were boys. "There is nothing," said the ingenious Kieft, shutting up the book-"there is nothing more essential to the well-management of a country, than education among the people; the basis of a good government should be laid in the public mind." Now this was true enough; but it was ever the wayward fate of William the Testy, that when he thought right, he was sure to go to work wrong. In the present instance, he could scarcely eat or sleep, until he had set on foot brawling debating societies, among the simple citizens of New Amsterdam. This was the one thing wanting to complete his confusion. The honest Dutch burghers, though in truth but little given to argument or wordy altercation, yet by dint of meeting often together, fuddling themselves with strong drink, beclouding their brains with tobacco smoke, and listening to the harangues of some half a dozen oracles, soon became exceedingly wise, and, as is always the case where the mob is politically enlightened, exceedingly discontented. They found out, with wonderful quickness of discernment, the fearful error in which they had indulged, in fancying themselves the happiest people in creation; and were fortunately convinced that, all circumstances to the contrary notwithstanding, they were a very unhappy, deluded, and consequently ruined people!

In a short time the quidnuncs of New-Amsterdam formed themselves into sage juntos of political croakers, who daily met together to groan over political affairs, and make themselves miserable; thronging to these unhappy assemblages with the same eagerness, that zealots have in all ages abandoned the milder and more peaceful paths of religion, to crowd to the howling convocations of fanaticism. We are naturally prone to discontent, and avaricious after imaginary causes of lamentation :-like lubberly monks we belabour our own shoulders, and seem to take a vast satisfaction in the music of our own groans. Nor is this said for the sake of paradox; daily experience shows the truth of these observations. It is next to a farce to offer consolation, or to think of elevating the spirits of a man groaning under ideal calamities; but nothing is more easy than to render him wretched, though on the pinnacle of felicity; as it is an Herculean task to hoist a man to the top of a steeple, though the merest child can topple him off thence.

In the sage assemblages I have noticed, the philosophic reader will at once perceive the faint germs of those sapient convocations called popular meetings, prevalent in our day. Thither resort all those idlers and "squires of low degree," who, like rags, hang loose upon the back of society, and are ready to be blown away by every wind of doctrine. Cobblers abandoned their stalls, and hastened thither to give lessons on political economy blacksmiths left their handicraft, and suffered their own fires to go out, while they blew the bellows and stirred up the fire of faction; and even tailors, though but the shreds and patches, the ninth parts of humanity, neglected their own measures, to attend to the measures of government. Nothing was wanting but half a dozen newspapers and patriotic editors, to have completed this public illumination, and to have thrown the whole province in an uproar !

I should not forget to mention that these popular

meetings were always held at a noted tavern ; for houses of that description have always been found the most congenial nurseries of politics; abounding with those genial streams which give strength and sustenance to faction. We are told that the ancient Germans had an admirable mode of treating any question of importance; they first deliberated upon it when drunk, and afterwards reconsidered it when sober. The shrewder mobs of America, who dislike having two minds upon a subject, both determine and act upon it drunk ; by which means a world of cold and tedious speculations is dispensed with-and as it is universally allowed, that when a man is drunk he sees double": it follows most conclusively that he sees twice as well as his sober neighbours.

CHAPTER IV.

Of the great Pipe Plot-and of the dolorous perplexities into which William the Testy was thrown, by reason of his having enlightened the Multitude.

WILHELMUS KIEFT, as has already been made manifest, was a great legislator upon a small scale. He was of an active or rather a busy mind; that is to say, his was one of those small, but brisk minds, that make up by bustle and constant motion, for the want of great scope and power. He had, when quite a youngling, been impressed with the advice of Solomon, "Go to the ant, thou sluggard, consider her ways and be wise:" in conformity to which, he had ever been of a restless, antlike turn, worrying hither and thither, busying himself about little matters, with an air of great importance and anxiety-laying up wisdom by the morsel, and often toiling and puffing at a grain of mustard seed, under the full conviction that he was moving a mountain.

Thus we are told, that once upon a time, in one of his fits of mental bustle, which he termed deliberation, he framed an unlucky law, to prohibit the universal practice of smoking. This he proved, by mathematical demonstration, to be not merely a heavy tax on the public pocket, but an incredible consumer of time, a hideous encourager of idleness, and, of course, a deadly bane to the prosperity and morals of the people. Ill fated Kieft! had he lived in this enlightened and libel-loving age, and attempted to subvert the inestimable liberty of the press, he could not have struck more closely on the sensibilities of the million.

The populace were in as violent a turmoil as the constitutional gravity of their deportment would permit: a mob of factious citizens had even the hardihood to assemble before the governor's house, where, setting themselves resolutely down, like a besieging army before a fortress, they one and all fell to smoking with a determined perseverance, that seemed as though it were their intention to smoke him into terms. The Testy William issued out of his mansion like unto a wrathful spider, and demanded to know the cause of this seditious assemblage, and this lawless fumigation; to which these sturdy rioters made no other reply, than to loll back most phlegmatically in their seats and puff away with redoubled fury; whereby they raised such a murky cloud, that the governor was fain to take refuge in the interior of his castle.

The governor immediately perceived the object

of this unusual tumult, and that it would be impossible to suppress a practice which, by long indulgence, had become a second nature. And here I would observe, partly to explain why I have so often made mention of this practice in my history, that it was inseparably connected with all the affairs, both public and private, of our revered ancestors. The pipe, in fact, was never from the mouth of the true-born Nederlander. It was his companion in solitude, the relaxation of his gayer hours-his counsellor, his consoler, his joy, his pride; in a word, he seemed to think and breathe through his pipe.

When William the Testy bethought himself of all these matters, which he certainly did, although a little too late, he came to a compromise with the besieging multitude. The result was, that though he continued to permit the custom of smoking, yet did he abolish the fair long pipes, which were used in the days of Wouter Van Twiller, denoting ease, tranquillity, and sobriety of deportment; and in place thereof did introduce little captious short pipes, two inches in length; which, he observed, could be stuck in one corner of the mouth, or twisted in the hat-band, and would not be in the way of business. By this the multitude seemed somewhat appeased, and dispersed to their habitations. Thus ended this alarming insurrection, which was long known by the name of the pipe-plot, and which, it has been somewhat quaintly observed, did end, like most other plots, seditions, and conspiracies, in mere smoke.

But mark, oh reader! the deplorable consequences that did afterwards result. The smoke of these villanous little pipes, continually ascending in a cloud about the nose, penetrated into and befogged the cerebellum, dried up all the kindly moisture of the brain, and rendered the people that used them as vapourish and testy as their renowned little governor-nay, what is more, from a good burly race of folk, they became, like our worthy Dutch farmers, who smoke short pipes, a lantern-jawed, smoke-dried, leathern-hided race of

men.

the other. The second class, however, comprises the great mass of society, and hence is the origin of party, by which is meant a large body of people, some few of whom think, and all the rest talk. The former, who are called the leaders, marshal out, and discipline the latter, teaching them what they must approve-what they must hoot at-what they must say whom they must support; but, above all, whom they must hate; for no man can be a right good partisan, unless he be a determined and thorough-going hater.

But when the sovereign people are thus properly broken to the harness, yoked, curbed, and reined, it is delectable to see with what docility and harmony they jog onward, through mud and mire, at the will of their drivers, dragging the dirt-carts of faction at their heels. How many patriotic members of congress have I seen, who would never have known how to make up his mind on any question, and might have run a great risk of voting right by mere accident, had he not had others to think for him, and a file leader to vote after.

Thus then the enlightened inhabitants of the Manhattoes, being divided into parties, were enabled to organize dissension, and to oppose and hate one another more accurately. And now the great business of politics went bravely on; the parties assembling in separate beer-houses, and smoking at each other with implacable animosity, to the great support of the state, and emolument of the tavern-keepers. Some, indeed, who were more zealous than the rest, went further, and began to bespatter one another with numerous very hard names and scandalous little words, to be found in the Dutch language; every partisan believing religiously that he was serving his country, when he traduced the character, or impoverished the pocket of a political adversary. But, however they might differ between themselves, all parties agreed on one point-to cavil at and conderan every measure of government whether right or wrong; for as the governor was by his station independent of their power, and was not elected by their choice, and as he had not decided in favour of either faction, neither of them was interested in his success, nor in the prosperity of the country while under his administration.

And here I would remark the great benefit of these party distinctions, by which the people at large are saved the vast trouble of thinking. Hesiod divides mankind into three classes, those who think for themselves, those who let others think for them, and those who will neither do one nor

contend with enemies too knowing to be entrapped, and to reign over a people too wise to be governed !" All his expeditions against his enemies were baffled and set at nought, and all his measures for the public safety were cavilled at by the people. Did he propose levying an efficient body of troops for internal defence-the mob, that is to say, those | vagabond members of the community who have nothing to lose, immediately took the alarm, vociferated that their interests were in danger; that a standing army was a legion of moths, preying on the pockets of society; a rod of iron in the hands of government; and that a government with a military force at its command would inevitably swell into a despotism. Did he, as was but too commonly the case, defer preparation until the moment of emergency, and then hastily collect a handful of undisciplined vagrants—the measure washooted at, as feeble and inadequate; as trifling with the public dignity and safety; and as lavishing

the public funds on impotent enterprises. Did he resort to the economic measure of proclamationhe was laughed at by the Yankees. Did he back it by non-intercourse-it was evaded and counteracted by his own subjects. Whichever way he turned himself, he was beleaguered and distracted by petitions of "numerous and respectable meetings," consisting of some half-a-dozen brawling pothouse politicians; all of which he read, and, what is worse, all of which he attended to. The consequence was, that by incessantly changing his mea sures, he gave none of them a fair trial; and by listening to the clamours of the mob, and endeavour ing to do everything, he, in sober truth, did nothing. I would not have it supposed, however, that he took all these memorials and interferences goodnaturedly, for such an idea would do an injustice to his valiant spirit; on the contrary, he never received a piece of advice in the whole course of his life, without first getting into a passion with the giver. But I have ever observed that your passionate little men, like small boats with large sails, are the easiest upset or blown out of their course; and this is demonstrated by Governor Kieft, who, though in temperament as hot as an old radish, and with a mind, the territory of which was subjected to perpetual whirlwinds and tornadoes, yet never failed to be carried away by the last piece of advice that was blown into his ear. Lucky was it for him that his power was not dependent on the greasy multitude, and that as yet the populace did not possess the important privilege of nominating their chief magistrate. They, however, like a true mob, did their best to help along public affairs; pestering their governor incessantly by goading him on with harangues and petitions; and then thwarting his fiery spirit with reproaches and memorials, like a knot of Sunday jockies, managing an unlucky devil of a hack-horse: so that Wilhelmus Kieft may be said to have been kept either on a worry or a hand-gallop throughout the whole of his administration.

CHAPTER VII.

Containing divers fearful accounts of Border Wars, and the flagrant outrages of the Moss Troopers of Connecticut; with the rise of the great Amphyctionic Council of the East, and the decline of William the Testy.

and misdemeanours of the kitchen. All these valiant tale-bearings were listened to with great wrath by the passionate Kieft and his subjects, who were to the full as eager to hear, and credulous to believe, these frontier fables, as are my fellow citizens to swallow those amusing stories with which our papers are daily filled, about British aggressions at sea, French sequestrations on shore, Spanish infringements in the promised land of Louisiana, and, above all, internal plots and conspiracies.

We are told by the good Plutarch, in his life of Nicias, that the terrible defeat of the Athenians in Sicily was first mentioned in the shop of a gossiping barber at the Piræus. Whereupon, with the customary officiousness of his tribe, he ran up into Athens to have the first telling of the story, and threw the whole forum into consternation. Not being able, however, to substantiate his tale, the unlucky shaver was put upon the wheel and whirled about, as a reward for his trouble, until he was exculpated by the arrival of other evidence.

Such was the manner in which busy alarmists and manufacturers of fearful news were treated in Athens, whereas in our more enlightened country we support whole herds of editors for no other purpose than to gratify a public appetite for dire ful news, and any man who can foist up a fullsounding, hobgoblin story of a plot or conspiracy, may command his own price for it. I have known two or three of these tales of terror to be bought up by government, for the sovereign people to amuse themselves withal; which goes further to prove, what I have before asserted, that your enlightened people love to be miserable.

Far be it from me to insinuate, however, that our worthy ancestors indulged in groundless alarms; on the contrary, they were daily suffering a repetition of cruel wrongs', not one of which but was a sufficient reason, according to the maxims of national dignity and honour, for throwing the whole universe into hostility and confusion.

Oh ye powers! into what indignation did every one of these outrages throw the philosophic William! Letter after letter, protest after protest, proclamation after proclamation, bad Latin, worse English, and hideous Low Dutch, were exhausted in vain upon the inexorable Yankees; and the four-and-twenty letters of the alphabet, 1 From among a multitude of bitter grievances still on record, I select a few of the most atrocious, and leave my readers to judge, if our ancestors were not justifiable in getting into a very valiant passion on the occasion.

**24 June, 1641. Some of Hartford have taken a hogg out of the vlact, or common, and shut it up out of meer hate or other prejudice, causing it to starve for hunger in the stye.

striving who should send home the most frequent and voluminous budgets of complaints, as your faithful servant is eternally running with complaints to the parlour, of all the petty squabbles

26 July. The foremencioned English did againe drive the Companie's hoggs out of the vlact of Sicojoke into Hartford; contending daily with reproaches, blows, beating the people with all disgrace that they could imagine. **May 20, 1642. The English of Hartford have violently cut loose a horse of the honoured Companie's, that stood bound upon the common or vlact.

"May 9, 1643. The Companie's horses pastured upon the

ticut and Hartford, and the herdsmen lustily beaten with hatchets and sticks.

"16. Again they sold a young hogg belonging to the Companie, which pigs had pastured on the Companie's land." Haz. Col. State Pap.

which, excepting his champion, the sturdy trumpeter Van Corlear, composed the only standing army he had at his command, were never off duty throughout the whole of his administration. Nor did Anthony, the trumpeter, remain a whit behind his patron the gallant Kieft, in his fiery zeal; but like a faithful champion and preserver of the public safety, on the arrival of every fresh article of news, he was sure to sound his trumpet from the ramparts, with most disastrous notes, throwing the people into violent alarms, and disturbing their rest at all times and seasons; which caused him to be held in very great regard, the public pampering and rewarding him, as we do brawling editors, for reasons that have just been mentioned.

I am well aware of the perils that environ me in this part of my history. While raking with curious hands but pious heart among the mouldering remains of former days, anxious to draw therefrom the honey of wisdom, I may fare somewhat ike that valiant worthy Samson, who, in meddling with the carcass of a dead lion, drew a swarm of bees about his ears. Thus, while narrating the many misdeeds of the Yanokie or Yankee tribe, it is ten chances to one but I offend the morbid sensibilities of certain of their unreasonable descendants, who may fly out and raise such a buzzing about this unlucky head of mine, that I shall need the tough hide of an Achilles or an Orlando Furioso, to protect me from their stings.

Should such be the case, I should deeply and sincerely lament-not my misfortune in giving offence, but the wrong-headed perverseness of an ill-natured generation, in taking offence at any thing I say. That their ancestors did use my ancestors ill is true, and I am very sorry for it. I would with all my heart the fact were otherwise; but as I am recording the sacred events of history, I'd not bate one nail's breadth of the honest truth, though I were sure the whole edition of my work should be bought up and burned by the common hangman of Connecticut. And, in sooth, now that these testy gentlemen have drawn me out, I will make bold to go further, and observe, that this is one of the grand purposes for which we impartial historians are sent into the world to redress wrongs and render justice on the heads of the guilty. So that though a powerful nation may wrong its neighbours with temporary impunity, yet sooner or later an historian springs up, who wreaks ample chastisement on it in return.

Thus these moss-troopers of the east little thought, I'll warrant it, while they were harassing the inoffensive province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and driving its unhappy governor to his wits' end, that an historian should ever arise, and give them their own, with interest. Since then I am but performing my bounden duty as an historian, in avenging the wrongs of our revered ancestors, I shall make no further apology; and indeed, when it is considered that I have all these ancient borderers of the east in my power, and at the mercy of my pen, I trust that it will be admitted I conduct myself with great humanity and mode

ration.

To resume then the course of my history.Appearances to the eastward began now to assume a more formidable aspect than ever; for I would have you to note that hitherto the province had been

chiefly molested by its immediate neighbours, the people of Connecticut, particularly of Hartford; which, if we may judge from ancient chronicles, was the stronghold of these sturdy moss-troopers, from whence they sallied forth on their daring incursions, carrying terror and devastation into the barns, the hen-roost, and pigsties of our revered

ancestors.

Albeit about the year 1643 the people of the east country, inhabiting the colonies of Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Plymouth, and New Haven, gathered together into a mighty conclave, and after buzzing and debating for many days, like a political hive of bees in swarming-time, at length settled themselves into a formidable confederation, under the title of the United Colonies of New England. By this union they pledged themselves to stand by one another in all perils and assaults, and to co-operate in all measures, offensive and defensive, against the surrounding savages, among which were doubtlessly included our honoured ancestors of the Manhattoes; and, to give more strength and system to this confederation, a general assembly or grand council was to be annually held, composed of representatives from each of the provinces.

The

On receiving accounts of this puissant combination, the fiery Wilhelmus was struck with vast consternation, and for the first time in his whole life forgot to bounce, at hearing an unwelcome piece of intelligence; which, a venerable historian of the times observes, was especially noticed among the sage politicians of New Amsterdam. truth was, on turning over in his mind all that he had read at the Hague, about leagues and combinations, he found that this was an exact imitation of the famous Amphyctionic council, by which the states of Greece were enabled to attain such power and supremacy; and the very idea made his heart to quake for the safety of his empire at the Manhattoes.

He strenuously insisted, that the whole object of this confederation was to drive the Nederlanders out of their fair domains; and always flew into a great rage if any one presumed to doubt the probability of his conjecture. Nor was he wholly unwarranted in such a suspicion; for at the very first annual meeting of the grand council, held at Boston (which governor Kieft denominated the Delphos of this truly classic league), strong representations were made against the Nederlanders, for as much as that in their dealing with the Indians they carried on a traffic in "guns, powther, and shott-a trade damnable and injurious to the colonists." Not but what certain of the Connecticut traders did likewise dabble a little in this "damnable traffic,"-but then they always sold the Indians such scurvy guns that they burst at the first discharge-and consequently hurt no one but these pagan savages.

The rise of this potent confederacy was a deathblow to the glory of William the Testy, for from that day forward, it was remarked by many, he never held up his head, but appeared quite crestfallen. His subsequent reign, therefore, affords but scanty food for the historic pen-we find the grand council continually augmenting in power, and threatening to overwhelm the mighty but defenceless province of Nieuw Nederlandts; while Haz. Col. S. Papers.

Wilhelmus Kieft kept constantly firing off his proclamations and protests like a shrewd sea captain firing off so many carronades and swivels, in order to break and disperse a water-spout-but, alas they had no more effect than if they had been so many blank cartridges.

The last document on record of this learned, philosophic, but unfortunate little man, is a long letter to the council of the Amphyctions; wherein, in the bitterness of his heart, he rails at the people of New Haven, or Red Hills, for their uncourteous contempt of his protest levelled at them for squatting within the province of their high mightinesses. From this letter, which is a model of epistolary writing, abounding with pithy apophthegms and classic figures, my limits will barely allow me to extract the following recondite passage:"Certainly when we heare the Inhabitants of New Hartford complayninge of us, we seem to heare Esop's wolfe complayninge of the lamb, or the admonition of the younge man, who cryed out to his mother, chideing with her neighbcures, 'Oh, mother, revile her, lest she first take up that practice against you.' But being taught by precedent passages, we received such aL answer to our protest from the inhabitants of New Haven as we expected: the Eagle always dispiseth the Beetle-fly; yet notwithstanding we doe undauntedly continue on our purpose of pursuing our own right, by just arms and righteous means, and doe hope without scruple to execute the express commands of our superiors." show that this last sentence was not a mere empty menace, he concluded his letter by intrepidly protesting against the whole council, as a horde of squatters and interlopers; inasmuch as they held their meeting at New-Haven, or the Red Hills, which he claimed as being within the province of the New Netherlands.

To

Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of William the Testy; for henceforth, in the troubles, the perplexities, and the confusion of the times, he seems to have been totally overlooked, and to have slipped for ever through the fingers of scrupulous history. Indeed, for some cause or other which I cannot divine, there appears to have been a combination among historians to sink his very name into oblivion; in consequence of which they have one and all forborne even to speak of his exploits. This shows how important it is for great men to cultivate the favour of the learned, if they are ambitious of honour and renown. "Insult not the dervise," said a wise caliph to his son, "lest thou offend thine historian ;" and many a mighty man of the olden time, had he observed so obvious a maxim, might have escaped divers cruel wipes of the pen which have been drawn across his character.

It has been a matter of deep concern to me, that such darkness and obscurity should hang over the latter days of the illustrious Kieft; for he was a mighty and great little man, worthy of being utterly renowned, seeing that he was the first potentate that introduced into this land the art of fighting by proclamation, and defending a country by trumpeters and windmills; an economic and humane mode of warfare, since revived with great applause, and which promises, if it can

< Vide Haz. Col. State Papers.

ever be carried into full effect, to save great trouble and treasure, and spare infinitely more bloodshed than either the discovery of gunpowder or the invention of torpedoes.

It is true that certain of the early provincial poets, of whom there were great numbers in the Nieuw Nederlandts, taking the advantage of the mysterious exit of William the Testy, have fabled that, like Romulus, he was translated to the skies, and forms a very fiery little star, somewhere on the left claw of the Crab; while others equally fanciful declared, that he had experienced a fate similar to that of the good King Arthur; who, we are assured by ancient bards, was carried away to the delicious abodes of fairy-land, where he still exists, in pristine worth and vigour, and will one day or another return to rescue poor Old England from the hands of paltry, flippant, pettifogging cabinets, and restore the gallantry, the honour, and the immaculate probity which prevailed in the glorious days of the Round Table.

All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies the cobweb visions of those dreaming varlets, the poets, to which I would not have my judicious reader attach any credibility. Neither am I disposed to yield any credit to the assertion of an ancient and rather apocryphal historian, who alleges that the ingenious Wilhelmus was annihilated by the blowing down of one of his windmills; nor to that of a writer of later times, who affirms that he fell a victim to a philosophical experiment, which he had for many years been vainly striving to accomplish; having the misfortune to break his neck from the garret window of the Stadthouse, in an ineffectual attempt to catch swallows, by sprinkling fresh salt upon their tails.

The most probable account, and to which I am inclined to give my implicit faith, is contained in a very obscure tradition, which declares, that what with the constant troubles on his frontiers, the incessant schemings and projects going on in his own pericranium-the memorials, petitions,remonstrances, and sage pieces of advice from divers respectable meetings of the sovereign people, together with the refractory disposition of his council, who were sure to differ from him on every point, and uniformly to be in the wrong: all these, I say, did eternally operate to keep his mind in a kind of furnace heat, until he at length became as completely burnt out as a Dutch family pipe which has passed through three generations of hard smokers. In this manner did the choleric but magnanimous William the Testy undergo a kind of animal combustion, consuming away like a farthing rush-light; so that when grim Death finally snuffed him out, there was scarce left enough of him to bury !

END OF BOOK FOURTH.

2. The old Welsh bards believed that King Arthur was not dead, but carried awaie by the fairies into some pleasent place, where he shold remaine for a time, and then returne againe and reigne in as great authority as ever "-HOLLING

SHED.

"The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all Britaigne, for certes this is the prophicye of Merlyn. He say'd that his deth shall be doubteous; and said soth, for men thereof yet have doubte and shullen for ever more-for men wyt not whether that he lyveth or is dede."-DE I EEW CHRON.