MY NAMESAKE.

BY BON GAULTIER.

"Oh, I'm perfectly agreeable, if you wish it; indeed, I rather like the plan than otherwise."

"Indeed, you rather like the plan than otherwise! You apathetic puppy, you should You don't know into raptures about it. what a splendid thing it makes life to have a fine, affectionate, gentle-hearted creature for the wife of your bosom

"The treasures of the deep are not so precious As are the concealed comforts of a man Lock'd up in woman's love.'

The old boy who wrote that knew what was what."

[Theodore Martin. born in Edinburgh, 16th Sep-g tember, 1816. He was the joint-author, with Professor Aytoun, of the famous Bon Gaultier ballads and talesof which series he was the originator. In his Life of Aytoun (Blackwood and Sons, 1867) he says: • Some papers of a humorous kind which I had pubushel under the nom de plume of Bon Gaultier, had hit Aytoun's fancy; and when I proposed to go on with others in a similar vein, he fell readily into the plan, and agreed to assist in it. In this way a kind of Beaumont-and-Fletcher partnership commenced in a series of humorous papers which appeared in Tail's and Fraser's Magazines during the years 1842, 1843, and 1841." The following tale was published in Fraser's Magazine, December, 1812. Amongst Mr. Martin's valuable translations are: Goethe's Faust; Odes of Horace; Catullus; The Vita Nunca of Dante; Aladdin, a Dramatic Poem, and Correggio, a Tragedy, both by Oehlenschlaeger; and King Rene's Daughter, a Danish lyrical drama by Henrik Hertz. Under the special sanction of Her Majesty the Queen, Mr. Martin wrote the "Life of H. R. H. the Prince C msort."

Why was I called Brown--why John Brown? The cruelty of custom! to fasten upon me such an every-day sort of name, solely because my ancestors had borne it contentedly for years. If it had only been Alfred Brown, or Frederick, or even Edward, the thing might have passed; but John Brown! There is no getting over the commonplace of the cognomen. John Brown is everybody, anybody, nobody. Any one John Brown is quite as good as another: he belongs to a class so numerous that it is vain to attempt to individualize your conceptions of them. Had ever any man a distinct idea of a John Brown? No! There are at least

some fifty of his acquaintances who bear the name, and these are all jumbled together in his mind in one vague and undefined chaos,—

"A mighty maze, and all without a plan." We are the nobodies of society.

66

"John, my boy," said my father to me one day, John, my boy, we are a pair of miserable selfish dogs living here, a brace of bachelors, upon the fat of the land, with not a bit of womankind about us. This sort of thing will never do. One or other of us must get married,

that's plain. I'm a thought too old for it; besides that my regard for your poor dear mother will hardly allow me; so, John, my boy, the lot falls on you. What say you to

the plan?"

The name is taken from the prologue to the first book of Rabelais.

VOL. I.

'Well, well, father, I bow to your experience; and, since you wish it, shall look out for a better-half forthwith. But perhaps you can give me a hint where to direct my search?" I continued, seeing, from the old gentleman's looks, that he had some project on his mind, of which he was bursting to unburden it.

It

"I think I can, indeed. A splendid girl!" "No? Who is she?"

"Oh, I have tickled your curiosity, have I? would serve you right, you cold-blooded rascal, not to tell you."

Nay, but

"Well, well, I'll be merciful. So, then, what say you to the daughter of my very worthy friend David Smith of Edinburgh?"

Smith!" I exclaimed in dismay, thinking of the unhappy conjunction of the uncommon

names of Brown and Smith.

'Yes, sir, Miss Smith-Miss Julia Smith. Have you any objection to the lady, you puppy, that you stand staring at me as if I were a hobgoblin?"

Julia Smith! The Julia did certainly set off the surname a little. It was not so bad, after all. "Objection, sir? None in the world. How could I, when the lady may be as beautiful as day, and as amiable as Mrs. Chapone, for anything I know?"

None of your sneering, you impudent dog, The girl is only too or I'll knock you down. good for you every way. If you haven't seen her, I have, and that's enough. But there is no time to be lost. I warrant me there are lots of young fellows ready to throw themselves at

her feet, and you may be cut out before you can say Jack Robinson. So the sooner you talked over the matter together. He is anxious see her the better. Smith and myself have for the match, and you start therefore with the odds in your favour. I have written to him to expect you this week. So be off with you, my boy; and if you don't secure the prize, order 16

tainly was my berth. I looked at my ticket | resting-place as soft. Anything like sleep was to make sure. Yes, there it was, No. 32. out of the question. Every roll of the vessel Something must be done, however; for I felt transfixed my person upon some acute angle, my person growing chiller and chiller, and my of which there were countless numbers, formed, teeth began to chatter like a fulling-mill. I Heaven and the ship's carpenter alone knew whipped on my small-clothes, and, with my how; and just as I might be going off into a feet thrust into a stray pair of slippers, felt doze, roll went the vessel, and bang went my my way back through the cabin to the sanctum haunch against an obtrusive angle of my bed, of the steward, to whom I detailed the hard- | in a way that left me groaning for the next ships of my case. He turned up his book, half-hour. Snore-snore, went all the noses and there, certainly, opposite No. 32, stood in the place, with a demoniac purpose to taunt the name of Mr. John Brown. "That's me!" my sleepless wretchedness. I distinctly heard I exclaimed triumphantly, pointing to the that fellow Brown. There was a sort of gurgle place; when my eyes, glancing along the page, in his note; he was chuckling in his sleep at alighted upon a succession of Mr. Browns, and my discomfort. The impulse to rise and near the bottom, among the "waifs" who had strangle him seized me more than once; inno berths provided for them, but were to take deed, how I restrained myself is to this moment their chance of a sleeping-place anywhere, a mystery to me. stood the name of a Mr. John Brown at full length.

"I see how it is, sir; this Mr. Brown has got into your bed by mistake," said the purveyor of victuals. We must see what we can do for you."

Saying this he accompanied me below, where he commenced a sort of custom-house inspection of the intruder's travelling gear. Just as I said, sir; there it is, Mr. John Brown!" he exclaimed, pointing to a brass plate upon a portmanteau bearing that interesting inscription. Confound the fellow! I could have sworn it was the same person that cut me out of my seat in the omnibus. It was provoking to a degree. But I was always conspicuous for good-nature, and even here it got the better of my wrath. He might have done it quite innocently; and, upon reflection how horribly uncomfortable it would be for him to be turned out of a warm bed in the middle of his first sleep, I told the steward if he could stow me away anywhere for the night, I shouldn't mind.

There was a place that had apparently been at one time intended for a berth-a cramped, dark, mouldy sort of place, where all the dirty table-cloths and towels, the accumulation of three or four voyages, were crammed; and this, it occurred, might be turned into a receptacle for my wearied limbs. It was better than want, at all events; and, accordingly, after the "filthy dowlas had been routed out, and a mattress and its appendages tumbled in, I followed the example of the latter articles, and deposited my person in the aperture. Such a hole did never man confide himself to, except with a view to suicide. Falstaff in the buck-basket inhaled not more unsavoury perfumes; Prometheus chained to the rock had a

It

At length day broke, and heads, with nightcaps, began to pop out from behind the curtains, and after looking round with no very definite purpose, popped in again. Some time after, the steward's boy entered the cabin, and husky voices were heard demanding what was the hour and whereabout the vessel was. was by this time blowing pretty fresh, but as most of the passengers were as yet nearly as fresh as the breeze, they had the temerity to get up, and, one after another, disappeared up stairs. At last my namesake, Mr. John Brown, emerged from his dormitory and proceeded to dress himself. I lay watching the villain with quiet disgust. He was a goodlooking man of some eight-and-twenty, with a prominent nose and sharp dark eyes. His florid complexion bespoke him of that comfortable, sanguine temperament which nothing can dash, but which, in all seasons and circumstances, retains an easy and self-satisfied complacency. There was a desperate independence about the man, of which a nervous person, like myself, would have given worlds to have had a sprinkling; and, besides all this, he had a look of freshness and vigour natural to one who has had a good night's rest, that to me, who had not shut an eye, was sufficiently aggravating. He was one of those people, too, the nuisances of steamboats, who take a long hour to fit themselves up for the day, who monopolize the dressing-place, splashing and spluttering, and gobble-obble-obbleing in one basin of water after another till the other passengers grow revolutionary and the understeward shows symptoms of partial delirium. Although the breakfast-bell had sounded for some time, still did Mr. John Brown keep combing his whiskers, paring his nails, polishing his teeth, and adjusting a thousand et

mottled into a variety of tints as numerous as the rainbow's, a purply-blue predominating. Blustering town-councillors and arrogant cockneys-fat, apoplectic men-had sunk into their native smallness, and skulked anywhere. As for the ladies, their plight defies description. Silks and satins crumpled and stained past recovery, bonnets bruised into the most fantastic shapes, parasols in fragments, and bandboxes falling to pieces, were everywhere to be seen. Cheeks without the bloom, eyes robbed of the lustre that had wooed admiration when we started, and hair without glossiness, straggling unreproved across the so lately dazzling brow, left all devotees to the sex to mourn over what Byron calls

"The beauty of the sick ladies (Cyclades)." But I soon found that I had something else to mourn over that concerned me more nearly, which was the loss of a small portmanteau, containing all my letters and private papers. Hurrying back to the steamer and pouncing upon the cabin-boy, I demanded of him if he had seen it.

ceteras about his person, whilst I lay frying | steamer that carried us ashore, with visages with impatience to hear the clatter of cups overhead, and the everlasting calls for herrings and buttered toast. My appetite was growing decidedly wolfish, and yet there stood that detestable namesake of mine, ducking and diving into the basin-stand, and swilling his face and neck with oceans of water as though he were never to have done. There was no hope for me, so I sunk back upon my pillow and resigned myself to my fate. The breeze had continued to freshen, and by the time my tormentor had finished his toilette, it was a matter of perfect indifference to me what he did, provided I were left to the calm indulgence of my misery. The truth is, that I became extremely sick, and after this feeling had gone off it left a splitting headache behind to keep me company. One by one the inmates of the cabin, that had left it full of buoyancy and animation for the breakfast-table, returned pale, with ashy lips and uncertain steps. It was comfort to me to watch the reckless haste with which they tore off their garments and plunged into their berths, where they lay groaning in a manner that would have been pitiable but for its being ludicrous. I had grown utterly callous, and felt a savage pleasure in knowing that there were others as uncomfortable, or nearly so, as myself. The three days that followed were a blank in my existence. Hour succeeded hour and brought with it no relief. It was blowing great guns all the time; and what between the rolling, pitching, and swinging of the vessel, the straining of her timbers, the vibration of the engine, and the howling of the wind, we had about as much torture concentrated into a compact space as any merely human imagination can conceive. But all aquatic, as well as all terrestrial things, even a rough sea-voyage, must come to an end, and so did ours, just as our coals were within a few shovelsfull of running out, and sundry wags were beginning to sport forlorn jokes about immolating and cooking the steward for lack of other provisions.

If anything could have compensated me for the misery I had undergone, it would have been our disembarkation at Newhaven on a bright sunshiny morning. The change which the voyage had produced upon the passengers was miraculous, "a thing to dream of, not to tell." Pride, puppyism, and fine airs had all vanished, and the whole body were reduced to one common level of helplessness that seemed You may do with us whatever you please." Dandies, with dishevelled hair and disordered attire, drooped over the side of the

to say,

"Oh! you mean a square, narrow, brown leather thing?" inquired the urchin, in a voice of hateful indifference.

"Yes, yes, exactly!" replied I.

"With a handle over the top and a brass plate with the name of Mr. John Brown upon it?"

"The very thing!" I exclaimed in rapture, thinking it was all safe. "And where is it?" "Oh! sir, the other gentleman's got it." "The other gentleman! And who the devil is the other gentleman?"

"Mr. John Brown, sir; him as got into your berth, you know. He went ashore when we cast anchor last night, and I remember seeing the steward take it on deck with the gentleman's other things."

Confound that Mr. John Brown! he was doomed to be my annoyance at every turning! He had kept me in hot water ever since I started, and the very first move he makes in Scotland puts me to a nonplus, for in that portmanteau were my letter to old Smith and all my other introductions. It was of no use fretting, however. He surely would never think of appropriating my property. I should hear of it at the steamboat-office, no doubt, next day; and in this hope I drove up to the Crown Hôtel, where, after replenishing the vacancy which the fast of the last three days had occasioned, and putting myself into presentable attire, I called for a directory, to search for