouches, 1 monkeys, mandarins, trees, shells, and a t sand other odd figures in china-ware. In midst of the room was a little japan table, w quire of gilt paper upon it, and on the pap silver snuff-box made in the shape of a little b I found there were several other counterfeit b upon the upper shelves, which were carve wood, and served only to fill up the numbers fagots in the muster of a regiment. I was wor fully pleased with such a mixed kind of furni as seemed very suitable both to the lady and scholar, and did not know at first whether I sh fancy myself in a grotto or in a library. Upon my looking into the books, I found t were some few which the lady had bought her own use, but that most of them had got together, either because she had heard t praised, or because she had seen the author |