MISCELLANEOUS ESSAYS.

ESSAY I.

I REMEMBER to have read in some philosopher, (I believe in Tom Brown's works,) that, let a man's character, sentiments, or complexion, be what they will, he can find company in London to match them. If he be splenetic, he may every day meet companions on the seats in St James's Park, with whose groans he may mix his own, and pathetically talk of the weather. If he be passionate, he may vent his rage among the old orators at Slaughter's coffee-house, and damn the nation, because it keeps him from starving. If he be phlegmatic, he may sit in silence at the humdrum club in Ivy-lane; and, if actually mad, he may find very good company in Moorfields, either at Bedlam or the Foundry, ready to cultivate a nearer acquaintance.

of genius in men, who had taken a title so superior to the rest of mankind. I expected to see the lines of every face marked with strong thinking; but though I had some skill in this science, I could for my life discover nothing but a pert simper, fat, or profound stupidity.

My speculations were soon interrupted by the Grand, who had knocked down Mr Spriggins for a song. I was upon this whispered by one of the company who sat next me, that I should now see something touched off to a nicety, for Mr Spriggins was going to give us Mad Tom in all its glory. Mr Spriggins endeavoured to excuse himself; for as he was to act a madman and a king, it was impossible to go through the part properly without a crown and chains. His excuses were overruled by a great majority, and with much vociferation. The president ordered up the jack-chain, and instead But, although such as have a knowledge of of a crown, our performer covered his brows the town may easily class themselves with tem- with an inverted jordan. After he had rattled pers congenial to their own, a countryman, his chain, and shook his head, to the great dewho comes to live in London, finds nothing light of the whole company, he began his song. more difficult. With regard to myself, none As I have heard few young fellows offer to ever tried with more assiduity, or came off with sing in company that did not expose themselves, such indifferent success. I spent a whole sea- it was no great disappointment to me to find son in the search, during which time my name Mr Spriggins among the number; however, has been enrolled in societies, lodges, convoca- not to seem an odd fish, I rose from my seat in tions, and meetings, without number. To rapture, cried out, bravo! encore! and slapped some I was introduced by a friend, to others the table as loud as any of the rest. invited by an advertisement; to these I introduced myself, and to those I changed my name to gain admittance. In short, no coquette was ever more solicitous to match her ribands to her complexion, than I to suit my club to my temper; for I was too obstinate to conform to it.

The first club I entered upon coming to town, was that of the Choice Spirits. The name was entirely suited to my taste; I was a lover of mirth, good-humour, and even sometimes of fun, from my childhood.

As no other passport was requisite but the payment of two shillings at the door, I introduced myself without farther ceremony to the members, who were already assembled, and had for some time begun upon business. The Grand, with a mallet in his hand, presided at the head of the table. I could not avoid, upon my entrance, making use of all my skill in physiognomy, in order to discover that superiority

The gentleman who sat next me seemed highly pleased with my taste and the ardour of my approbation; and whispering told me that I had suffered an immense loss, for had I come a few minutes sooner, I might have heard Gee ho Dobbin sung in a tip-top manner by the pimple-nosed spirit at the president's right elbow: but he was evaporated before I came.

As I was expressing my uneasiness at this disappointment, I found the attention of the company employed upon a fat figure, who with a voice more rough than the Staffordshire giant's, was giving us the softly sweet in Lydian measure of Alexander's Feast. After a short pause of admiration, to this succeeded a Welsh dialogue, with the humours of Teague and Taffy: after that came on Old Jackson, with a story between every stanza: next was sung the Dust-cart, and then Solomon's Song. The glass began now to circulate pretty freely;

those who were silent when sober, would now | be heard in their turn; every man had his song, and he saw no reason why he should not be heard as well as any of the rest; one begged to be heard while he gave Death and the Lady in high taste; another sung to a plate which he kept trundling on the edges: nothing was now heard but singing; voice rose above voice; and the whole became one universal shout, when the landlord came to acquaint the company that the reckoning was drunk out. Rabelais calls the moment in which a reckoning is mentioned the most melancholy of our lives: never was so much noise so quickly quelled as by this short but pathetic oration of our landlord: Drunk out; was echoed in a tone of discontent round the table: drunk out already! that was very odd! that so much punch could be drunk out already-impossible! The landlord, however, seeming resolved not to retreat from his first assurances, the company was dissolved, and a president chosen for the night ensuing.

A friend of mine, to whom I was complaining some time after the entertainment I have been describing, proposed to bring me to the club that he frequented, which he fancied would suit the gravity of my temper exactly. "We have at the Muzzy Club," says he, "no riotous mirth nor awkward ribaldry; no confusion or bawling; all is conducted with wisdom and decency besides, some of our members are worth forty thousand pounds; men of prudence and foresight every one of them: these are the proper acquaintance, and to such I will to-night introduce you." I was charmed at the proposal: to be acquainted with men worth forty thousand pounds, and to talk wisdom the whole night, were offers that threw me into raptures. At seven o'clock I was accordingly introduced by my friend, not indeed to the company, for though I made my best bow they seemed insensible of my approach, but to the table at which they were sitting. Upon my entering the room, I could not avoid feeling a secret ve neration from the solemnity of the scene before ine; the members kept a profound silence, each with a pipe in his mouth, and a pewter pot in his hand, and with faces that might easily be construed into absolute wisdom. Happy society, thought I to myself, where the members think before they speak, deliver nothing rashly, but convey their thoughts to each other pregnant with meaning, and matured by reflection.

In this pleasing speculation I continued a full half hour, expecting each moment that somebody would begin to open his mouth: every time the pipe was laid down I expected it was to speak; but it was only to spit. At length resolving to break the charm myself, and overcome their extreme diffidence, for to this I imputed their silence, I rubbed my hands, and looking as wise as possible observed that the nights began to grow a little coolish at this time of the year. This, as it was directed to none of the company in particular, none thought himself obliged to answer, wherefore I con

tinued still to rub my hands and look wise. My next effort was addressed to a gentleman who sat next me; to whom I observed that the beer was extremely good; my neighbour made no reply, but by a large puff of tobacco smoke.

I now began to be uneasy in this dumb society, till one of them a little relieved me by observing that bread had not risen these three weeks: "Ay," says another, still keeping the pipe in his mouth," that puts me in mind of a pleasant story about that-hem-very well; you must know-but, before I begin-Sir, my service to you-where was I ?"

My next club goes by the name of the Harmonical Society; probably from that love of order and friendship which every person com. mends in institutions of this nature. The landlord was himself the founder. The money spent is fourpence each; and they sometimes whip for a double reckoning. To this club few recommendations are requisite, except the introductory fourpence and my landlord's good word, which, as he gains by it, he never refuses.

We all here talked and behaved as every body else usually does on his club-night: we discussed the topic of the day, drank each other's healths; snuffed the candles with our fingers, and filled our pipes from the same plate of tobacco. The company saluted each other in the common manner; Mr Bellowsmender hoped Mr Currycomb-maker had not caught cold going home the last club-night, and he returned the compliment by hoping that young Mr Bellows-mender had got well again of the chincough. Dr Twist told us a story of a parliament-man, with whom he was intimately acquainted; while the bug-man, at the same time, was telling a better story of a noble lord with whom he could do any thing. A gentleman in a black wig and leather breeches at the other end of the table, was engaged in a long narrative of the Ghost in Cock-lane: be had read it in the papers of the day, and was telling it to some that sat next him, who could not read. Near him Mr Dibbins was disputing on the old subject of religion with a Jew pedlar, over the table, while the president vainly knocked down Mr Leathersides for a song. Besides the combinations of these voices, which I could hear altogether, and which formed an upper part to the concert, there were several others playing underparts by themselves, and endeavouring to fasten on some luckless neighbour's ear, who was himself bent upon the same design against some other.

We have often heard of the speech of a corporation, and this induced me to transcribe a speech of this club, taken in short-hand, word for word, as it was spoken by every member of the company. It may be necessary to observe, that the man who told of the ghost had the loudest voice, and the longest story to tell, so that his continuing narrative filled every chasin in conversation.

So, Sir, d'ye perceive me, the ghost giving

men took any notice of the rest of the company. Their whole discourse was addressed to each other. Sir Paul told his lordship a long story of Moravia the Jew; and his lordship gave Sir Paul a very long account of his new method of managing silk worms: he led him, and consequently the rest of the company, through all the stages of feeding, sunning, and hatching; with an episode on mulberry-trees, a digression upon grass seeds, and a long parenthesis about his new postilion. In this manner we travelled on, wishing every story to be the last, but al in vain ;

"Hills over hills, and Alps on Alps arose."

The last club in which I was enrolled member was a society of moral philosophers, as they called themselves, who assembled twice a-week, in order to show the absurdity of the present mode of religion, and establish a new one in its stead.

three load raps at the bed-post-Says my Lord | to me, my dear Smokeum, you know there is no man upon the face of the earth for whom I have so high-A damnable false heretical opinion of all sound doctrine and good learning; for I'll tell it aloud, and spare not that-Silence for a song; Mr Leathersides for a song- As I was a walking upon the highway, I met a young damsel' Then what brings you here? says the parson to the ghost-Sanconiathan, Manetho, and Berosus-The whole way from Islingtonturnpike to Dog-house bar-Dam-As for Abel Drugger, Sir, he's damn'd low in it; my 'prentice boy has more of the gentleman than he-- For murder will out one time or another; and none but a ghost, you know, gentlemen, can-Damme if I don't; for my friend, whom you know, gentlemen, and who is a parliamentman, a man of consequence, a dear honest creature, to be sure; we were laughing last night at Death and damnation upon all his posterity, by simply barely tasting-Sour grapes, as the fox said once when he could not reach them; and I'll, I'll tell you a story about that: that will make you burst your sides with laughing. A fox once-Will nobody listen to the song-As I was a walking upon the highway, I met a young damsel both buxom and gay'- During this contest I had an opportunity of No ghost, gentlemen, can be murdered; nor observing the laws, and also the members of did I ever hear but of one ghost killed in all the society. The president, who had been, as my life, and that was stabbed in the belly with I was told, lately a bankrupt, was a tall pale -My blood and soul if I don't-Mr Bellows- figure with a long black wig; the next to him mender, I have the honour of drinking your was dressed in a large white wig, and a black very good health-Blast me if I do-dam-cravat; a third by the brownness of his comblood - bugs-fire-whiz-blid-tit-rat-plexion seemed a native of Jamaica; and a trip"- The rest all riot, nonsense, and rapid fourth by his hue appeared to be a blacksmith. confusion. But their rules will give the most just idea of their learning and principles.

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I found the members very warmly disputing when I arrived; not indeed about religion or ethics, but about who had neglected to lay down his preliminary sixpence upon entering the room. The president swore that he had laid his own down, and so swore all the company.

I. We being a laudable society of moral philosophers, intends to dispute twice a-week about religion and priestcraft. Leaving behind us old wives' tales, and following good learning and sound sense: and if so be, that any other persons has a mind to be of the society, they shall be entitled so to do, upon paying the sum of three shillings to be spent by the company

Were I to be angry at men for being fools, I could here find ample room for declamation; but alas! I have been a fool myself; and why should I be angry with them for being some thing so natural to every child of humanity? Fatigued with this society, I was introduced the following night to a club of fashion. On taking my place, I found the conversation sufficiently easy, and tolerably good natured: for my lord and Sir Paul were not yet arrived. I now thought myself completely fitted, and re-in punch. solving to seek no farther, determined to take up my residence here for the winter; while my temper began to open insensibly to the cheerfulness I saw diffused on every face in the room but the delusion soon vanished, when the waiter came to apprize us that his lordship and Sir Paul were just arrived.

From this moment all our felicity was at an end; our new guests bustled into the room, and took their seats at the head of the table. Adieu now all confidence; every creature strove who should most recommend himself to our members of distinction. Each seemed quite regardless of pleasing any but our new guests; and what before wore the appearance of friendship, was now turned into rivalry.

Yet I could not observe that, amidst all this flattery and obsequious attention, our great

II. That no member get drunk before nine of the clock, upon pain of forfeiting threepence, to be spent by the company in punch.

III. That as members are sometimes apt to go away without paying, every person shall pay sixpence upon his entering the room; and all disputes shall be settled by a majority; and all fines shall be paid in punch.

IV. That sixpence shall be every night given to the president, in order to buy books of learning for the good of the society: the president has already put himself to a good deal of expense in buying books for the club; particularly, the works of Tully, Socrates, and Cicero, which he will soon read to the society.

V. All them who brings a new argument against religion, and who being a philosopher, and a man of learning, as the rest of us is,

When you are desired to sing in company, would advise you to refuse; for it is a thousand to one, but that you torment us with affectation or a bad voice. If and live with an old man, I be young, you would advise you not to like gravy; I was disinherited myself for liking gravy. Don't laugh much in public; the spectators

As your taste in the fine arts is universally that are not so merry as you, will hate you,

either because they envy your happiness, or fan- [ a short-lived passion. He soon therefore becy themselves the subject of your mirth.