RULES FOR BEHAVIOUR DRAWN UP BY AN INDIGENT

PHILOSOPHER.

IF you be a rich man, you may enter the room with three loud hems, march deliberately up to the chimney, and turn your back to the fire. If you be a poor man, I would advise you to shrink into the room as fast as you can, and place yourself, as usual, upon the corner of some chair in a corner.

When you are desired to sing in company, I would advise you to refuse. It is a thousand to one but that you torment us with affectation, ignorance of music, or a bad voice. This is a very good rule.

If you be young, and live with an old man, I would advise you not to like gravy; I was disinherited myself for liking gravy.

Don't laugh much in public; the spectators that are not as merry as you, will hate you, either because they envy your happiness, or fancy themselves the subject of your mirth.

RULES FOR RAISING THE DEVIL. Translated from the Latin of Danaeus de Sortiariis, a Writer contemporary with Calvin, and one of the Reformers of our Church.

THE person who desires to raise the Devil, is to sacrifice a dog, a cat, and a hen, all of his own property, to Beelzebub. He is to swear an eternal obedience, and then to receive a mark in some unseen place, either under the eyelid, or in the roof of the mouth, inflicted by the Devil himself. Upon this he has power given him over three spirits; one for earth, another for air, and a third for the sea. Upon certain times the Devil holds an assembly of magicians, in which each is to give an account of what evil he has done, and what he wishes

to do. At this assembly he appears in the shape of an old man, or often like a goat with large horns. They, upon this occasion, renew their vows of obedience; and then form a grand dance in honour of their false deity. The Devil instructs them in every method of injuring mankind, in gathering poisons, and of riding upon occasion through the air. He shows them the whole method, upon examination, of giving evasive answers; his spirits have power to assume the form of angels of light, and there is but one method of detecting them; viz. to ask them, in proper form, What method is the most certain to propagate the faith over all the world? To this they are not permitted by the Superior Power to make a false reply, nor are they willing to give the true one, wherefore they continue silent, and are thus detected.

ESSAY X

BEAU TIBBS, A CHARACTER

[Altered from Letter LIV in The Citizen of the World] THOUGH naturally pensive, yet I am fond of gay company, and take every opportunity of thus dismissing the mind from duty. From this motive I am often found in the centre of a crowd; and wherever pleasure is to be sold, am always a purchaser. In those places, without being remarked by any, I join in whatever goes forward, work my passions into a similitude of frivolous earnestness, shout as they shout, and condemn as they happen to disapprove. A mind thus sunk for a while below its natural standard, is qualified for stronger flights; as those first retire who would spring forward with greater vigour.

Attracted by the serenity of the evening, a friend and I lately went to gaze upon the company in one of the

public walks near the city. Here we sauntered together for some time, either praising the beauty of such as were handsome, or the dresses of such as had nothing else to recommend them. We had gone thus deliberately forward for some time, when my friend stopping on a sudden, caught me by the elbow, and led me out of the public walk; I could perceive, by the quickness of his pace, and by his frequently looking behind, that he was attempting to avoid somebody who followed; we now turned to the right, then to the left; as we went forward, he still went faster, but in vain; the person whom he attempted to escape, hunted us through every doubling, and gained upon us each moment; so that, at last, we fairly stood still, resolving to face what we could not avoid.

Our pursuer soon came up, and joined us with all the familiarity of an old acquaintance. My dear Charles,' where have you Positively I had

cries he, shaking my friend's hand, 'been hiding this half a century? 'fancied you were gone down to cultivate matrimony and your estate in the country.' During the reply, I had an opportunity of surveying the appearance of our new companion. His hat was pinched up with peculiar smartness; his looks were pale, thin, and sharp; round his neck he wore a broad black ribbon, and in his bosom a buckle studded with glass; his coat was trimmed with tarnished twist; he wore by his side a sword with a black hilt; and his stockings of silk, though newly washed, were grown yellow by long service. I was so much engaged with the peculiarity of his dress, that I attended only to the latter part of my friend's reply, in which he complimented Mr. Tibbs on the taste of his clothes, and the bloom in his countenance. Psha, psha, Charles,' cried the figure, no more of that if you love 'me; you know I hate flattery, on my soul I do; and

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yet to be sure an intimacy with the great will improve one's appearance, and a course of venison will fatten ; ' and yet, faith, I despise the great as much as you do ; 'but there are a great many damned honest fellows ' among them; and we must not quarrel with one half 'because the other wants breeding. If they were all 'such as my Lord Mudler, one of the most good-natured creatures that ever squeezed a lemon, I should myself be among the number of their admirers. I was yester'day to dine at the Duchess of Piccadilly's. My lord was 'there. "Ned," says he to me, "Ned," says he, "I'll 'hold gold to silver I can tell where you were poaching 'last night." "Poaching, my lord," says I; “faith, 'you have missed already; for I stayed at home and let the girls poach for me." That's my way; I take a fine woman as some animals do their prey; stand still, and swoop, they fall into my 6 mouth.'

'Ah, Tibbs, thou art a happy fellow,' cried my companion with looks of infinite pity, 'I hope your fortune is as much improved as your understanding in such company?' 'Improved!' replied the other; 'you shall know, but let it go no farther, a great secret-five hundred a year to begin with-My lord's 'word of honour for it-His lordship took me down in his own chariot yesterday, and we had a tête-à-tête 'dinner in the country, where we talked of nothing ' else.' 'I fancy you forgot, sir,' cried I, 'you told us but this moment of your dining yesterday in town! 'Did I say so?' replied he coolly. To be sure, if I said egad, now I do re

'so it was so.-Dined in town: 'member I did dine in town; but I dined in the country 'too for you must know, my boys, I eat two dinners. 'By the by, I am grown as nice as the devil in my ' eating. I'll tell you a pleasant affair about that: we

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were a select party of us to dine at Lady Grogram's : an affected piece, but let it go no farther; a secret: 'Well, says I, I'll hold a thousand guineas, and say done first, that-But, dear Charles, you are an honest creature, lend me half-a-crown for a minute or two, or so, just till-But hark'e, ask me for it the next time we meet, or it may be twenty to one but I forget ' to pay you.'

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When he left us, our conversation naturally turned upon so extraordinary a character. His very dress,' cries my friend, 'is not less extraordinary than his 'conduct. If you meet him this day, you find him in rags; if the next, in embroidery. With those persons 'of distinction, of whom he talks so familiarly, he has scarce a coffee-house acquaintance. However, both for the interest of society, and perhaps for his own, Heaven has made him poor; and, while all the world 'perceives his wants, he fancies them concealed from 'every eye. An agreeable companion, because he under'stands flattery; and all must be pleased with the 'first part of his conversation, though all are sure of 'its ending with a demand on their purse. While his 'youth countenances the levity of his conduct, he may thus earn a precarious subsistence; but, when age comes on, the gravity of which is incomparable with 'buffoonery, then will he find himself forsaken by all. 'Condemned in the decline of life to hang upon some 'rich family whom he once despised, there to undergo 'all the ingenuity of studied contempt; to be employed only as a spy upon the servants, or a bugbear to fright children into duty.'

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