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Falstaff and the Thieves

FROM "HENRY IV.," BY WILLIAM SHAKSPERE

Poins. Welcome, Jack, where hast thou been? Falstaff. A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too! marry, and amen! - Give me a cup of sack, boy. - Ere I lead this life long, I'll sew nether stocks and mend them and foot them too. A plague of all cowards! 5 - Give me a cup of sack, rogue. Is there no virtue extant?

[He drinks.

Prince. Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of butter? pitiful-hearted butter, that melted at the sweet tale of the sun; if thou didst, then behold that compound. 10 Falstaff. You rogue, here's lime in this sack too: there is nothing but roguery to be found in villainous man; yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime in it, a villainous coward! - Go thy ways, old Jack; die when thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be not forgot 15 upon the face of the earth, then am I a shotten herring. There live not three good men unhanged in England; and one of them is fat and grows old; God help the while! a bad world, I say. I would I were a weaver ; I could sing Psalms or anything. A plague of all cow-20 ards, I say still.

Prince. How now, woolsack! what mutter you? Falstaff. A king's son! If I do not beat thee out of thy kingdom with a dagger of lath and drive all thy subjects afore thee like a flock of wild geese, I'll never wear 25 hair on my face more. You Prince of Wales !

Prince. Why, you round man, what's the matter?

Falstaff. Are you not a coward? answer me to that, - and Poins there?

Poins. Zounds, ye fat paunch, and ye call me coward, 5 I'll stab thee.

Falstaff. I call thee coward! I'll see thee hanged ere I call thee coward; but I would give a thousand pound I could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees your back; 10 call you that backing of your friends? A plague upon such backing! give me them that will face me. - Give me a cup of sack; I am a rogue, if I drunk to-day.

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Prince. O villain! thy lips are scarce wiped since thou drunk'st last.

Falstaff. All's one for that. (He drinks.) A plague of all cowards, still say I.

Prince. What's the matter?

Falstaff. What's the matter! there be four of us here have ta'en a thousand pound this day morning.

Prince. Where is it, Jack? where is it?

Falstaff. Where is it! taken from us it is; a hundred upon poor four of us.

Prince. What, a hundred, man?

Falstaff. I am a rogue if I were not at half-sword with 25 a dozen of them two hours together. I have scaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust through the doublet, four through the hose; my buckler cut through and through; my sword hacked like a handsaw! I never dealt better since I was a man; all would not do. A plague of all 30 cowards! Let them speak; if they speak more or less than truth, they are villains and the sons of darkness.

Prince. Speak, sirs; how was it?

Gadshill. We four set upon some dozen

Falstaff. Sixteen at least, my lord.

Gadshill. And bound them.

Peto. No, no, they were not bound.

Gadshill. As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us

Falstaff. And unbound the rest, and then came in the

other.

Prince. What, fought ye with them all?

Falstaff. All! I know not what ye call all; but if I fought not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish ; if there were not two or three and fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.

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Prince. Pray God you have not murdered some of 15 them.

Falstaff. Nay, that's past praying for: I have peppered two of them; two I am sure I have paid, two rogues in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal - if I tell thee a lie, call me horse - thou knowest my old ward; 20 here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me

Prince. What, four? thou saidst but two even now. Falstaff. Four, Hal; I told thee four.

Poins. Aye, aye, he said four.

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Falstaff. These four came all afront and mainly thrust at me. I made no more ado but took all their

seven points in my target, thus.

Prince. Seven? why, there were but four even now.

Falstaff. In buckram?

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Poins. Aye, four, in buckram suits.

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Falstaff. Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else. Prince. [aside to POINS] Prithee, let him alone; we shall have more anon.

Falstaff. Dost thou hear me, Hal?

Prince. Aye, and mark thee too, Jack.

Falstaff. Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine in buckram that I told thee of

Prince. So, two more already.

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Falstaff. Began to give me ground: but I followed me close, came in foot and hand; and with a thought seven 10 of the eleven I paid.

Prince. Oh, monstrous! eleven buckram men grown out of two!

Falstaff. But three knaves in Kendal green came at my back and let drive at me; for it was so dark, Hal, 15 that thou couldst not see thy hand.

Prince. These lies are like their father that begets them; gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou clay-brained, not-pated fool, thou greasy tallow-keech,

Falstaff. What, art thou mad? art thou mad? is not 20 the truth the truth?

Prince. Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal green when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy hand? come, tell us your reason; what say'st thou to this?

Poins. Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
Falstaff. What, upon compulsion?

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Zounds, and I were at the strappado or all the racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion! if reasons were as plenty as blackberries, I 30 would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.

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