ACT IV.

SCENE I. A PICTURE ROOM IN CHARLES SURFACE'S

HOUSE.

Enter CHARLES SURFACE, SIR OLIVER SURFACE, MOSES, and CARELESS.

Chas. Surf. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in; - here they are, the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest. Sir Oliv. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.

Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-painting; no volontière grace or expression. 5 Not like the works of your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to make your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate likeness - all stiff and awkward as the 10 originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.

Sir Oliv. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.

Chas. Surf. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic character I am; here I sit of an 15 evening surrounded by my family. But come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair of my grandfather's will answer the purpose.

Care. Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a hammer; and what's an auctioneer without his hammer? 20

Chas. Surf. Egad, that's true. What parchment have we here? Oh, our genealogy in full. (Taking pedigree down.) Here, Careless, you shall have no common bit of mahogany, here's the family tree for you, you rogue! 5 This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedigree.

Sir Oliv. What an unnatural rogue!

parricide!

an ex post facto

[Aside. Care. Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed; to-faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the business, for 'twill not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, begin - A-going, a-going, a-going!

Chas. Surf. Bravo, Charles! Well, here's my great15 uncle, Sir Richard Raveline, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at him there's a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your 20 modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be. What do you bid? Sir Oliv. (Aside to MOSES.) Bid him speak. Mos. Mr. Premium would have you speak.

Chas. Surf. Why, then, he shall have him for ten 25 pounds, and I'm sure that's not dear for a staff-officer. Sir Oliv. (Aside.) Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten pounds! (Aloud.) Very well, sir, I take him at that.

Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard 30 Here, now, is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best manner, and esteemed a

very formidable likeness.
herdess feeding her flock.
pounds ten
Sir Oliv.

There she is, you see, a shepYou shall have her for five the sheep are worth the money. (Aside.) Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on herself! (Aloud.) Five pounds ten 5

she's mine.

Chas. Surf. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here, now, are two that were a sort of cousins of theirs. · You see, Moses, these pictures were done some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.

Sir Oliv. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a little lower in those days.

Chas. Surf. Well, take that couple for the same.
Mos. 'Tis a good bargain.

Chas. Surf. Careless!

ΙΟ

my mother's, a learned judge, well known on the western

circuit.
Mos. Four guineas.

What do you rate him at, Moses?

Chas. Surf. Four guineas! Gad's life, you don't bid me the price of his wig. - Mr. Premium, you have more 20 respect for the woolsack; do let us knock his lordship down at fifteen.

Sir Oliv. By all means.

Care. Gone!

Chas. Surf. And there are two brothers of his, William 25 and Walter Blunt, Esquires, both members of parliament, and noted speakers; and, what's very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever bought or sold.

Sir Oliv. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take them at your own price, for the honour of parlia- 30 ment.

ΙΟ

15

Care. Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down at forty.

Chas. Surf. Here's a jolly fellow - I don't know whar relation, but he was mayor of Norwich: take him at 5 eight pounds.

Sir Oliv. No, no, six will do for the mayor.

Chas. Surf. Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two aldermen there into the bargain.

Sir Oliv. They're mine.

Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But, plague on't! we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale: what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump.

Care. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.

Sir Oliv. Well, well, any thing to accommodate you; they are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always passed over.

Care. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the set20 tee?

Sir Oliv. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him so ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.

Chas. Surf. What, that? Oh; that's my uncle Oliver! 'twas done before he went to India.

25 Care. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends, Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a disinheriting countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on't. Don't you think so, little Premium?

30 Sir Oliv. Upon my soul, sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive.